Coworker : I just like to go with the flow.
Me : Flow away, I’m busy.
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it was the best of times (adding to cart) it was the worst of times (seeing the total plus shipping)
Geez ONE crystal champagne glass gets broken and I’m not allowed to use them in the cat obstacle course anymore
“Next time can you make something I like?”
*my kid leaving a review about his school lunch
Me: I feel like eventually I will drive everyone away.
Uber Driver: Same, Girl.
I forgot the word “turkey”so I asked the butcher for 20 pounds of oversized angry bird gobble gobble meat.
[working in a nail salon]
Me: How short would you like me to bite them?
wife: Why are there dishes in the sink?
my son’s last words: Because you didn’t do them
We’re just never going to talk about the fact Mufasa and Scar are brothers but have entirely different accents?
O: put your seatbelt on, honey
o: i will, mom
O: you ready?
ø: yes
There comes a point in every parent’s life when they notice the soap and shampoo they bought for their kids isn’t getting used up nearly as quickly as it should be.
“I love Worcestershire sauce.”
“What’s so special about it?”
“It’s hard to say.”
People often name their kids after their favourite movie characters. I don’t know why my daughter Chewbacca is so upset with me.
ROBOT TEENAGER: I’m grounded?? That’s so unfair! *You’ve* been smoking for years!
ROBOT DAD: How dare y– That is a medical condition!!
No one has stolen my lunch at work since I started labeling it “Stool Sample.”
*holds door for someone*
Them: This weather…
Me: No.
*starts pulling door closed on them*
T: *pulls on door*
Me: *holding door closed*
No.
me in the kitchen: how do i crack an egg
me watching great british bake off: what kind of an idiot forgets to poke steam holes in their banquet pie
Can’t go to sleep. I’m not sure if I should blame the cup of coffee I had at noon or vintage clown doll sitting at the foot of my bed.
I was really upset today but then a friend said “don’t be upset” so now I’m not upset anymore
In a parallel universe, one sock goes in the washer/dryer and two come out.
son is fuming bc his sister is staying home from school AGAIN. he just opened her door and said “and here’s the liar in her natural habitat”
Just finished cleaning and can’t find the kids.
Not having money is a great way to not lose any money.
*lights a scented candle in my house
*gets texted 500 miles away from my mother
Please watch those candles
Misread the movie guide and thought the movie about to start was Allen vs Predator, and I was like, “you got this, Allen.”
would love to see a prequel to Titanic where we see Jack completely unable to climb onto a floating pool toy and we all go “ahh makes sense”
What do you call a Mexican who lost his car?
Carlos.
My kid woke me up a 5:30 am because he was too hot. Never thought of myself as an extraordinary problem solver, but I told him to take his blanket off.
Me: I have a new water bottle! I’m gonna get my 64 Oz a day now, bay-bee!
Also me: ᴀʟʟ ᴏꜰ ᴍʏ ʟɪꜰᴇ ɪꜱ ᴘᴇᴇ
her: did you wrestle in high school?
me: do my emotions count?
Please, by all means, call my landline. I’ll reply with a postcard attached to a helium balloon