Coworker : I just like to go with the flow.
Me : Flow away, I’m busy.
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Sympathy for my 5 year old who has just announced he is allergic to all vegetables except chicken nuggets
Me: *holds up my phone showing my tweet has a total of 6 favorites*
Bouncer: you still can’t go in
me: I need to borrow a math textbook
librarian: edition?
me: and subtraction if you have it
The heaviest things in the world:
4) iron
3) lead
2) tungsten
1) a toddler who doesn’t want to be picked up
I bet dogs at parties get tired of being singled out by socially awkward humans.
it was very chilly during our walk today. when i tried to hop in a puddle. i slid across it instead. i am not a penguin. i would like a refund
Never go to a combination dentist / proctologist…..
but if you do, get the dental work first.
wife: Why is 9 crying?
me: Because it’s raining and he’s getting wet
wife: But we’re at a water park
me *takes a drink from my flask* Yep
Starting to think that adult supervision is a myth. In fact, my eyes seem to be getting worse.
the first person to see a peacock spread his tail probably had a heart attack
Sneaking into your house and eating just enough of the marshmallows out of your Lucky Charms to make you sad, but not suspicious.
Wait, Australia is 14 hours ahead of America? Thanks for the 9/11 warning!
Single worst piece of software ever invented
On my way to Mordor
you nerds need anything?
Me: “This new flavour of Pringles is horrible.”
Wife: “You’re eating a tube of tennis balls.”
I know Pluto isn’t a planet you moron. Pluto’s a dog.
picnics are a great way to think you’re hanging out with friends but actually you’re sitting on something wet
“comparison is the thief of joy” well sure if you’re a loser
nfts were less about the money and more about the friends you scammed along the way.
You never realize how many people you hate until you try to name a child.
I hate to brag but I’ve had numerous women fake their own death to get out of a relationship with me.
Carrots are a great thing to eat
when you’re hungry and
want to stay that way.#CarrotDay
Why did Norway put barcodes on their military boats?
So they could…..Scan da Navy in!
A North Carolina school has removed its bathroom mirrors to stop kids from making TikToks. Ooh, you were so close, they actually do them with their phones.
Cartoons led me to believe cities were filled with more folks trying to catch dogs in nets on sticks.
Me, watching you order just one pizza and there’s four of us: I guess you’re an optimist
Whose bad idea was it to text him a 4th time just in case his phone was being weird?
Tequila, I’m looking at you.
Me: Goddamn this mac and cheese is crunchy
Wife: You’re supposed to cook it
The monsters under my bed used to threaten to eat me but now they just whisper something stupid I did 12 years ago.
Son: Dad, can you help me with my math homework?
Me: *googles ‘math’*