coworker: I might have to get a new doctor, it’s impossible to make appointments with them! they don’t answer their phones or return messages.
me: ask them who their CEO is
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People make you wonder just how bad prison would really be
“bill gates wants to microchip me” u are not interesting enough to be microchipped paul no one cares that u go to bass pro shop 8 times a week
the joker: lol i’m going to get rid of the one thing you care of most
batman [clenching fist]: pancakes
robin [slowly being dropped into pool of sharks]: what
A zombie jumped out at me, in a haunted house, but he didn’t scare me. He did, however, catch my elbow in his face.
If by putting clean sheets on my bed you mean I piled unfolded clean sheets on my bed and then used them as a cuddle buddy for a week, then yes, I put new sheets on my bed.
I had to explain to my 5yo that he’s not allowed to “kaboom” the baby
Nobody tell my Fitbit that today’s steps are coming from inside the casino.
A woman’s asshole is like a 9 volt battery. You know you shouldn’t, but sooner or later you’re gonna put your tongue on it.
Apple Computer is taking steps to
protect user privacy.Their new policy is iWon’t tell…iPromise
My mother doesn’t believe in expiration dates, she’s on day 3 of believing in food poisoning.
Remember when your mom would just drop you off at the mall and have no way to get in touch with you? I don’t even trust my kids to go upstairs alone.
Throw away mascara that is empty???? no no no why would I do that? instead I keep them all in my makeup bag and give myself a little game of “which one of these 10 identical tubes is full?” it’s very fun and ruins every single one of my mornings
“WHAT DO WE WANT?!”
“SELF-CONFIDENCE!”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?!”
*everyone breaks eye contact and starts mumbling*
[There could only be a finite number of possible outcomes to a situation that you are likely to face tommorrow]
Your Anxiety: ummm lets see!
A couple drops of super glue on your fingers and you wont pay attention to any other thing on the planet for three hours.
T-Rex teen: Omg, that meteor is so bright, I’m literally dying!
T-Rex mom: don’t be so dramatic…
“Pecan” sounds like Yoda telling someone he is able to go to the bathroom.
I’m not an alcoholic, alcoholics go to meetings. I’m a drunk, we go to parties.
Headed to the gym. Gonna work on my diptroids. My gluteralids. My quadrapeps. Maybe my trapaceptals. Definitely my vocabulary.
Text a coworker at a random time “are you joining this meeting?” as a fun holiday prank
Ladies time to start dating the older dudes
They can get you in the grocery store earlier
Him: Hey girl, what’s your sign?
Me: My favourite is probably “McDonalds, Next Exit” what’s yours?
“Oh really? Sorry, my emails have been acting funny lately”
They haven’t.
I was having a great Friday until I found out it was Thursday.
Eucalyptus are the only plants named after what they would say if pruned
Airports: Because who doesn’t want to spend $60 on two egg sandwiches and Lay’s Potato Chips.
Hey,dogs barking, we get it: At the core of existence dwells an unspeakable malaise.
This snow makes me want to wear a nice sweater by the fireplace and frame my neighbor Gary for murder
My 8yo just asked if he could peel off my skin to see my bones when I die and then said “just kidding” in a very unconvincing tone.