Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Brought a ninja to a gunfight and it was really cool. Everyone clapped. Then they shot him.

[me in a zombie apocalypse] okay I think this is a zombie but I don’t want to be rude and presume anything, maybe this lady is just having a rough day, aren’t we all, haha, I’ll just try to go about my business, okay no she’s definitely biting me

There’s a guy in my hometown that sells reptiles and we nicknamed him Jake from Snake Farm. Ironically, he doesn’t have insurance.

My mom doesn’t understand that powdered donuts are eaten over cd cases while in cars, and my friends love donuts, and that’s why. (Not blow)

There is a drunk woman on the tube throwing After Eights at everyone and, in the most British way possible, everyone is pretending they aren’t being hit on the head by tiny chocolatey squares (which hurts by the way) and not looking at anyone else in the eye.

*Sandra Bullock floating around in the background of all the new Star Wars movies*

MY BULLY (age 9): Here he comes, the guy with the worst comebacks on the planet.

ME: Shut it Trevor. Your dad should be the next Batman.

Toy Story (1995): A young boy’s toy chest becomes possessed by haunted dolls, forcing the family to move away. But the dolls find him.

HER: What does cyanide taste like?
ME: No clue. Why?
HER: No reason. Here, I made you some tea.

my bf is sick and i offered him a cup of throat coat tea and he (extremely blearily) went “throat goat???”

Who the hell does that in a sock?!?

*squishes out of the room*

Snowboarding in Japan hits differently.

One time I threw my cat at a spider so I could escape, but sure I’d love to hold your baby

Date: I’m really into indie movies.
Me: I loved Raiders of the Lost Ark!

See?! THIS is why we don’t invite Elsa to the lake house in the summer….

(Sigh) I thought “The Scarlet Letter” was a book about red stationery….

My kid is going on an overnight class trip and I told Jenny’s mom I was so excited and she was like “but then we can’t wait for them to get back” and then my face did a funny thing and my fingers accidentally deleted Jenny’s Mom from my phone

Me: “You kids aren’t getting any more toys until you take care of the ones you have!”

Grandma: “Here are 8,000 new toys just for existing.”

Yes, I have a fitness app. I use it to time how long it takes the pizza delivery guy to get here.

👻

My longest relationship has been with my Hotmail account.

$20k in my bank account (the k is silent)

My gynecologist sent me a refund check for $18.70. I don’t know what it’s for but I feel like I need to be offended.

Breaking: CNN confirms planes need fuel to fly. In other news, scientist confirm brains are not needed to work at CNN.

Am I…am I about to fight these bagels?

[frog-condom sales meeting]

frog 1: our numbers are down, how can we make the condom more enjoyable for our customers?

frog 2: rib it

frog 1: Andrew, you’re a goddamn genius

for the 7th year in a row, Rick Astley refuses to give his wife her favorite Pixar movie for Christmas

Is that a pineapple in your pocket, or are you just….Why do you have a pineapple in your pocket?

Me: I need help burying a body
Wife: FFS….ok…….but you’re doing the dishes tonight
Me:……k

That’s how a good marriage works people.

My toddler stole bacon off my plate.

We all had a good laugh.

Then I made her move out.