Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When the atm charges you 3.50 to take out your own money but tells you to cover your pin so you don’t get robbed

🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀 oh sory about that we were just passing by

“I stalk people you’ve probably never heard of” -hipster stalker

“have you seen the gas prices?” no man i drive with my eyes closed because it’s scary

I’m so glad we could finally reconnect after all these years because I’d really like your help on my virtual farm.

I just want to be rich enough to stop having to pretend that I’m getting work done

My dog always pees against trees when we walk through the neighborhood

I do it one time and now I need bail

choose your gary

WIFE: this cheese goes hard
ME: hell yeah it does
WIFE: no i mean you have to put it back in the packet

In what he hoped would be his final attempt, Cupid opted this time to hit me with a grappling hook.

If people who made meth called themselves methematicians it would probably be a more respected occupation.

Knowing that Tolkien’s original name for Frodo was Bingo, this is all I can think of whenever I watch this scene.

When I was little, I didn’t care what I wore. I just went along with what my parents chose.

When I look in old photo albums, l realize that they didn’t care either.

This is always good for a laugh.

Annoying to think of how many lives on the Titanic could have been saved if only they had seen the movie.

My boss gave me his credit card for lunch and said “grab yourself something too” yet seems surprised that I went shoe shopping…

Weird.

The term ‘monkeying around’ makes sense to me, monkeys are silly animals. ‘Horsing around’ pisses me off though, it’s very, very disrespectful… Pretty much every horse I’ve met has a job

supermarket employee [scanning 34 different types of cheese]: you sure do like cheese

me [nervously looking at rat in my pocket aiming a gun]: yes, i do

Imagine if last names were invented now, so instead of “Smith” and “Baker,” we had “Frontenddeveloper” and “Socialmediaconsultant.”

Parenthood is where you spend 18 years saying no all because of that one critical time you said yes.

Jane: I miss England

Tarzan: Me not know you do beauty pageant

“Why don’t you have kids yet?” is a great question, ma’am, but I’m saving that conversation for the right total stranger at this gym.

I told my therapist that I’m a whore. He disagreed and said I’m a people pleaser, so I blew him just to make sure we’re on the same page.

the kids’ music school announced a summer live family dance jam every wed at 11am, yeah ok, schedule this at a respectable drinking hour if you expect me to do this, but also, no

If anyone asks, we met at a bible study.

“Here taste this ” followed by a 32 minute speech on all the ingredients.

“Diarrhea” isn’t my official safe word but I guarantee you’ll stop whatever you’re doing if I scream it during sex.

Relationship status: you’d think something called a Roomba would be a better dancer

Ratatouille me.
Sit on my head and pull my hair.