Why is rage the only thing you hear about people seething with? Where are the people seething with happiness?
You Might Also Like
If eHarmony were honest, it would pair some people with a room full of cats.
If my skinny friend keeps complaining that she’s fat, I may have to throw one of my breakfast donuts at her.
car mechanic: I’m tired
drummer: I’m beat
pipe layer: I’m drained
gardener: I’m bushed
chef: I’m fried
tailor: I’m worn
plumber: I’m pooped
Which essential oil is best for getting people to stop talking to you
flight attendant: sir, are you raising your hand
me: how do i access the wifi
fa: im doing safety announcements
me: is that lowercase
Me: You are trespassing in my kingdom. If you don’t retreat, I shall have you removed!
Husband: I was just rolling over to spoon you!
drive thru: can I take your order?
me: no I want it
It is a truth universally acknowledged ON MARS that a single woman in possession of a good fortune must be in want of a wife.
Grant me the serenity to supernaturally change the things I cannot accept.
I once broke up with a girl because she asked me to call her phone to help her find it and my number came up as “dude #3”.
Growing out my freckles.
The beauty of a text message is that it transcends time. You respond at your leisure. Unless it’s from your wife, then you have 30 seconds.
The date was going splendidly until my mom called and we argued over my curfew in front of her.
I moved to this city ten years ago with just the clothes on my back. I soon learned that I’d also need some clothes for my front. City people aren’t as open minded as you’d think.
a vitamin for eyes called “v👁tamins” somebody write that down
Though he came from a long line of spoons, Sammy Spork always noticed a slight resemblance to Mom’s friend Frank, the fork living next door.
Kids today have it easy!
In the old days, before smartphones & Instagram, by the time we finished the painting, our food was already cold.
I met a girl that told me, “Make me laugh and I’m yours”.
So I pulled down my pants.
Apparently, she didn’t want to laugh that hard. 🙁
Me: Your honor, he’s not asking the witness any questions. He’s just reading Harry Potter to the jury.
Judge: Yeah, I’m gonna allow it.
Cop: License and registration, please.
Me: Sure, can you hold my beer?
My wife agreed to a water birth, so I’m setting up a slip’n slide in the front yard right now. I’m gonna wait at the end & catch him.
See..?
.
[creation]
GOD: Gather round creatures & I’ll tell you what you’ll eat
ANTEATER: I’m SO excited!
DUNG BEETLE: I got a bad feeling about this
My wife is still mad about the time I seductively went under the covers…slid off the end of the bed…and then army crawled out of the bedroom.
True crime was invented to remind people that life could be worse
As an economist, I know the best system is where precisely 12 people have all the money and let it sit idle in offshore accounts
Plant care tips
I’m at a hockey game and the players weren’t really trying but then a guy 5 rows up yelled “come on” and then they tried harder.