Coworker: I ran 5 miles at the gym this morning
Me: Why
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ain’t no way there’s billions of us and nobody got superpowers
My younger daughter has been in her bedroom looking at screens the last three years and I have forgotten her first name.
Almost 15 years ago my son was born and you find yourself picturing things they might do in there lives. In that moment, I knew that one day I’d be at high school football game on Friday night watching him.
15 years later and I’m here. Watching him play the tuba at halftime.
[buying house plants] hey wanna come back to my place and die
The night before I started work at a global bird conservation charity, I had to google whether birds had teeth.
The less friends at your birthday party means more cake for you.
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The 6 or so days between Christmas and New Year’s is truly No Man’s Land. Like am I supposed to sleep all day? Get my life together? Spend the entire day watching TikToks? Hang out with my parents? Are we in 2019 or 2020? What do I eat besides Christmas cookies?
Sometimes I like to play the power card and remind my husband that I was once woken up to a phone hitting me in the head. He tied it to the ceiling fan to reach a certain number of steps and it flew off.
BOND: The name’s Bond. James Bond.
ME: That’s a weird way to say your name, dude.
BOND: I’m a spy.
ME: You are bad at all parts of this.
Just a reminder that you’re not allowed to hit your coworkers. Even if they’re stupid.
I asked.
Twice.
Look, ice cream has eggs in it, therefore it is a breakfast food.
A good way to get people to stop showing you baby pictures is after each one say, “Can I keep this?”
We never got the wreath, but we put up the hanger. This shows intent.
the small neighbor human. is hanging outside with some ice cream. and it is melting. way faster than it is being eaten. the only real solution here. is for me to trot over and help
Me: HEY LADY YOU STOLE MY PARKING SPOT!
Her: so
Me: *noticing she opened a Gatorade on the first try* HAHA JUST KIDDING ITS TOTALLY YOURS.
“It’s a good friend who, when you want the truth, knows what truth you want.”
I #respectfully #trot when you let me cross the street in front of you. I salute the #power of the automobile.
Teens are leaving FB for Twitter & Instagram to escape parents. Silly rabbits, we were here first.
News Anchor: And now, to report live about this incredibly dangerous storm, we’ll send you out to one of our expendable reporters.
My lady husky is mad I won’t feed her early so she just maintained eye contact with me and started chewing the corner of the brand new dining table.
Take your girl camping and your relationship will become more in tents.
Not Sorry.
😂🐈⬛
doctor: i’m afraid i have some bad news
me: better than having fox news 😉
doctor: hahahaha 🙂
me: i’ll be here all week haha 🙂
doctor: haha give or take
Han: Leave us alone, you fat slug!
Jabba: *speaks Huttese*
C-3PO: The mighty Jabbs says your words are hurtful. He has a thyroid problem.
My 4yo: *tiptoeing down the hallway 3 minutes after I tucked him in like he does every night.*
Me: *shouting from couch,* Go to bed!
4yo: *peeking head around the corner, surprised,* How did you know it was me?
Think about it – every single corpse on Mt. Everest was once a highly motivated person.
Stay lazy my friends.
my brain: i hate that person
that person: hey that thing you wrote was great
my brain: they do have a lot of redeeming qualities
nobody will remember:
– your salary
– how “busy you were”
– how many hours you workedpeople will remember:
– that time I ate 30 pickles
– the rash I got looked like Alaska
– I am allergic to pickles
*gently places finger on caroler’s lips*
you had me at “O come”
*staring directly into the sun* is this meditation am I meditating