COWORKER: I’m my own biggest critic.
ME: Haha, trust me. You aren’t.
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*peeing in the urinal at McDonalds*
*turns to the guy peeing in the other urinal*
“So, what did you order?”
Don’t watch nature documentaries with me unless you want more information than the narration provides.
co-worker: ok who put seafood in the microwave
me: oh sorry does my lobster smell
co-worker: no he’s pinching people
You’re not bald my friend. You are just taller than your hair.
Humans: [being replaced by shapeshifting lizards] ok everyone be on the lookout for people hanging out under heat lamps or eating lots of crickets.
Jack: how’s it going
Beans: pretty good– Jack and the beans talk
Men want to be him. Women want to be with him. Bears want to eat him. Botflies want to lay their eggs in his skin. Fish are unaware of him.
rich people are like we have to disguise the refrigerator
wishing you and yours all the best
What if death gives you lemons?
What then??
I don’t want to marry Bill Gates because he’s rich.
I want to marry Bill Gates so I never have to fix my own computer.
My grandpa once shot a hornet’s nest with a shotgun and had to spend 4 hours hiding under a log until the swarm dissipated. What I’m saying is, I come from a long line of poor decision makers so you can only expect so much
Getting married at 22 sounds a lot like leaving a party at 9:30pm.
Never deleting this app.
Boyfriend’s on the phone talking to a guy about lattes and his love of peach scones.
I’m on the couch wondering when our periods synced.
78 just saw the ring light in my bedroom.
I told him that it’s for the plants.
Oh, he said, and went on his way.
There are no plants in my room.
I hate to brag but strangers were spraying me with Lysol before this all started.
“Take me with you,” I whisper, palms pressed to the windowpane, watching the trash truck drive away.
When I die I want my skeleton turned into a xylophone. Just like the good ol’ days.
I used to play the triangle in a reggae band but left because it was just one ting after another.
Kindergarten, day two.
Me: Who did you play with at recess?
Daughter: One of my best friends. I don’t remember her name.
airport customs officer: *slowly unzipping my bag* anything to declare?
me: how many spiders am I allowed?
airport customs officer: *slowly doing my bag up again*
This gratitude journal looks a lot like a grocery list.
Just me?
[Spelling Bee]
Judge: Your word is ‘babe’
Bee: B-A-E
J: Sorry. There’s another ‘B’
Bee: WHAT! WHERE?
*goes crazy*
*stings Judge*
*dies*
cause baby now we’ve got
baaathtubs
you know we soaking in
maaad suds
so take a loofah for
baaack scrubs
cause baby now we baaathtubs [hey!]
Slut: desirable woman who has sex with someone other than yourself.
“I’m having a public meltdown!!” – A Snowman, maybe.
[ninja warrior]
HOST: First up we have… Oh-
ME: [dislocates shoulder waving to camera]
Listen here babe I’m not a mind-reader and I’m also not great at picking up body language so- ok yes that hand gesture I understand