[coworker interrupting my story about how my weekend was] first of all McDonald’s doesn’t even have soup
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Reminds me of the old Steven Wright joke about a baby with a diary. “Day 1: Still tired from the move. Day 2: Everybody talks to me like I’m an idiot”
jason: may I tell u something?
me: anything baby.
jason: for the last year whenever u get drunk u start to make Pig Noises, u do it with a challenging look in ur eye, if I ask u about the Pig Noises u get offended and run away to the next room where u continue to oink softly
As a girl who grew up with an annoying little sister the most unrealistic thing about Frozen is how Elsa never tried to kill Anna on purpose
Cameraman here. If I’m in the newsroom during a live news broadcast I ring my mates and they get their kids to watch, as I tell them to look at the newsreader’s shoulder, at which point I stand up and magically appear in the background. The kids love it.
henry VIII found four more women to marry him after he cut his wife’s head off and i can’t get a txt back
My dogs: OMG MOM IS DOING STUFF!! WOOOO!! GET HER!!
Me: (just getting off the couch to go to the bathroom)
6-year-old: Why do cars have cup holders?
Me: For cups.
6: But you can’t drink and drive.
Him: Your test came back, and it’s negative.
Me: Whew! Thank goodness.
Him: No, your math test. You’re failing this class.
[pronounces lasagna like bologna]
Wait – my gym moved?
In 1997?
me: *cracks knuckles*
bully: let’s do this
me: i would but i’ve just broken my hand
DM: hi I’m Emily and I live in your area 💋
Me: big whoop Emily I live here too
My job sucks but it pays the bills.
Too bad I can’t say the same things about my boyfriend.
Cop: Pullover!
Me: It’s a cardigan.
My mom had a “sex talk” with me when I was 14 or 15. It was before my piano lesson and she said, “NEVER TRUST BOYS. THEY ONLY WANT ONE THING” then walked away without ever saying what it was.
So every time a classmate asked to look at my notes, I slapped the shit out of him.
Girl, if you’re into rocks, I promise you’ll be
My high school girlfriend got “uses her kids as her facebook profile picture” fat.
What do you call a factory that makes okay products?
A satisfactory.
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to have pizza.
Cashier: “Have a great day!”
Me: “No thank you.”
ME: This is my newborn, straight from the hospital.
OTHER PARENT: You’re parenting wrong.
I’ve carefully avoided a running injury all these years by never running.
“I’m just gonna pull on weird animal parts until something comes out that I can drink”
-guy who discovered milk
[Infomercial]
HOST: Wanna learn how to lose up to 15 pounds with one simple trick?!?
AUDIENCE: Yes!
HOST: Here’s how! *rips off his own arm*
I don’t think the person who said “if there were an infinite number of monkeys at an infinite number of typewriters one would create the complete works of Shakespeare” had even a basic understanding of monkey behavior.
Meanwhile, at the White House… #matwh
Bouncer: Your friends can go in but not you, you go home
Me: Perfect, say it just like that when I turn up later
Nature show: pythons can grow over 20 feet
Me: they’re gonna need so many shoes
Air used to be free at the gas station, now it’s $1.50. Know why?
Inflation
To all my new moms, I highly recommend you start working on that upper body strength. Because you’re going to need to to haul a kicking toddler around football style.