Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m doing the 30 day taco cleanse

When did kale arrive? 2007? Must’ve come via spaceship. I had never heard of it in my life. And then suddenly, it was everywhere. It had hearty advocates; & it had many, many detractors. How does a thing, kale, go from not existing to being ubiquitous? Spaceships. Only answer.

me: [holding my cat like a baby] the apocalypse is here
cat: [scratches me]
me: no. we must remain calm

*struts into the new year
~ trips

girl: i love philosophy

me: who is ur favorite philosopher

girl: Hume

me: sorry, whom is ur favorite philosopher

When this pandemic is over, I’m going to French kiss every escalator handrail at the mall

Him: I don’t think we should drink while we do yard work anymore

Me: *powerwashing the lawn* why not

It appears that children’s bladders get smaller as is gets darker outside.

This scientific hypothesis has been proven by my 7 year old coming out of the bedroom to pee five times in the last hour.

Balloons take up a certain amount of space in the package, but if you want to know how big they’ll be when in use you have to adjust for inflation.

“Is it weird that my boxers are longer than my shorts?”

15: Dad, I want to live at mom’s now

Me: You can’t stay home by yourself.

8-year-old: You can trust me, Dad. I’m responsible.

Me: You’re holding nunchucks.

8: I’m holding nunchucks responsibly.

My favorite episode of House Hunters is the one where the couple wants an open floor plan, lots of natural light, and room to entertain.

Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?

Me: ha nice try

I: excuse me?

M: that’s how Lex Luthor beat Superman. I’m not stupid.

In case anyone was wondering if I’m this bad in real life too

I hate the word Fiancée. Why do i have to speak french just because youre getting married

Jennifer Aniston: I indulge by eating one chip.

Me: I indulge by eating aisle five at the grocery store.

Beyoncé: Who run the world?
Me: Oligarchs?
Beyoncé: This really changes my song

When I am really mad, I pronounce your name as frenchly as possible.

Hi, fire department? My cat is in a tree. Television has taught me that this is your problem.

I just ‘borrowed’ $20 from my teenage daughter.

She’s such an idiot.

It’s okay, baby. I cry when people try to change me too.

when you can’t remember if your friend’s birthday is yesterday or today

You realize a robot is telling you to pick out tree pictures to make sure you’re not a robot.

*locks hands with stranger in elevator*
im nervous, this is my first time flying

It takes me about 15 hours to fully wake up in the morning

[Headless Horseman birthday party]

HEADLESS HORSEMAN: [opens present] Another hat? Haha guys okay I get it you can cut it out now.

If you think swimming with dolphins is expensive, you should try swimming with sharks.

It cost me an arm and a leg!

*does that thing*

Friend: let’s do that thing again next month!!!

Me: yes, great idea! That thing is brilliant!!!

*three weeks later*

Friend: we still good for that thing next week?!!

Me: yes I’m really looking forward to that thing!!!

*day of that thing*

Me: oh no

Fair play to the crow who visits the roof outside my window first thing each morning, and whose cawing has the exact pitch and rhythm as the reversing alert on the recycling lorry, sending me into a blind panic that I’ve forgotten to put the bins out.

Have I done my taxes? No. Have I sent myself an email with the subject line “DO TAXES”? Yes, and that is half the battle.