[coworker interrupting my story about how my weekend was] first of all McDonald’s doesn’t even have soup
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Oh you love hot sauce? Cool I get heartburn from brushing my teeth
All I’m saying is if paper beats rock why are rocks used as paperweights?
I bet Thor would lose his shit if he knew how many hammers are at Home Depot.
I got fired from my office job for misunderstanding the meaning of 3 hole punch.
WIFE: Just try to be normal tonight.
[later at the dinner party]
ME: Do you think the ghosts of muppets are doomed to roam the earth until reunited with the hand that animated them in life?
The way I see it, the only thing my daughter’s little “boyfriend” needs to know about me is I ain’t afraid to go back to prison.
Y’all answering phones calls while on the toilet need Jesus
[Olive Garden]
PATRON: there are so many types of pasta
WAITER: [required to say this] yes…*clenches teeth* the pastabilities are endless
My son’s favourite magic trick is making a single glove disappear
best thing i have overheard in a long time just happened.
dude 1: “man, if you haven’tve texted me, i was gonna to bed at like 9.”
dude 2: “yea, i was actually hoping you wouldn’t respond so that i could go to bed.”
both: “well…. shit.”
My friend Luke didn’t realise until he was an adult that lukewarm was a real temperature, he thought it was just a term his mum used to describe his bath water.
My son is watching Up, and asked if they tried to get a baby by having sex.
If I have to picture Carl and Ellie doing the nasty, so do you.
Murderer 1: well this is awkward
Murderer 2: omg Dave haha what are the chances!
Murderer 1: how’s Carol?
Murderer 2: you know, same old same ol-
Me: EXCUSE ME
look at this pretty bar i went to last night! also look at the first photo i took, featuring my panic as i realized the flash was on
Me: Is…is this a toenail?
Kid: Yes
Me: Why did you hand me a toenail?
Kid: Because I want to take it home
Me: Is it YOUR toenail?
Kid: Yes
Me: Throw it out, please
Kid: No, it’s a part of me
Me: Do you save all your toenails?
Kid: No…should I?!
Me: DEAR GOD, NO!
I heard a photographer was killed in a freak accident when a large wheel of cheddar landed on her.
To be fair, the people who were being photographed did try to warn her.
For a happy marriage, never closely watch them eat.
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
My my husband’s favorite thing is when I blame him for losing something that’s actually in my hand.
Them: dating isn’t hard you just gotta put yourself out there
Me: ok got it
Batman: Introducing, the Robinmobile.
Robin: I’m so excited!
*curtain opens*
Robin: Bruce, that’s a car bed…
Batman: You’re welcome.
OH. COME. ON.
PIERRE GASLY WHAT IS THIS ????
My niece calls me her ankle. I call her my knees.
We are a joint family.
me: I got fired from the play, they hated my set design
wife: did you make a scene?
me: *crying* several
Art Teacher: your drawings are due tomorrow
me: [hours later] maybe add in some grapes
police sketch artist: ..a bowl of fruit attacked you?
Me: do you like bad boys?
Her: no
Me: are you sure?
Her: [covers her dog’s ears] okay yes
God: have u gathered 2 of every animal?
Noah: yes
God: including the dinosaurs?
CUT TO: NOAH RUNNING FOR HIS LIFE AFTER TRYING TO CATCH A DINOSAUR
Noah: ….ya
[Hall of Justice]
BATMAN: What a day…I just saved Gotham
SUPERMAN: For sure…I just saved the planet
AQUAMAN: I hear ya…I just got tangled up in some brine shrimp
“You know what pal, lay your own damn eggs” – jerk chicken