[coworker interrupting my story about how my weekend was] first of all McDonald’s doesn’t even have soup
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Someone is at work raving about how good her tofu meatloaf was that she served for dinner.
I’ma tell you now, you serve me tofu anything, and I will consider it an at of war.
Me: *rips pants bending over*
Toddler: Daddy! You’re so strong! You ripped your clothes like Hulk!
Me: Uh. Yep. That’s me. Same thing. Just like the Hulk. Indistinguishable.
Toddler: *proudly tells everyone I’m like the Hulk because I rip my pants all the time*
Me: *dies*
if y’all catch me barking while my dog is sleeping, mind your business i’m teaching her a lesson
*first date*
Guy: I like a girl who’s good with money
Me: the city will bury you for FREE if they can’t identify your body
saw a guy at the airport taking a parrot in a cage on board and it’s like bro, why you spending extra money, it can meet you there
I better fix the hinge on this cabinet door before Ryan Gosling comes over, takes his shirt off and builds my lady a house.
Me: *returns from bakery with a bap, bagel, bun & cob*
Wife: What are these?
Me: The synonym rolls you asked for.
Wife: CINNAMON.
It shakes her nerves and it rattles her brain,
Too much Swiss cheese drives my nan insane,
She flipped a stall,
At the village hall,
Goodness gracious, fête brawls of Gruyere!
My husband gets so mad when I introduce him as my first husband.
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Give Jesus a fish, and you and your family will eat nothing but that one fish for a lifetime.
Google needs a “you really don’t want to know” search answer.
an hour into The Sound of Music “yes. this is what music sounds like.”
Hey guys! Welcome back to my YouTube channel. Today we’re doing an unboxing vido
*walks into a zoo with a pair of bolt cutters*
Not to brag or anything, but I scored 4 points on flappy bird before my phone mysteriously flung itself across the room
MARY: Your welcome…
JON: It’s “you’re” welcome.
MARY: …is overstayed.
I’ve developed a rash from my wedding ring, which can only mean my body is rejecting marriage.
Harry Potter is realistic because it normally takes a kid 10 years to tell a story.
*stands next to ATM and cheers every time someone wins money*
Now responding to all “hello”
DMs with “Adele?”
You know that you’re officially lost when you turn down the car radio and take off your sunglasses.
SOMEBODY: she had a boyfriend who looked like that girlfriend that you had in february of last year
ME: what the hell are you talking about
Shazam but for whether someone is mad at you
I’d like to say the best moment of a woman’s life is giving birth, but it’s actually seeing an old nemesis & realizing she got really fat.
me: my friends:
Obi-wan: These aren’t the droids
Stormtrooper: They look like them
Obi: So all droids look the same to you?
Trooper: No, I-
Obi: Racist
[cashier slapping the Cool Ranch chips out of my hand]: Oh no you don’t, nerd
I get pissed if Alexa doesn’t understand my commands with a mouthful of mashed potatoes.
If you go back in time to 2009 and tell anyone Daniel Radcliffe & Jonathan Groff would become Tony winning besties they would probably be like “Wow 2024 is a magical place” & then you’d have to be like “Nah that’s like the one good thing.”
My Canadian 4yo just told me he wants to be Captain America if anyone wants to take a traitor off my hands.
Nothing is worse than having a cranberries song stuck in your head, in your head, in your heeeeeeeeeeaaaad zombie zombie zombie eee eee