Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Jesus: Let he who is without sin cast the first stone

Skeletor: *throws stone*

Jesus: HEY!

Skeletor: I’m sorry. Did you say “skin” or “sin?” I don’t have ears.

I’m pretty confident I can perform this Appendectomy on myself.

Thanks YouTube

Anyone got any tips on how to conduct an exorcism, but like subtly?

me: do you have coke

cat waiter: is pspspsps ok?

Her: Can you babysit?
Me: Uh, what do I do?
H: Play games & stuff.
M: Like drinking games?
H: He’s 2.
M:
H:
M: So like no hard liquor or…?

[creating pandas]
Angel: How about a cute looking bear thats shit at sex?
God: Make it black & white we’re running low on colours.

[pronouncing the ‘h’ in exhausted until my boss sends me home]

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The Chosen Phew

I don’t know anything about soccer, but I hope they win.

Go Soccers!

[planning heist]
Me: We’ll need the element of surprise.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: [appears] Actually, such an element does not exist. Hi, I’m Ne

MAYOR: I now present you a key to the city
ME: So long, suckers!
*hops in city and drives away*
MAYOR: Come back! I need that for work!

My three favorite things are eating my wife and not using punctuation

I can always tell what part of my cycle I’m in by how concerned my friends are over my tweets

setting a small grass fire next to my inflatable pool and then asking the firefighters to fill it up while they’re here

no one:

my brain:
key largo montego
olivia rodrigo

Teacher “Hi, why are you here?”
Me “Um, isn’t this the beginners’ philosophy class?”
Teacher “Yes and you’re off to a really bad start.”

A lot of people frown on demon possession, but then can’t name a quicker way to learn Latin.

me: hi, I have no power at my house

power company: ok, when did it happen

me: probably when we had kids, but it was a gradual shift

dad: you losing weight

me: are you asking me bc i look skinnier or because i changed my diet

dad: yes

Much like a fairy tale princess I will sit here and wither away until some man somewhere is brave enough to bring me soup.

Him: Didn’t you buy that apple pie yesterday?

Me: Yeah, so?

Him: There’s one small piece left.

Me: And if you touch it, I’ll stab you.

Based on 2020 thus far, I’m expecting the flying monkeys of Oz to show up any time now.

do u think regular glue guns get jealous of the hot ones

mother’s day idea: treat your mom as she has treated you! force her to take piano lessons

You are visited by the ghost of H.P. Lovecraft. He whispers to you about a terrifying, eldritch horror he saw outside. You have to explain that it’s just the car dealership’s inflatable dancing tube man.

The most embarrassing moment of my life was when I called my teacher “mom” during sex.

*Takes our kid away so my wife can have a break*

*Takes kid to pub*

*Bumps into wife at pub*

In my house, where there’s smoke there’s dinner.

[emergency room]

DOCTOR: Point to what’s causing you the most pain

ME: I can’t, they’re at home playing xbox