Cop: Have you been drinking?
Me: *sips beer
Cop: That was stupid.
Me: So was your question.
coworker is telling us that being a libertarian is based on facts and I’m rubbing dirt between my hands like the beginning of gladiator
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A very busty woman whispers to me “I want you to tell me if these look real” my eyes widen, then she takes out pictures of the moon landing
Here lies Aunt Brenda. Trampled to death on the day after Thanksgiving trying to save $18 on a crock pot. Rest in peace, sweet angel.
CASHIER: Would you like a plastic bag you worthless, turtle killing garbage person?
cats are so dumb how do u only learn how to say one word ur entire life
911,What’s your emergency?
Me: I think it’s a heart attack
911: Can you call back when you’re sure, we’re watching Walking Dead
In a parallel universe, your password forgets you.
“What race was the guy?” – a question you’ll never have to ask my uncle during a story.
Apparently it’s ‘inappropriate’ to show up at your therapist’s home to swim in her new pool even though your ‘boundary issues’ paid for it.
detective: “she drown?”
cop: “after a blow to the head”
d: “what’s he doing?”
me: [trying to draw chalk outline on river]