Unfortunately I’ve determined that sucking up is part of human nature because it works and yes my boss DID look very nice today…
coworker is telling us that being a libertarian is based on facts and I’m rubbing dirt between my hands like the beginning of gladiator
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*pops out of casket at funeral*
ok but when I actually die you guys better have nicer things to say
[lights 2016 calendar on fire]
There. Now you can’t hurt anyone any longer.
[wind blows calendar onto my coat; I’m engulfed in flames]
Whenever I go grocery shopping I make sure I’m stuck behind the people who have never seen food on shelves before.
“Luke, I am your Mother.” – Yoda
Moms 2007: I don’t know why you text LOL when you aren’t literally laughing
Moms 2017: Cry face emoji, clapping hands, three monkeys
Me, at a romantic movie: pffft like that would ever happen
Me, at any other genre movie: YES I ABSOLUTELY ACCEPT THIS OUTLANDISH SCENARIO
If you buy a house off Craig’s List, it comes with a free serial killer.
“Better to be pissed off than pissed on!”
Actually, I prefer a third scenario where I’m not angry or covered in piss.