@spookperson

coworker is telling us that being a libertarian is based on facts and I’m rubbing dirt between my hands like the beginning of gladiator

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@B_poling82

Cop: Have you been drinking?
Me: *sips beer
Cop: That was stupid.
Me: So was your question.

@mattytalks

A very busty woman whispers to me “I want you to tell me if these look real” my eyes widen, then she takes out pictures of the moon landing

@robfee

Here lies Aunt Brenda. Trampled to death on the day after Thanksgiving trying to save $18 on a crock pot. Rest in peace, sweet angel.

@Jake_Vig

CASHIER: Would you like a plastic bag you worthless, turtle killing garbage person?

@Matt_the_1st

911,What’s your emergency?

Me: I think it’s a heart attack

911: Can you call back when you’re sure, we’re watching Walking Dead

@kevinseccia

“What race was the guy?” – a question you’ll never have to ask my uncle during a story.

@aprilmaywilson

Apparently it’s ‘inappropriate’ to show up at your therapist’s home to swim in her new pool even though your ‘boundary issues’ paid for it.

@thepunningman

[murder scene]
detective: “she drown?”
cop: “after a blow to the head”
d: “what’s he doing?”
me: [trying to draw chalk outline on river]