@spookperson

coworker is telling us that being a libertarian is based on facts and I’m rubbing dirt between my hands like the beginning of gladiator

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@TheBoydP

Unfortunately I’ve determined that sucking up is part of human nature because it works and yes my boss DID look very nice today…

@crylenol

*pops out of casket at funeral*
ok but when I actually die you guys better have nicer things to say

@dorsalstream

[lights 2016 calendar on fire]

There. Now you can’t hurt anyone any longer.

[wind blows calendar onto my coat; I’m engulfed in flames]

@AngryRaccoon2

Whenever I go grocery shopping I make sure I’m stuck behind the people who have never seen food on shelves before.

@LlamaInaTux

Moms 2007: I don’t know why you text LOL when you aren’t literally laughing

Moms 2017: Cry face emoji, clapping hands, three monkeys

@ShesARealGenius

Me, at a romantic movie: pffft like that would ever happen

Me, at any other genre movie: YES I ABSOLUTELY ACCEPT THIS OUTLANDISH SCENARIO

@Lisa_Laughs_

If you buy a house off Craig’s List, it comes with a free serial killer.

@DamnitJosh

“Better to be pissed off than pissed on!”

Actually, I prefer a third scenario where I’m not angry or covered in piss.