coworker is telling us that being a libertarian is based on facts and I’m rubbing dirt between my hands like the beginning of gladiator
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The locals are gushing over my poor axe handling skills
OPPONENT: I’m gonna mop the floor with you!
ME: Thanks I could really use the help
“If you don’t let the Jews go, I will find you. I will kill you.”
Liam Neeson returns in…
TAKEN 3: SCHINDLER’S PISSED
(Summer 2015)
Man: a pack of condoms please.
Cashier: would you like a paper bag?
Man: no thanks, she’s pretty good looking.
Prince: Rapunzel, let down your hair.
Rapunzel: Hair, you’ll never be beautiful, you’ll always have split ends.
*hair is super let down*
At some point, a guy looked at an onion that was clearly purple & called it red. AND WE’RE JUST SITTING HERE LETTING IT HAPPEN.
R.I.P. Wile E. Coyote
Give a man a fish he eats for a day then explains fishing to you even though you’re the one who gave him the fish
Have you ever noticed that Santa brings better gifts to the kids that have rich parents?
This is no longer winter this is harassment
Boss: This is my wife Sue and my kids…
Me: Whoa! Look at the MELON on this little guy. Man…hope he was a c-section Hahaha!
Boss:
Me:
I like to put powdered sugar around my nose before Zoom meetings
…..pretty much.
Every time we take our dog to obedience school I can’t help but think about everything that we did wrong when we were training our kids.
Alec Baldwin always sounds like he’s trying to have an intense conversation in a public library.
My cat had been housebound for two weeks after beating up another cat in that cat’s house. I let her out yesterday just to see if she was ready to be a law abiding citizen. She went straight to go beat up that cat again 🙃 she’s back inside indefinitely
Two certain individuals today proclaimed me the worst mom ever because I took them to the dentist.
I FORCED THEM TO HAVE TEETH. Like, OMG.
If it looks like a duck & swims like a duck & talks like an angry duck policeman, then you about to fail a sobriety test son
Only a mother’s love …
i hate it when my ID card is accepted by people, you agree that i look like that horrible picture???
My husband just yelled, “WE DONT GOAT SCREAM IN THE HOUSE!” In case you’re wondering how quarantine is going.
[special ops briefing]
Leader: We’re going in deep & hard in the middle of the night
Me: I bet you say that to all the boys
L: Get out
*after five days of storms with record rainfall remembers to turn off sprinkler system*
*grass dies due to lack of water*
*leads wife into bedroom where rose petals on comforter spell out “NO, YOU TAKE OUT THE GARBAGE”
Telling jokes on Twitter makes you a Comedian… The same way skinny jeans make you skinny…
Therapist: were you bullied in school?
Me: no
Therapist: oh, did you have a different haircut in school?
This meeting could have been a cake
‘What just cracked?’
A guide to aging.
♫ 12 drummers drumming
♫ 11 pipers piping
♫ 10 lords a leaping
♫ 9 ladies dancing
♫ 8 maids a milking
♫ 7 swans a swimming
♫ 6 geese a laying
♫
Doctor: “You have lost a lot of blood.”
Me: “That’s not good.”
Doctor: “It’s not. You are the worst manager this blood bank has ever seen.”