Coworker: It’ll either work or it won’t.
Me: Yes. Those would be the two possible outcomes.
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Wanna make a boyfriend? Choose someone who’s still playing Wordle. He’ll never leave you.
The only way I’d want to watch a video of you pouring a bucket of ice water over your head is if you promise you drown at the end.
Me: my fitbit broke
Sales Guy: how
Me: i put it on my dog’s tail and asked him who’s a good boy
Sales Guy: if i give you a new one can i see
This guy keeps buying me drinks and talking to me as if I’ll go home with him just because we’re married
*Gandalf rollerblades into the club*
“YO DJ PLAY SOME DIRTY DUBSTE–
*slips on a drink & lands flat on face* “SCRAP THAT CALL AN AMBULANCE
No thanks, cosmetics lady. I’m years past ‘bare & natural’. Save us both some time & show me the stuff you’d need to prep & refinish a wall.
Two wolves? Cute. I’ve got 8 pieces of pizza in me
I took my dad to the gym with me today. The man clocks a mile on the treadmill before I could hit the Start button.
I’m not taking him with me again.
Told my kids to get rid of toys they don’t play with, so if you hear a commotion it’s just them desperately playing with every toy they own.
And is this “year-end bonus” in the room with us right now?
Going to the beach the day after watching Jaws hits different.
I’m young, but not “know exactly why I came into this room” young.
drummer: “just add er on the end of your instrument”
guy who plays trumpet: “so im a trumpeter, ok cool”
guy who plays trombone: “oh no”
All these “make better choices” make me wonder if my parents are now running twitter
that’s NOT YOUR CALL TO MAKE
POOR BOY FROM BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY: I need no sympathy.
ALSO THE POOR BOY: IM JUST A POOR BOY, NOBODY LOVES ME, MAMA, LIFE HAD JUST BEGUN, AND NOW IVE GONE AND THROWN IT ALL AWAY
No one:
Me trying to remember the person’s name I just met as they’re still talking:
I don’t like to wear workout clothes. When people see me jogging they probably think “Why is he wearing boots? Why is he jogging at night? It’s way too hot to be wearing a ski mask. Is that an exercise knife?”
[Inside Trojan Horse]
OTHER GREEKS: *fearful/anxious silence*
ME: This is my first sleepover
interviewer: why do you want this job?
me: i’m a job guy. love jobs
I bought a Christmas tree today. The guy asked me if I was going to put it up myself.I said, “No, I’ll probably put it in the living room.”
The movie “Up” could never have been filmed today…
*on a first date*
Her: so nice to finally be out with someone normal
Me: aw thanks
*turns to the waiter*
Me: do you have pony meat
*gets hungry*
*bakes kale chips for a snack because diet*
*eats six cookies while waiting for kale chips because hungry*
Go to drunk, you’re bed.
Gordon Ramsay: this is absolute garbage
Raccoon Line Cook: thank you chef
My main goal in life is to become a cooking show judge
Mostly because I like to criticize people while I eat
2yo’s favorite cartoon is teaching him about centrifugal force.
When I was little, my favorite cartoon taught me never to order from Acme.
If I die at the gym, please add more weights before calling emergency services