Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Bruce Wayne could prevent so much more crime if he just used his vast fortune to buy up all the Gotham tri-state area abandoned chemical plants and dilapidated amusement parks.

shark: *smirking* no hablo inglés

Thieves have removed motorway signs in Yorkshire. Police are currently searching for Leeds.

Me: What are you doing?
My 6yo: [buttering the piano] Nothing.

Phone

Me: I can’t. I can’t THINK right now. I CAN’T. Too exhausted.

Person: But if you could just—

Me: LISTEN to me. LISTEN. I CAN’T. No higher brain function. Stop asking. Too tired to think. Stop making words to me

Delta Airlines Execs: oh COME on!!

Corona Beer Execs: FINALLY!!

My ex gf came from the land down under, no not Australia, Hell.

The phrase “it’s ok if they never make Shrek 5” is such a weak mindset. You are ok with no Fergus, no Farkle, no Felicia. When you stop getting angry after no news, you’ve lost twice.

There’s always more onions, and always room for more swamps, it’s never ogre.

LEGAL TIP

Open the calendar app on your phone, scroll back to the 15th of March 44BC and type in, “Stayed at home and watched TV all day today. Definitely didn’t go the the Senate.”

This gives you a plausible alibi in case you’re ever accused of assassinating Julius Caesar 👍

Moved my clocks forward and they fell off the shelves

Please stop making sex robots, if I want to have sex I’ll do it the way God intended: By making a regular robot fall in love with me.

I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.

What I like about greyhounds is that they look like they evolved specifically to fit their snoots into tall and narrow pickle jars.

me watching my own Instagram story

I always say no to drugs. But, if they ever start deep frying them, I’m in big trouble.

Fact: ants can lift 20 times their body weight, more if a bro is spotting them.

7-year-old: Can we leave the house?

Me: We could go for a walk.

7: And then what?

Me: Come back to the house.

7: I’ll just stay here.

When your parents said you could be anything you wanted, I don’t think they meant annoying

Movies taught me that, when you place a small sentimental item in someone’s hand, you also have to close their hand for them.

And I was never asked to make anything for the school bake sale again

nothing will ever burn me quite as bad as when my sister told me i reminded her of those aliens who smoke cigarettes and drink coffee in men in black

5: [bending his own finger backward] THIS HURTS & I DON’T KNOW HOW TO MAKE IT STOP!

Me: [sighs & closes his college savings account]

People joke that soup acts “all dramatic” when you put it in a microwave, but if you put those same people in a microwave, they would freak out. Hypocrites.

I sure do wish my gasts would stop getting flabbered

Jeff Golblum playing a Star Wars producer: hmmmlaser swords you say? Mmm hmmm ha ha ha, okay, but here’s the thing I want there to be a small frog man to have one of those …laser swords? do I have that right? yeah

Inception (2010) – Five men and one woman plot to nap on a plane.

If your name is Marco and you were in the dentist office waiting room this morning, just wanted to apologize for my three teenage daughters yelling, ‘Polo’ in unison after they called your name.

My neighbor thinks that the coyotes are back. When should I tell her that it was just 11 running around the backyard howling at the moon for no reason?

My original account got suspended for aggressive behavior and they haven’t even seen me in bed yet.

Taking applications for a semi pro story telling back scratcher.

Must work nights.