Coworker: It’ll either work or it won’t.
Me: Yes. Those would be the two possible outcomes.
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Days after my plane crashed, I find a phone. Thankfully, it has enough battery for me to go online & argue with strangers. I remain stranded
[changing baby]
Me: I would like a very different baby, please
It’s my birthday!
This loopy thing is my gift to you 🎈
There’s been a terrible misunderstanding.
It seems that monkey is the root of all evil.
Kids who were good at lying grew up to be meteorologists
I went to a friend’s house and she happened to have a scale so I weighed myself and guess what I don’t like that friend anymore
Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
*first time fishing*
Me: Ok now what
Friend: See that hook? You’re aiming to get that in the mouth
Me: orkay nrow wrhat
Every time I go to the grocery store my husband asks what I’m going to buy. What does he think I’m going to buy, a tiger?
i’m just in the middle of doing some push ups. well actually i’ve just dropped a packet of M&Ms and i’m searching for the ones that rolled under my couch but same thing right
I may toss the cat into my teen’s room when he snoozes his alarm
if he fails to check his pillow for catnip before bed that’s his own fault
“I’ll fix the roof myself,” I said, “save some money” I said…
Jesus pulling Matthew mark luke and John to the Side and being like you guys are the big dogs
*shakes the ATM like it’s a vending machine*
I hate it when people tell me to “stay in your lane!” Granted i’m drunk at the bowling alley, but it’s still uncalled for.
“Excuse me, sir, I’m going to have to ask you not to sleep in the library.”
“Why are you bothering me right now? What if I was dead?”
“I’m afraid we discourage that as well.”
I only had kids so I’d have a valid excuse for always being late
N V B K I T H E K L O P F
I N V E N T O R Z S F O F
T H E E F G H J I O L P L
Y Q W O R D S E A R C H
H A S J P O D I E D G W
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is problematic
me: then maybe give me a different word
If I had a time machine, I’d go back in time and wait for the first person who ever said it to say “it is what it is” so I could smack them in the back of the head with a shovel.
Raisins are grape jerky.
Overheard a woman yelling at her husband for paying more attention to Twitter than to her….Or at least that’s what I think she said to me.
The grass is fuckin greener wherever you water it…….
….idiot….
Now that I’m 40, I’ve had to change my safe word to ‘my knees! my knees!’
Jesus: “BRAINS!”
*everyone looks scared*
Jesus: “Just kidding! I’m fine, I’m fine.”
Me: I swear you’ll be the death of me
Murderer: lol
Bluetick account 1: [says some incredibly offensive shit completely unprovoked]
Bluetick 2: wow your mentions are a real sewer 😳
Bluetick 1: I know 😂 that’s just Twitter though isn’t it 🙄
Bluetick 2: so true! Sending love❤️
Bluetick 1: ❤️
on a walk around my neighborhood today i saw two houses across from each other with a “my neighbor is a karen” flag in their yard and i’m really interested if they hate each other or there’s a third neighbor who’s just a realllll b***h
Guys that squirrel is on my patio in the dark dragging his little hand across his throat shit what do I do
[at a dinner party]
Me: I saw a UFO once
Wife: It was a frisbee
Me: At the park
Wife: Frisbee
Me: I took a pic
Wife: Of a frisbee in the air
Me: *shows pic*
Friend: Looks like a…
Wife: Frisbee