Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When I said that you’d always have a place to stay in rough times, I meant like a motel or a shelter. Anyway … You can’t stay here.

If candy bars can be called cereal bars to make them sound healthy then why can’t alcohol be called cereal drink?

I’m pretty sure my kids see a freshly vacuumed floor as a challenge.

My car has the innate super power of knowing when I have any extra money and spontaneously breaking down.

Million Dollar Idea: Teach pugs to DJ, create a new genre of music…pugstep.

Her: Oh, please… You’ll make a pass at anything in a skirt.

Me: Yeah, last night a Scotsman nearly killed me!

Doctor: how do you stay active?

Me: I just jiggle the mouse every 5min

HER: Shake what your momma gave you!
ME: *Tosses around crippling anxiety and male pattern baldness*

Took me thirty five minutes to tighten the screw in my glasses because I didn’t have my glasses on.

This Slow Jaywalker Thinks The Driver Of The Oncoming Car Values Human Life More Than Proving A Point, What Happens Next Will Surprise Him!

[me trying to sell my personal information on the dark web]

For a dollar I’ll tell you how much cheese I eat.

Kind of lied on my Tinder profile and said I had a boat*

*gravy

My car won’t turn off in the garage unless I check the closet for monster trucks.

2yo: Me sick *sneezes in my face*

Me: Oh good, what fun plague am I going to catch now?

Hello. My name is Ellie & I just got off the bus while listening to King Of Rock & Roll by Prefab Sprout & accidentally said “hot dog” instead of “thank you” to the driver. I must now leave this planet & never return. Farewell.

“So, why do you want to be a veterinarian?”
[pictures an army of cyborg dogs with laser eyes and jet packs]
…I love to help animals.

If you don’t have any friends who have covid right now you’re blessed or you probably don’t have friends

i could never use my superhero powers to become an actual superhero because i could never commit to the lifestyle.
oh wait, that alarm says someone is in trouble RIGHT NOW? sorry, i need at least 48 hours notice and a written form

My dad was diagnosed with ornamental iron deficiency. He’s supposed to lick a metal handrail twice a day. I honestly feel doctors are just making things up.

Coworker: did you get a tan?

Me (fell asleep in my spaghetti last night): yes thank you for noticing, Ethan

“Please be more mindful of how expressive your eyebrows can be during meetings when others are speaking” my boss to me after the great 2 truths and a lie incident of February 15, 2024.

Say one positive thing about your opponent
Well…he does convert oxygen into carbon dioxide which helps trees grow.

[Toddler 911]

911: what’s your emergency?

Son: it’s naptime.

911: have you tried stalling?

Son: I asked for water.

911: and your favorite stuffed animal?

Son: yep.

911: that toy you shoved under the couch?

Son: they don’t know where that’s at.

911: perfect. ask for that.

[Gender reveal party]

Me: I don’t get it. Are they having a Smurf?

Wife: Shutup and eat your cake.

Girl, are you a barnacle? Because you suck and I can’t get you off my boat

Ah to be a little slug on a day like today. The rain is out. No cares in the world. Time for slime.

Here’s a tip how about designing a Band-Aid that you can open before you bleed out WHAT AN IDEA

got bored and went to Home Depot wearing an orange apron to see how good i am at making up answers to peoples home repair questions

Of course I stay hydrated, carbohydrated.