Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

No more eating spaghetti while driving and this time I mean it.

My Uber driver doesn’t know that soon he’ll be an accomplice.

This entire pizza told me thigh gaps are for queers.

Glen, the spatula: *giggling* ok ok shhhh watch this

Me: *trying to open the drawer* what the-*ᴄʜᴜɴᴋ* dammit-*ᴄʜᴜɴᴋ*

The other Utensils: *going nuts* GLEN! GLEN! GLEN! GLEN!

The opposite of ‘taking candy from a baby’ is ‘putting sunscreen on a toddler’.

they see me scrollin

That clothes store that catered to old people 20 years ago is suddenly catering to me now. Wild.

CAR GPS: turn left
PHONE GPS: turn right
C: who was that?
ME: just a friend
P: just a friend?
ME: wait
C: make an illegal U-turn
ME: babe

Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.

My dog:

*at my funeral, friends talk around the coffin*
So crazy, just two days ago she was doing good –
*I rise from grave*
I was doing WELL.

Me: *Making a wish as I throw a quarter into the fountain*

Coworker: He’s ruining the fondue again!

i asked myself if i was crazy and we all said no stop playin w me

Watching women’s tennis and getting angry at the net. We shouldn’t put needless obstacles in the way of women.

Mike Pence has a strong resume, including Governor of Indiana and Shawshank Prison Guard. #VPDebate

Not sure how coffee got its own table in the living room, but kudos.

What you say: Don’t make a mess in the bathroom.

What the child hears: There are six bottle of nail polish in the vanity drawer.

[Hall of Justice]
Aquaman: How do you expect me to ignite the TNT below Kaiser’s floating fortress?
Waterproof Match Man: Maybe I can help.

Darth Vader: [swiping through tinder] why am I not getting any matches

Stormtrooper: [under breath] maybe because you’re an evil genocidal maniac

Darth Vader: is it because I’m a single dad

Good news everyone, the priest who took my confession is expected to make a full recovery

I suggested some hiking trails for my ex, so I guess you can say I’m putting the path back in psychopath.

Her: What’s with the bunny?

Him: I’m teaching him to look into the mirror and say, “you talkin’ to me?”

Her: Why?

Him: Because Rabbit Deniro is a badass and an artist, Lauren.

Handed a date my phone so he could pick a place for takeout and Postmates showed him a huge popup that said I ordered soup dumplings 3 days straight then basically said I was the #1 dumpling orderer in the city and asked if I wanted to send a personal message to the restaurant

Protip: If you’re bad at geography and someone asks about an obscure country just say “isn’t that where the oiled up Olympics guy is from?”

“i can’t go because of coronavirus”
– whiny
– boring
– weak

“i’ve sworn an oath of solitude til the blight is purged from these lands”
– heroic, valiant
– they will assume you have a sword
– impossible to check if you really have a sword because of coronavirus

Me: It’s late, and I’m so tired.

My brain: Let’s find a word that rhymes with tequila.

Eucalyptus are the only plants named after what they would say if pruned

Made a deal with my wife a few months back that if was if she was still pregnant come #Halloween, she’d dress up as Bob Wylie. She lost… and all of Twitter has now won. #Browns

Don’t be scared of a snake. It’s just a slimey, conscious rope that is evil and can kill you.

I like how tinder repeats old faces you already swiped left, as though the longer you’re there the more desperate you get and the lower your standards drop until eventually you swipe them right

I’m sending a whole bunch of emails to random Nigerians letting them know they’ve won the Canadian lottery.