Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

due to unforeseen circumstances i just quit my job as a psychic

Dude told me his sister got in trouble for drugs. I called her Bethanphetamine, he blocked me. Too bad. There was potential

Kid 1: Hurt my elbow
School Nurse: Here’s an ice pack

K2: *fever*
SN: Ice pack

K3: *diarrhea*
SN: Ice pack

K4: *decapitated*
SN: Ice pack

GOD: ok, you 2 have basically the same body, now let’s just divide these legs up!

SNAKE: Actually, what say we play cards for it? Winner gets ALL the legs.

GOD: …There is literally no reason to do that.

MILLIPEDE: *Shuffling with 1 hand* No no, he wants to play let him play.

I ordered the chick on page 3 in the Victoria’s Secret catalog…

But all they sent me was her underwear.

I don’t have Facebook I use the police to tell my friends and family when I’m doing badly

*gets waitress’s phone number*
*texts her before meal is over*
“Napkins????”

Got my son to paint our fence by telling him it was his first karate class.

unless you’re dead wearing a sheet you got no business ghosting ppl.

[first day as Niagara Falls tour guide]
And to the left you can see [frantically flips through your guide] water.

My kid lost a tooth and the Tooth Fairy doesn’t have anything less than a $20 bill.

This is not the motherhood I envisioned.

my wife: “we should go to that buffet where you slipped on fettuccine alfredo you spilled while running to the cheese fountain”

me: “you’ll have to be more specific”

Husband: Can I use your phone?
Me: *throwing phone in the ocean* My what?

ME: *seductively removes her G-string*
HER: Could you please just hurry up and finish restringing my guitar?

She’s a 10, but you can’t date numerical values and anthropomorphising digits doesn’t lead to a stable relationship.

Why are people still calling my phone I thought we covered this at orientation…

hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger! oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-

A mockingbird, a diamond ring, a mirror, a goat, a cart and bull, and finally a dog.

If you’re trying to quiet a baby, may I recommend a pacifier and a white noise machine?

Serious Question: Can I get a moustache by kissing another guy with a moustache?

All I wanna do is
[gun shot noise]
[cash register noise]
[organ noise]
[saxophone noise]
[cow noise]
[cat noise]
Fix this broken synthesizer

Dear people with resolutions,

Please bring all your unwanted.. bread, junk food, soda, drugs, and alcohol to my house. Thanks.

I picked up a big pack of toilet paper in Walmart and some dude was on the same aisle like “dang sir what you gonna do with all that…” I wasn’t aware this needed an explanation but here we are

I wish I were this cool 😂

Me: Why aren’t you smiling in your school picture?
Child: Because I’m at school.
Me: So?
Child: Can I see your work ID?
Me: OK never mind I get it.

Where’s the hole?
*feels for it*
*tries to stick it in*
*misses*
Damn it! Wrong hole.
*fingers it*
*slides it in*

– Me, plugging in my charger in the dark.

If I saw 99 red balloons go by I’d probably just round it up to a hundred when I was telling people about it.

Me: My grandparents have been married for 50 years.

Friend: I can’t imagine being married for that long!

His wife: [glares at him]

Me: I don’t think you will have that problem.

I found an old photo of 5 yo me in my dad’s boat and on the back he’d written “my pride and joy” and I’m 99% certain he was referring to the boat

Maybe the philharmonic isn’t so bad after all 🤔

Men: nothing is sexier than a woman with a great sense of humor

Also men: except, like, a really sexy woman