Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Put a picture of a random coworker on your desk to spice up the workplace

Fact: Alcohol increases the size of the send button by 89%

Could you Christian rock singers please invest in a thesaurus. I think God is fully aware by now that you think he is “great” and “awesome.”

i think muppets being in horror movies would be better than the original: a thread

[Burgler walking around our house] Have…have I been here already tonight?

When I’m mad at my dog, I watch dog shows on Animal Planet and ignore him.

Save money by accidentally forgetting your wallet at home. Follow me for more financial tips and tricks.

When a little kid starts crying at a sad part in a movie so you quickly explain it’s all make-believe to make her feel better but she starts crying louder because she just realized all the movies that made her happy are bullshit too.

I found a new way to get my wife to wash the car. When ever it gets dusty I write the following on it:

“I wish my Wife was this Dirty”.

Brother: Did you know a remote is 20 times dirtier than a toilet seat?

Me *licking remote*
I don’t drip caramel sauce on toilet seats.

Finding a hair in food that you’ve just prepared at home is certainly disconcerting when you’re bald.

Aquaman is part fish, if you want to kill him just overfeed him.

First date idea: you rescue me out of the tree I got stuck in while looking through your windows.

Me: I feel like we haven’t talked much lately. Why don’t we talk more often?

My husband: We can talk and fold laundry together later if you want.

Me: …

Him: …

Me: “I don’t want to talk to you” takes so much less time to say.

Him: How have you lived this long?

Sometimes I spend so much time on Twitter in the bathroom that I actually pee twice.

Trump getting elected after Obama was not what they meant by Orange is the New Black

“And we’re back at the Baby Walking Finals!”

“Our next competitor is attempting a 3 inch step…”

“He got his right foot down firmly and the grandparents are impressed. Can he stick the landing?”

“He’s coming down with his left foot and… Ohhhhh he’s fallen flat on his face!”

Siri do my hangover for me tomorrow morning.

I’ve just taken a tablet that completely erases your memory of the last 24hrs.
What was I thinking?

Coworker: Cute dress!

Me: Really, thank you, I got up late and forgot I had to wash my hair and then I saw it hanging on the outside of my closet and didn’t have time to grab anything else and it probably looks like a floral potato sack nightmare nightgown

Coworker: [avoids me]

Everyone said I couldn’t do poetry because of my dyslexia…

But I’ve already made a vase, a kettle, and a jug. Showed em.

I am a gravy boat captain

It was probably the machine that kept the world from turning to shit.

A new study shows that mussels are changing as the ocean warms. Hopefully they’re changing to be garlic & butter-flavoured.

I took the first step towards cleaning out my closet today. I went in there and looked it over good.

It’s an epidemic…

One minute you’re young and fun and the next, you need a tow out of a beanbag chair.

Salad is by far the lamest type of bar.

I’d enjoy therapy a lot more if it included cocktails and a light snack.