Coworker left himself signed in to LinkedIn and now his skills include “mouth breathing”.
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[marriage counseling]
She thinks I’m stupid
“He covers himself in baby powder before we have sex”
HOW ELSE DO YOU MAKE A BABY, KAREN?
My dad just called because he was thinking of me & loves me. And THAT’S why I never danced on a pole. Well, that and I got too dizzy.
In case you were wondering, Taco Bell offers free wi-fi.
Don’t bother asking for the password, because it’s totally “Cornhole Explosion”.
Edgar Allan Poe Because Edgar Allan Got No Job
I just heard someone refer to Texas as “Howdy Arabia” and I still haven’t stopped laughing.
If you bring back your paper bags at Whole Foods, they’ll give a refund of 5 cents. After a year you’ll have enough money to buy an orange.
Now that the coronation is over, perhaps King Charles will respond to my proposal for a noble quest.
I’ve just bought a new Christmas keyboard for my computer.
There’s No L.
me: when the weinermobile goes through the car wash do they take the bun portion off or do they just let it get all soggy
judge: i meant questions about your life sentence
I had no idea parenting would turn me into the kind of person that thanks their 4yo for peeing in the toilet but here we are.
If someone ever asks you for advice just reply with “Buy a penguin”. Imagine a scenario where that isn’t awesome.
My favorite body pillow is warm and fluffy and barks if anyone tries to touch me.
restaurant owner: you start on monday
me: I can’t wait
restaurant owner: I don’t think this will work out then
Any grown man whose mustache is a different color than his head hair is automatically qualified to be the conductor of a magical train.
My daughter sat beside me on the bed with a granola bar, so I’m gonna get back at her by eating powdered donuts in hers.
me: hm what could I add to this bath to relax and forget everything?
my brain: a hairdryer.
Currently experiencing the worst thing that can happen to a person (folding laundry)
The right sneeze can adjust a tampon.
her: so we could have sex
me: 🙁
her: or we could do the complex fight choreography you came up with
me: 🙂
her: [sigh] i’ll get the katanas
Fun Things
There are 3 types of guys in this world
● 1) Handsome
● 2) Lucky
● 3) Me
To the person that stole my glasses.
I will find you, I have contacts.
No you shut up 😂🥳
interviewer: describe yourself in one word
me: great listener
You’re like a semicolon. I’m not sure exactly what to do with you.
I named my WiFi after my last girlfriend because it’s never fully connected with me. And also because I caught my neighbour using it.
literally so stressful to bag your own groceries in front of a trader joes employee. like playing basketball in front of lebron. please can you scan slower. i’m sweaty and i am getting scared
ME: [repeatedly trying, and failing, to film a successful water bottle flip]
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: experts project extinction for this species
6yo: Wow you look much better already daddy! Will you be able to have the stitches out soon?
Taxidermist: He will not
2 goldfish are in a tank. One looks at the other and says “YOU MAN THE GUNS, I’LL DRIVE!”
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
(I’m not deleting this)