Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Now that the government is in charge of sports betting, does that free up the mob to do like…high speed railway construction or universal healthcare?

Am I the most attractive woman out there ? Of course not. But do I have a good personality ? Well, no. But do I wake up every day and try to be the best person that I can be ? Also no.

“Omg, I literally just died”

-people who literally don’t know what literally means

How do I tell my kid the tooth fairy needs $15 change for the $20 she left under his pillow?

*first day as a lawyer*

Bailiff: All rise for the judge.

Me: *too lazy* Objection.

Found out I can’t run the air fryer, toaster, and microwave at the same time, but on the plus side I’m pretty sure I took a screenshot of the kitchen

“How about… we change the 6 to a 7?”
“I love it!”
–board meeting at the company that makes novelty sunglasses for New Year’s Eve

Gollum had a pretty sweet setup for a while. Cave where no one bothers him. Cool item to look at in his cave

I can’t remember if Moses was DC or Marvel

WHAT SIGN IS SHE

Getting my kid ready for her Girl Scouts trip to a horse farm

Wife: get your hair in a pony tail before you go

Kid: why do I have to do that?

Me: it’s a sign of good faith for the other ponies

Kid:

Me: it shows that you’re one of them and helps gain their trust

TRUMP: Millions of Draculas are entering our country illegally from Transylvania. The security of our nation is a stake!

(pretending to be well-read to impress a girl)
War and Peace? Yeah I loved that one
“What was your favorite part?”
I’d have to say the Peace

interviewer: why do u want this job

me: i love health insurance

This day in history. 1940. Carbon-14 was discovered, allowing us to estimate the age of organic materials such as wood, leather, and Cher.

fedex left me a note that they missed me, which is so sweet cause I miss u too, u bunch of box-destroying psychopaths

You know you’re old when you start telling people how much cheaper things used to be.

Roses are red. Violets are blue. If he’s busy on Valentine’s Day, the side chic is you.

Your love is like Vicodin. You take away my pain but make me sick to stomach afterwards and you’re also white.

if you’re havin girl problems I feel bad for you son, I got 99 problems and they’re all bottles of beer on the wall

rest in peas

[classroom]
Nietzsche: whoever fights monsters should see to it that he does not become a monster. Any questions?

Me: [googling how to fight a dragon] I have a few

Legos cost way too much for smthg I still have to put together myself

[standing in driveway with wife]
I thought we agreed on a Prius
[giant eagle pecks at saddle]
NO THIS IS BETTER

A jiffy is 1/100th of a second. No one has ever been back in a jiffy.

they shouldn’t make rare paintings “priceless” – they should give them a price. that way if they’re stolen, the thief has a number to go with when selling the rare paintings

“This is the worst karaoke bar I’ve ever been in!”

– me whenever my wife sings while driving.

“We survived WW2 we can get through Brexit!”
“Gareth you are 41 and have never even gone paintballing what the absolute shit are you talking about”

*receives a monthly bill*

didn’t i just pay this last month??