Coworker left himself signed in to LinkedIn and now his skills include “mouth breathing”.
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wife: why is the automatic soap dispenser in the kitch- *hazelnut creamer squirts into her hand*
ME, my last day as a stenographer: Hey sorry everybody, but real quick, are you all saying “murberer”?
My neighbor’s smart refrigerator keeps trying to text me salami
I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.
50 shades of grey = my Liver
Me: Would you remarry if I died?
Wife: Yes.
Me: What?!? Would you at least WAIT awhile?
Wife: Depends. Are you dead because I killed you?
Y’all I saw eyes in the forest on my walk tonight and got kind of scared until I used my flashlight and now I’m DYING
[reaches into pocket for car keys]
Hand: I got nothing
Brain: they only ever go in that pocket
Hand: well I’m here & they’re not so
Brain: so we’re walking cos I put them in there & if they’re not there then they’re lost
Other hand: holy shit you guys are not gonna believe this
*adds pineapple to your lasagna*
“Hello?”
“Hi it’s me”
“Oh hi me”
[Infomercial for Parachutes]
“Has this ever happened to you?” *showing footage of a man getting thrown off a building, screaming*
A measles outbreak? Weird. You’d think in this day and age, they’d have invented something to protect against that.
Friend: Can I borrow a pen?
Me: Sure!
*looks in purse*
*pulls out perfume, 17 Hershey kisses, a stapler & a baby goat*
Me: Sorry, no pen. 🙁
snack time! which shapeless, wiggly treat would you rather?
why is covid-19 trending does anyone know
Wife: Don’t you hate when you eat something that’s not very satisfying but it’s too late to eat something else?
Me: Too late?
[Giving my eulogy]
GIRLFRIEND: He was beloved for his many funny tweets, such as,
*Scrolling**Scrolling*
*Scrolling*
*Very slight chuckle*
*Scrolling*
Okay I actually don’t see any I like but he talked about it a lot, so I assume he was good.
Meow
“No. No birthdays, Christmas or modern medicine.. But you sure do make great friends going door-to-door”
*Door slams
– Jehova’s Witnesses
I have no idea where they learned to talk like that.
– the parent who taught them to talk like that
Just saw The Martian. If Matt Damon was alone on Mars, who was filming him that whole time? Clearly fake
my wife says she’s never worked in tech support, but when something is broken she always has helpful tips like “is it on?” and I’m like ok geek squad
Chopped: College Edition.
“In your mystery basket: Ramen Noodles, coffee, crippling debt, a worthless degree. Chefs, you have 30 minutes.”
“I want to brew beer with my feet but be an archeologist with my hands,” a friend’s 4 y.o. declares. My own career arc was less defined.
The first people who called chocolate a vegetable are the real heroes.
[first day as a cashier]
customer: can I use this coupon for toilet paper
me: why don’t you use the rolls that you’re buying
Trimmed my eyebrows too short. Now every time I catch someone staring, I sternly say “my eyes are down here.”
“we’re broke? how is that possible?”
(extremely high pitched voice)
no idea
“did you-”
*opens closet & hundreds of helium tanks fall out*
They say the customer is always right but the Chevy Dealer still won’t sell me a Transformer
Her: Oh, a handsome man like you must be used to compliments.
Me: Yes, but do go on…