coworker: look at my baby
me: wats his name
coworker: jeremy
me: how do u kno
coworker: we named him jeremy
me: wat if he already had a name
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I wear a 3-piece suit to bed in case someone breaks in & we have nothing to talk about. “Did you notice I’m wearing a suit?” “Yes”
#SignsAGuyDoesntLikeYou he takes a long time to reply to your letters and blames it on the “prison mail system”
you learn something new every day oh god make it stop
Don’t let hippos sniff mopeds
Or a deer chew your bike
Hide big wheels from gators
They know what they like
Geese love to rub rowboats
Ducks will tickle your van
Rabbits snuggle with tractors
Whenever they can
Squirrels smooch skateboards
If a door’s left ajar
And whatever you do
Gonna celebrate this weekend by flinging hundreds of frisbees onto my neighbors roofs
I’m gonna work tirelessly until I find whoever stole the wheels off my car
My 10 year old:
If nothing is faster than the speed of light, how did darkness get there first?
Me: WHAT?!
i’m sorry that i bit you, i was trying to flirt
Pilot: “What does this button do?”
*intercom turns on*
Pilot: “Doesn’t do anything. Not sure what any of these buttons do.”
one time on mushrooms i decided i should be living off nuts & seeds like a little squirrel, so I went to Whole Foods and blew my whole paycheck on nuts & seeds. then all week I had no money and DID have to live off nuts & seeds, and let me tell you I WAS SO WRONG. it sucked
Apparently yesterday was World Homeopathy Day. Homeopathy is so useless, even its awareness day doesn’t get noticed. Maybe they should try diluting it across several months?
Dressing up as the grim reaper while at work in the ER is not amusing says HR. So uptight.
GOOD COP: He won’t talk except in sign language
BAD COP: I just cut off his left hand
BAD PUN COP: He still has the right to remain silent
It’s an honour @thefunnytweeter – – thank you.
I miss you like an idiot misses the point.
My kid: Hurts his eye putting on safety goggles
Alanis Morisette: *deep breath*
Each year over 40, one more part of your body becomes audible.
interviewer: how well do you perform under pressure?
me: I’m better at bohemian rhapsody to be honest
My favorite thing to do at a rock and roll concert is to yell “kiss, kiss, kiss” every time the guitarists stand close together and face each other to riff
that lip filler tho
[restaurant]
date: this chicken is a little dry
me: I think my burger‘s undercooked
waiter: how is everything
me: it’s great
date: so good
I feel like IBM isn’t being roasted enough for their company name.
Wife: He’s just so literal all of the time, he gets so confused
Psychiatrist: Is this true?
Me: [worried] Are u really gonna make me shrink?
*returning from an epic vacation of cool sightseeing, yummy foods, gorgeous hikes, stunning beaches, abundant wildlife, etc.*
Teacher: How was your vacation?
My son: A human pooped on the sidewalk.
878 dead bodies lay there.
Liam Nesson “Are we done?”
Police: “Sure, I don’t see any reason why we should arrest you.”
Really discouraging that there’s still bald people in sci fi movies.
Alexa, give me the winning lottery numbers for tonight
If you ever see a ghost DO NOT put a sheet over your head and make noises. They find it offensive.
Made something I’m not proud of
opening a star wars pub called bar bar binks