coworker: look at my baby
me: wats his name
coworker: jeremy
me: how do u kno
coworker: we named him jeremy
me: wat if he already had a name
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[FIRST DATE]
Him: “I love science-fiction.”
Me, trying to impress him: “I think the earth is flat.”
I saw the Cheesecake Factory trending and thought it died.
The only drawback to having your groceries delivered is now an unknown number people know my cake habits.
My kid actually changed her sheets today but only because the old ones desperately crawled to the laundry room on their own.
celebrating pi day by not knowing when to stop
Parents, stop giving your kids these crazy names. I just found a love letter my son wrote to a girl named “Steven!”
I’m proud of the fact I’ve never yet lost a fight with a panda.
I’m not heartless. It’s just in a different purse at the bottom of the closet.
[inventing a new flavor Dorito] what’s the last thing you stepped on
Me: I’m so happy that gyms have reopened. I’ll do whatever it takes to get in back in shape
Trainer: That’s great! Let’s start with…
Me: Snacks?
*twirls fork through hair*
So, is it is really murder if you stab them when they stand between you and your cake?
Her: Why are you videoing that microwave meal?
Me: The instructions say ‘remove packaging and film’
Who really needs jetpacks, I want to be able to start over from my last save point
what idiot named them jet skis instead of boatercycles
[meeting aboard the ISS space station]
Capt: all personnel are-David sit down please
Me trying to open a window cos it’s stuffy: in a minute
if you actually do the calculations, it turns out movies always give the wrong answers for equations because otherwise they owe a royalty to math
What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?
Two Dough Nuts.
“Lady In Red” is my favorite song about a guy that’s trying to get laid even though he can’t remember her goddamn name.
I bought a new cat tree for my cats and they are just having the best time playing in the box it came in.
I got my husband to watch Game of Thrones with me by telling him “Just wait. There’s a good car chase comin’ up”
*hits bong*
*abuses bong*
*bong calls bong protection agency*
*bong custody taken*
*bong put in foster home*
*bong misses old life*
octopus = 1 octopus
octopuses = 2 octopuses
octopi = 2 roman octopuses
octopodes = 2 greek octopuses
octo-potus = president of the octopuses
If, by chance, I ever overthrow a government in an English speaking country, my first act as new leader will be to un-silence the p in coup.
I’d get into a lesbian relationship just to mooch my girlfriend’s hair care products.
A Jurassic Park movie where nothing goes wrong just 2 of the employees fall in love & later a baby dino is the ring bearer at their wedding
My 19 y.o. watched a show where a romance ended badly.
In a distressed voice, she asked: “WHY can’t we just have a HAPPY ENDING?”
I involuntarily muttered under my breath: “Because we don’t have the money to pay the masseuse.”
19 y.o.: “What?”
Me: “I didn’t say anything.”
How to make the World Cup more exciting:
Refs are on stilts
The ball screams when kicked
Kissing is legal
1 player gets to use a car
Snakes
Being a mom means being the first one up in the morning, the last one to bed at night, and the only one drinking during church.
*sees cute guy approaching*
Me: *whispers to self* Don’t be weird… don’t be weird…
Him: Hey.
Me: *wombat noises*
Stop saying “you can’t make this stuff up“. You can make anything up. Watch this: a breakdancing beaver wearing a top hat. A peanut butter and thumbtack sandwich. A baby doing calculus. It’s easy.