Some people just lack the ability to laugh at themselves. That’s where I come in.
coworker: look at my baby
me: wats his name
me: how do u kno
coworker: we named him jeremy
me: wat if he already had a name
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They’re really bad with fonts.
If you ever find a partially eaten grilled cheese sandwich at my house call the police.
I can only listen to Russian classical music after drinking creamy tea too fast.
The chai cough’s key
My mother always cooked with wine
while I was growing up back home.
Occasionally she would even add
some to whatever she was cooking.
[Being murdered while eating a salad]
Please sir will you stab the spinach out of my teeth don’t let them find me like this
Blows you, kisses
See proper punctuation is important
ROBBER: nobody moves, nobody gets hurt!
ME: *gazing tearfully at a pic of my long distance gf* too late
my father: enjoying the marching band?
me: yes 🙂
my father: when you grow up will you be the savior of the broken, beaten, and damned and defeat your demons & nonbelievers? cuz one day i’ll leave you, a phantom to-
me: feels like youve got some of your own stuff going on here
Therapist: What’s your earliest memory?
Me: Crying to my mom when I couldn’t find my shoes
Therapist: So around what, five?
Me: Seven this morning