@jonnysun

coworker: look at my baby
me: wats his name
coworker: jeremy
me: how do u kno
coworker: we named him jeremy
me: wat if he already had a name

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@juicymorsel

Some people just lack the ability to laugh at themselves. That’s where I come in.

@cravin4

If you ever find a partially eaten grilled cheese sandwich at my house call the police.

@kfoagkfoag

I can only listen to Russian classical music after drinking creamy tea too fast.
The chai cough’s key

@SteveKoehler22

My mother always cooked with wine
while I was growing up back home.

Occasionally she would even add
some to whatever she was cooking.

@Ygrene

[Being murdered while eating a salad]
Please sir will you stab the spinach out of my teeth don’t let them find me like this

@1MeLrO

Blows you, kisses

See proper punctuation is important

@VanGobot

*bank robbery*
ROBBER: nobody moves, nobody gets hurt!
ME: *gazing tearfully at a pic of my long distance gf* too late

@MNateShyamalan

my father: enjoying the marching band?

me: yes 🙂

my father: when you grow up will you be the savior of the broken, beaten, and damned and defeat your demons & nonbelievers? cuz one day i’ll leave you, a phantom to-

me: feels like youve got some of your own stuff going on here

@Browtweaten

Therapist: What’s your earliest memory?

Me: Crying to my mom when I couldn’t find my shoes

Therapist: So around what, five?

Me: Seven this morning