Carl: Gonna be a hot one today.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: Male ostriches can roar like lions.
Me: Fair enough, Carl.
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Doctor: Absolutely DO NOT take this medication with grapefruit juice.
Me: How about bourbon?
Doctor: Grapefruit juice will be fine
Me: Nice abs, bro
Gym bruh: Uh, thanks?
Me: *pulling a sheet cake from my gym bag* Be a shame if something were to happen to them
What’s the dumbest thing you bought when you were drunk?
I spent $30 on fish food and I don’t have a fish
I’m always confused when people accuse me of “just tweeting things for attention” because…obviously? This isn’t my personal diary. I want people to see it. 😂
me: sweet chainmail
knight: thanks tell six of your friends or I’ll kill you
Nobody ever talks about how effective letting dogs sleep in your bed is for birth control.
The ladies call me Space Mountain…
…cause I’m a 5 hour wait and a 3 minute ride.
Wooooohhhhooooo!!!
Q: What’s the difference between a water bottle and puberty?
A: A water bottle has already hit Justin Bieber. #JustinBieber
[egg store]
Me: what kinda eggs are these?
Clerk: chicken eggs
Me: u got dog eggs?
Clerk [holdin up a sign saying meet me out back in 5]: no
Inside Out 2:
The girl enters puberty.
Her emotions get out of control.
She goes Goth.
Sadness murders the other emotions in their sleep
There’s no actual reason to believe that eating this entire bag of Doritos will make me feel better. That’s why it’s called faith.
“Ladies, calm down. Girlfriend, wife, whatever. The important thing is that between the 2 of you, you brought enough to post my bail”
remember when i met that guy in the club and i asked what he did and he said “i work in subway” and i spent all night asking about sandwich fillings and different breads and the next day i found out he had actually said software not subway. that was a fun and sexy time for me
A sex robot is gonna shoot someone with a 3D gun in my lifetime
Only rings I’m interested in are made from onions.
I was in a band during the 80s called The Prevention. We were better than the Cure.
me: this used to be a Pizza Hut, you can always tell no matter what they turn it into
prison guard: no talking after lights out
If you don’t sleep now, you’ll sleep during the exam. If you sleep now, you’ll fail in the exam. Life is a mess.
Mother: We named you after my father
Me: Yeah, I understand how time works
Alas, my disappointment when I walked into Banana Republic and wasn’t greeted by Chancellor Banana Bananason
Psst, hey wake-up, why are there no Oreos in your pantry?
The old gods are rising again.
Why I update my apps
:-For the new features ❌:-for the notifications to go away✅
Not saying the service in a café yesterday was slow, but on the back of the menu it said they opened in 1874, and there was a picture of me ordering my cup of tea
Getting money from “the Tooth Fairy” is a gateway drug to organ trafficking.
My dad to me: When I was a kid, people would suffer paralysis and death from Polio.
Me to my son: When I was a kid, hand dryers barely did anything.
according to my research, maximum work from home productivity can be reached when you wear a towel all day and lie about your camera not working
are those your eyebrows, or did you headbutt a box of Sharpies
Maintaining the universe’s equilibrium by taking on all the stuff everyone is giving up for Lent
[Me as 911 Operator]
*phone rings*
I wait for it to stop ringing and text back “what’s up”