coworker offered me a distressed bookshelf, like wtf did he do to that poor thing
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Wife: OMG, stop saying that. You’re embarrassing me. You’re a waiter at a BBQ restaurant.
Me: I’ll thank you to refer to me as a porking attendant.
A video clip of me, supposedly from 1941, wearing pigtails and standing on the moon has been misrepresented and proven to be a hoax, fact checkers say.
*harry walks into snape’s office*
“What is it Potter?”
*closes and locks door*
“I miss you”
“Harry…”
*puts finger on snape’s lips*
“Shhhhh”
Nice hourglass figure, girl. Wanna come back to my place and stand on your head so my friends and I can keep time while we play Pictionary?
Dwayne Johnson, paper, scissors
Pizza will never hurt your feelings.
[inventor of teapot]
“I want this water to scream”
Me: Can I get a 12 inch sub?
Naval officer: They’re usually a lot bigger
Breakfast: 300 calories
Lunch: 400 calories
Dinner: 600 calories
Evening Snack: 2,400,000 calories
disney ceo: live action little mermaid
animator: yep
ceo: it’s in the ocean
animator: got it
ceo: coral reefs
animator: understood
ceo: lots of fish
animator: [nose suddenly bleeding] i don’t- what is.… finsh?
I’ve been to some bad parties, but none so bad that I’ve thought I was at a work meeting.
I had a dream where my crush complimented my face and I said “thanks I’ve been working on it my whole life” so yes I’m truly like this all the time even while I sleep
[Grim Reaper arrives at my door]
ME: oh no, is it my time?!
GR: Oh no, I’m just coming for that last tweet you posted. That thing’s been dying for hours…
[alternate reality]
[dogs walking their humans on leashes]
dog1: have u heard of upman?
dog2: whats upman?
dog1: not much man whats up w/ u?
McDonald’s french fries are not real food. Just found one under my car seat from two months ago and it looked perfect.
Tasted fine, too.
Doctor: Open your mouth (inserts tongue depressor)
Me: Mmm, this tastes good.
Dr: You should have tasted it when the Popcicle was on it!
What happens when you build a house on top of an old cemetery for accordion players?
You have a polkageist.
Them: oh I was just talking about you!
Me, jokingly: nothing bad I hope? Ha ha
Them:
Me: oh
Her: [eating lettuce for dinner] so yeah, with those 3 small changes, I lost 4% body fat.
Me: [eating a beer for dinner] fight me
No, I didn’t ask why she had a baby goat at work with her. *shrug* Seems like a personal question.
The good thing about having a glass shower door is that you’ll be able to see when someone is about to Norman Bates you.
me, realizes 5 is hiding behind the couch: what are you doing back there?
5: nothing…I don’t have scissors
Wife: “Did you know that some idiot paid $96,000 for Princess Leia’s gold bikini?”
Me: [nervously tightening my robe] “Who would do that?”
Watching cartoons with my son is awesome except for all the commercials & now his Christmas list has 26,724 things on it. Shit.
If you tell your coworkers you sleep in the nude, no one bothers you when you close your office doors at 2pm every day.
My neighbour’s toddler just told me I look 20 months old so that made my day.
Friday the 13th is my favorite movie about killing anyone having more sex than me
When ever I put on my mask to go into a store, I hear a voice in my head that says “cover me, I’m going in”
I drank so much wine last night when i walked across the dance floor to get another glass, i won the dance competition.
[driving home in silence]
me: all i said was her husband was a really down-to-earth guy
gf: they were lowering his coffin