Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*pours one out for my dad on Father’s Day*

*my dad’s ghost yells at me for wasting good vodka*

After 20 years of marriage, my wife still makes me smile. Usually at family gatherings where she threatens me if I don’t look happy.

me: I’m sorry, it’s over. I really thought we could make this work but we ran out of time together

veggies in my fridge:

My youngest has confused “vegan” with “cannibal” and we just discovered this today.

A lot of conversations that we had this past week are making more sense now.

Also, her adamant refusal to eat a slice of vegan cake.

Cop: Pullover!

Me: It’s a cardigan.

Pretty upsetting that during such a time of pandemic, some people are refusing to take their work home with them… Like my children’s nanny

I was up way earlier than normal and I couldn’t find my cat. I walked around the neighborhood and found him being fed by a lady a few houses down. She had a different name for him and everything. He’s been living a double life. I feel so betrayed.

It’s weird when the label on a jar of food boldly declares something you thought was a minimum requirement: NOW WITH LESS SAWDUST

I want to open up a Shakespeare theater in a Chinese restaurant.

Dimsummernight’s dream

You have to question the modus operandi of people who use Latin for no reason.

I used the words skulduggery and malfeasance in a tweet today and it made me feel inordinately happy.

It was in this tweet, but that still counts right?

Just heard my husband in the kitchen telling our cat “You’re not hungry, you’re bored. Drink some water.”

I set my clocks back last night but since then, they haven’t stopped. It is currently 170 million years BC. Pterodactyls attack endlessly. The air is thick with screams. Blockbuster video are doing an amazing three night movie rental for just £5.99.

My grandma sailed on the Titanic.

She keeps trying to tell me what it was like but I say “Shut it Nana, I haven’t even seen the movie yet!”

I can’t work out if the pilot taxiing towards the terminal window is doing a huge yawn or his brakes have failed.

That split second of panic when you realize you said yes to your toddler but you were distracted and you don’t actually know what you said yes to

My husband and I play this game where we buy potato chips the other one doesn’t like so we don’t have to share.

I saw my ex and her new man at mattress warehouse so being my ever helpful self I told him don’t buy a memory foam, you won’t be around long enough for it to remember you.

[guy who invented windshield wipers] make sure it smudges the part where they have to see.

DATE: Let’s go to your place.
ME: We’ll take my car *pulls out Hot Wheels car*
DATE: …
ME: Just kidding.
DATE: Oh, thank God.
ME: I don’t have a place. I’m homeless.

I’m 35 and I’ve never been married.

At this point, if you ask me on a date, be prepared to tell me about your retirement benefits.

No matter how busy my Sunday gets, I always manage to set aside time to panic about Monday.

WIFE: good news hun we’re up this quarter.

ME: oh yeah? How much?

WIFE: *holding up a coin* this quarter.

coworker is telling us that being a libertarian is based on facts and I’m rubbing dirt between my hands like the beginning of gladiator

Urban Dictionary defines Heck:

Where you go if you don’t believe in Gosh.

I walked into a gas station & a woman handed me a free slice of pizza

Either Iowa is the nicest state in America or I’ve just been poisoned

My son is at that tender age where he believes me when I say that the dog ate the rest of the cookies out of the pantry.

you know you drank too much when you wake up and your liver is on the pillow next to you crying.

Another day, another round of men asking, “Why are women attracted to this mildly unconventional looking dude?” Honey, every woman you know has a crush on the cartoon fox version of Robin Hood, and this is what baffles you?

The Burger King is good at heart, but his advisors deceive him.