Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

No one makes fun of your unibrow if you’re a cyclops.

“No,” said the bus driver, not even taking an eye off the road. Feeling my face reddening with anger but not wanting to cause a wreck, I calmy repeated myself, “I need you to give me back my kazoo right now please.”

If I was a witch, I’d curse you to have to wear tight jeans to Thanksgiving dinner.

Before we get too excited about rising follower counts, it’s good to remember that people also stop to look at accidents.

Set your phone alarm to a song you hate. You won’t hit snooze, because then you’d have to hear Nickelback again.

How do you fix a broken condom?

Rubber cement.

I don’t eat bananas anymore cuz I can’t take the chance of someone taking a picture of me eating something healthy

I have AirPods now, the next step is somehow staying rich and staying humble

“No no, remember I told you we don’t do that in our house..”

-Me, breaking up a cat fight.

It turns out the line is longer for the home office bathroom.

I love sundress season, the way they occasionally and oh so tantalisingly waft up, revealing the treasures hidden beneath. But yes officer, I promise to wear underwear in future.

Somedays I feel like running away.

Then I remember how much I hate running.

Always remember, no matter how bad things get, there’s an animal in the world that would love to be sitting curled up in your lap. Maybe it’s a dog. Maybe it’s a cat. Maybe it’s that weird person from Tinder, but nevertheless…

“Be careful when you follow the Masses.
Sometimes the ‘M’ is silent.”

My niece likes movies about talking animals so I bought her something called The Human Centipede. Sounds cute.

Part of me says I can’t keep drinking like this. The other part of me says, don’t listen to her, she’s drunk

Stay friends with gravity while you can, kids, because one day it will turn on you and make your face look like it’s eating itself.

My ultimate dream is to move back home, open up a bar and run it with all of my friends, and then burn it down for the insurance money

Everyday I walk to work by a Ferrari dealership, put my nose against the etched glass window and say, “someday I’ll own a window this nice.”

i think a great bit would be if petsmart had just one big evil looking sword in this section

If I say, “Don’t worry, I’m on it,” there’s a 98% chance I’m referring to my couch.

A piece of bacon fell on the heating element when I was taking it out of the oven and I saved it without a moment’s hesitation. So that rush of adrenaline that gives parents the strength to lift a car off their kid?
I get it.

“Please be normal”
“Nope”

Any job can be a dream job if you have nightmares about work

The wife is approaching! *Close Twitter, close favstar, close youporn, close match .com, delete history, open google and stare at screen

Where have you been all my life?

Can you go back there?

Went out of town for the weekend and I’m so happy to be home so I can have insomnia in my own bed

If you love someone just tell them. Or get drunk and text them 75 times, that’s practically the same thing.

Sometimes when I’m drunk, I put on a trench coat, lurk around the shadows and pretend I’m the host from Unsolved Mysteries

When my cat gets in trouble I call him by his full name, Catthew.