They just announced step away from the windows at O’Hare because of a tornado warning and crazy storm, so about 10 people got up and walked towards the windows to take pictures.
You Might Also Like
The Spy Who Loved Me But Wasn’t, Like, IN Love With Me #RejectedBondTitles
This story is comedy gold 😂
I love my kids, but not “Puts reindeer antlers and red nose on my SUV during the holiday season” loves my kids.
Carl: What a cute dog! Does he know any tricks?
Dog: Shut up, Carl
Carl: Wow! How did he learn to talk?
Me: Shut up, Carl
Being a parent is having your kid say “I went to school today and I didn’t even lose my donkey” and you know exactly what they mean
*gets pulled over by police*
*shows a little skin*
Officer: “Who’s skin is that? Please step out of the vehicle sir.”
Why does George Zimmerman keep popping up every 6 months or so? Is he the McRib?
Me, sick: *filling up my Vicks humidifier*
Him: Is that… Are you filling that with vodka?
Me: Who are you my doctor? VAPOR IS VAPOR
The real miracle is how Jesus managed to book a table for twenty-six people on the night before the Easter holiday, and then only half them showed up.
I’ve made arrangements for my Twitter reply guy to deliver the rebuttal following my eulogy.
It helps to think of every business meeting as a game, where the object is to leave the room with fewer action items than anybody else.
“You promise you didn’t get me bees again”
[me from a distance] just open it
Here’s my plan. I infiltrate a therapist networking group on Facebook. I ask questions about “my client” to gather their advice. There is no client. It’s me in a cheap wig. I get free therapy from 468 professionals. I fix myself. Then I start a podcast.
My teachers always told me drugs were never the answer, but they also told me Pluto was a planet, so now I don’t know what to think.
Tiger Woods? Do u mean the jungle?
Whoever named them “sugar cookies” could’ve tried a little harder.
teacher: your son was caught smoking pot
me: did he say where he got it?
teacher: yes, his best friend
me: [tearing up] he really said that?
[spending entire date hiding the fact I’m really a beaver]
“ow”
what’s wrong?
“I got a splinter”
may I see?
“I guess so”
delicious
“pardon?”
Assert dominance and avoid the family gatherings this week by getting them all restraining orders for Christmas
YOU are cold. They have fur.
Do not let inside.
Ordered food and they got it right but labeled everything wrong. It’s like Russian roulette but if you lose, you still get a cheeseburger.
When someone says “No Biggie”, I reply with “not since ‘97” and immediately break down crying
Dentist: Did you deliberately loosen this tooth?
Me: Why would I do that?
D: ok…[extracts tooth & hands me a lolly]
Me: *winks at camera*
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: whats that big wooden boat ur building
NOAH: it’s an ark
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: idk looks like a boat to me
NOAH: well it’s an ark
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: haha ok guy have fun with the boat
NOAH: have fun drowning
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: what
NOAH: what
astronaut: we made it. we’re finally on mars
mission control: congratulations! now, the main reason for this trip: do you see any signs of-
astronaut: *sighs* no, no signs of candy bars
mission control: shit
You’re not an Asshole. That’s too much credit for you. You’re an Asshalf.
Me: Help! i need my stomach pumped.
911 Operator: Did you ingest poison, ma’am?
Me: No. Pizza.
[reading horrorscope] “More horror today”. That seems right
[having sex]
me: *finishing first* I win again!
wife: you really don’t
My 4yo thinks it’s fun to bring up special moments completely out of the blue. So all of a sudden I’ll hear, “mommy, remember when you forgot to water the plant and it died?” or “remember when daddy dropped the burgers on the floor?” Feels like we’re living with a tiny heckler.