Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

This year for Mothers Day, I’d just like all the charging cables back that my kids have stollen from me

Me: Ok, here we go. Right foot, yellow

Me: Left hand, red

Me: Left foot, green

Police sketch artist: this can’t be true

Bakers who don’t wear underwear are going commandough

Painting safety tip :

When house painting from a ladder,
never step back to admire your work.

Teens be like, “You know that crumbled up piece of paper that’s been on the table all week? I need it for school.”

If you can name four Metallica songs, you are in Metallica.

It’s like my pet hippo doesn’t even realise it’s my pet.

DOCTOR: Please be quiet while I stitch up your face.

Divorce is never funny. Unless it’s happening to your ex who got engaged six weeks after you broke up.

*Looks left*

*Looks right*

*Crosses road*

*Gets run over by chicken*

Never lose touch with your inner Wednesday Addams.

A British person will be slightly insulted by someone, not say anything, nurture a lingering resentment, patiently bide their time, and eventually, in an unrelated conversation with the person years later, will remark, “that’s typical of you.” Usually across a dining table.

GENIE: 3 wishes. But no extra wishes & no sex stuff

Me: why not?

GENIE: I make the rules

ME: I wish I made the rules

GENIE: …dammit

What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas, is a crock of shit. If you get pregnant, pick up an STD, or contract covid, that shit will follow you everywhere.

Now responding to all “hello”
DMs with “Adele?”

Mom (on phone): your uncle had a heart attack. he was playing tag with his grandkids

Me: oh no

Mom: it was a little touch and go for a while

Me: are you seriously explaining tag to me right now

[Australia]
Husband: If you need me I’ll be out back.
Wife: Yeah that’s not very specific.

The recommended age to have a Ouija Board is 8+ years old.

So, you need to be 21 years old to drink alcohol and 8 to summon the devil.

I ordered side dishes from Cracker Barrel to take to my mom’s for Thanksgiving and when I asked if they would be hot at pick-up the lady said, “Are you taking to someone’s house? Bc it’s going to say Cracker Barrel on the pan so bring dishes.”

Good God that’s customer service.

🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎶EVERYBODY DANCE NOW🎶

Me: …so anyway, the doctor said I might be lactose intolerant

Mom: *hysterical crying*

Dad: you’re a disgrace to the State of Wisconsin. Don’t come home for Thanksgiving. *slams down phone*

What idiot called it hoarding, and not Stock Home Syndrome?

💻🤡

A lady was spanking her kid for being a total brat in the grocery store so I had to step in and ask her if she needed me to hold her purse.

Good for you when one door closes & another door opens. For the rest of us that usually means we’re in jail.

*tries to turn on TV*

TV: I have a boyfriend

I forgot that Tesco opens later on a Sunday and now I’m queuing outside like they’ve released a new tomato or something.

Sorry, baby. My phone number is older than you.

[on a deserted island, receives message in a bottle]
“We’ve been trying to reach you regarding your car’s expired warranty”

When my 4 year old asked where babies come from my toddler immediately responded, “mail man.” Now I feel like I owe my husband a phone call and we need to cut back on our online shopping.