Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Someone: how are you?

Me: thanks, you too.

I’m pretty like a car crash.

My husband washed my favorite sweatshirt (he’s so sweet) and I said please don’t put it in the dryer, it will shrink.

Husband, taking clothes out of the dryer an hour later, “Here’s your favorite sweatshirt I washed for you! It looks smaller though, weird.”

Today I quit drinking wine for good.

Now I only drink for evil.

okay, let’s get the lizard council meeting underw—wait, has anybody seen dan?

*room chuckles*

*chameleon in the back* oh go to hell keith

Replying to peoples selfies with the phone number to a dermatologist is not OK.

I’ll stop now.

[describing criminal to sketch artist]
No, he could speak more languages than that. He had racist shoulders. His front teeth were impatient.

Him: Hey, we haven’t spoken in months!

Me *grabs his face* and now you’ve ruined it

My neck, my back, my…

Man “addicted to brake fluid” claims he can stop any time he wants.

I’m exceptionally skilled at accomplishing absolutely nothing while screwing something up, therefore accomplishing less than zilch.

Happy Friday the 13th! Slay the holidays 🛷🎄

Adding “Noted muralist” to Wile E. Coyote’s Wikipedia page.

If we just refer to ISIS as “Nickelback” maybe nobody will want to join them

I never over sleep in the mornings

I set an alarm, a back up alarm, and a 4yo once those fail

Me: Hope it’s ok if I sleep in the nude

Guy next to me on the plane: WTF dude?

I’m pretty sure Mark Zuckerberg googled “what do humans enjoy?” and the first result was “Sweet Baby Ray’s” and he just stopped reading after that

Her: Do we have any chicken stock?

Me: I’m not sure what that has to do with soup, but I’ll call my broker on Monday.

Realtor: I’m sorry but you need to drop your asking price.

Aquaman: absolutely not, it’s oceanfront property.

Realtor: again it’s ocean bottom NOT oceanfront.

Aquaman: but-

Realtor: come on man, four people drowned at the open house.

No one ever talks about what a flex it is when Yoda just gets tired of answering all of Luke’s questions and dies

hey there, delilah. what’s it like in new york city? i’m not personally attracted to you, i just have a general interest in cities

Took my daughter and her best friend to dinner and a show with endless snacks and sodas but we didn’t get ice cream afterwards so naturally this night will forever be known as “that night you didn’t get us ice cream.”

Welcome to Twitter: it’s high school except we all have gray hair.

I was wondering how they got the sign to just float in midair like that. Now it makes sense.

Kraken: “I like to renew my tenancy.”

Landlord: “Re-lease the Kraken!”

#KrakenDay #RubbishDay

I accidentally wore a beetle inside. Neither party was happy about this.

As kids we used to chant “my mother and your mother were hanging up clothes, my mother punched your mother right in the nose” and apparently just accepted that moms were prone to sudden, random violence

My dad likes to come to my office & tell the receptionist he’s my parole officer in case you were wondering how I turned out like this.

“I’m light-headed. I just need to eat.”

-my excuse for everything

you’re damn right i have