Coworker: Oh wow are you sick?
Me: No, Greg, I’m just ugly.
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I finally mustard up the confidence to pepper you with condiments. I’ve been relishing the thought of a romantic ketchup. I mayo be out of line, but I don’t want to live with vinaigrettes. Tartar for now, honey! XO
Justin Bieber songs are much more enjoyable when you replace the word “girl” with “gerbil”.
What does it mean when your therapist throws up into the trash can, not once, but twice during your session?
ME: My favorite was always Raphael, but I liked Donatello a lot too
DATE: Aww so you were a big fan as a kid?
ME *pulling my credit card from my Ninja Turtles wallet*: Hmm?
Her: Let’s play doctor.
Me: Ok. That’ll be $500.
Been trying to get cash from my local ATM for a week but it keeps saying “insufficient funds.” You’d think they’d have refilled it by now.
no my tattoos do not have any meaning i am simply a child putting permanent stickers all over myself<3 stop asking pls
As sorry as I feel for the man, I think the real victim was the guy who had to count the bees
*trying a new meal*
Wife: how do you like it?
Son: *hesitating* my water’s pretty good
Date: Before you I had Brazilian boyfriends
Me: That’s not even a real number
Emails from your boss assigning you work do not qualify as cyber bullying.
I checked.
The best-selling postcard of all time depicted a man and a woman under a tree. The man, reading a book, says ‘Do you like Kipling?’ and the woman responds: ‘I don’t know, you naughty boy. I’ve never kippled’. It sold 6 million copies
my astrological sign is a french fry
[approaches parent with child on a leash]
“Mind if I pet your dog?”
Hey that’s my son!
“Oh my bad. Mind if I pet your son?”
My dentist told me to relax, then got all judgey about me uncorking my wine in his office. He needs to make up his mind.
Even Forrest Gump got laid.
This is bullshit.
yall pray for me, nothing’s wrong im just in college
Him: Are you eating cake for breakfast again?
Me: [mouth full] It’s got eggs in it.
i am not “quiet quitting” i am suffering from third-degree burnout
Thanksgiving and Christmas should be six months apart. Absurd to see those people again so soon. Insane.
The hardest part of working out at home is seeing how much dust there is under my furniture.
I hate how commercialized Amazon Prime Day has become.
Today I learned that you never bring a ‘I did the dishes’ to a ‘you never pick things up’ fight
Taking a break from my mental health to focus on Twitter
Cute neighbor mows her lawn almost naked, so I sneak over there at night and sprinkle Miracle-Gro all over her yard.. costly but so worth it
The chicken coup is unlocked!
“Don’t you mean the chicken coop?”
*Watches chickens carrying machine guns overthrow the farm*
No, Snowball
My 12-year-old daughter has been watching Hallmark movies all day and eyeing me with increasing disdain
WIFE:Did you get the spaghetti?
ME:Better.
WIFE:Better?
ME:Look at this crazy, wild spaghetti I found outside! *hands just full of snakes*
After a long day at work I sat on the sofa in front of the TV.
Sensing I was stressed, my 7 year old sat next to me, smiled, and held my hand.
It’s nice and everything but it was my phone-holding hand.