Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When a guy on a date says “how are you still single” apparently you’re not supposed to tell him

Sign of the day..

I eat something every 29 minutes just to ensure no one can ever make me go swimming.

If I knew I was going to have to homeschool my kids, I would have made sure my husband used a condom.

love is out there. so are bigfoot and the loch ness monster

I had a dream that IKEA offered a ride sharing service and nobody could figure out how to get out of the car.

100,000 Americans signed a petition to have Justin Bieber deported back to Canada.

8 million Canadians signed a petition to prevent this.

Welcome to your 40’s. You’ll be mad if a neighbor doesn’t mow their lawn.

Crazy how my 3-year-old can expertly maneuver the Android operating system but can’t put on a flip flop.

Seductively sings in Klingon.

My husband is going out of town for a week and I have some hot plans to get intimate with my *lover

*air fryer

My husband woke me up in the middle of the night, no, NOT for sex, but to ask me if I have any “dank memes”.
You don’t even wanna know how I beyond annoyed I am today.

My mother had a cure for slouching. I still flinch when there’s movement in my periphery, but I’ve got posture like a Marine.

Interviewer: How do you respond to criticism?

Me: Violently.

Interviewer:

Me:

Interviewer: No further questions.

if I was a witch I’d put really petty spells on people who annoyed me like their bath water will never be quite hot enough, enjoy your slightly mediocre relaxation NOW, Jennifer

Celebrities, they’re just like us, except they drink wine and insult each other from their private island

A long holiday weekend is great until you realize the kids have a long holiday weekend, too.

Me: I bought an elephant.
Wife: how much did it cost?
Me: I don’t rem-
Elephant: $32,872.
Wife:
Me:
Elephant: I have an excellent memory.
Me: but he was on sale!
Wife: were you?
Elephant: no.

I’ve never been to a tailgate party, but I once hung out with my grandma and her friends in the bingo parking lot for 30 minutes.

FIRED? But I just started! How could I have known we don’t do casual Fridays here? Fine. Direct your own goddamn funeral. *flip-flops away*

It’s mom law if your kid orders something delicious you have to taste it to make sure it’s not poisoned.

I’m a leader, not a follower… Unless it’s into a dark place, then screw that, you’re going first.

My kids refused to eat the leftover tacos.

My wife said to throw them out.
So I did.

Now I don’t know what to do with the tacos….

Pho tastes great for a food that sounds like it just gave up.

Someone tweeted today that they were “29-ish” and I didn’t know you could “ish” 15 years.

Lingerie.

…or as I like to call it… fancy pants!

My boss said I have a lot of emotional intelligence which I think is his way of saying, “we’re worried about your actual intelligence”

“Whats the deal with all this airline food?”

-Sharks in Malaysia