Coworker: Pass your random drug test?
Me: With flying colors!
CW: Really?
Me. So many colors!
CW: You’re high right now aren’t you?
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take that, baby!!! he knows what he did.
Me: I’ve got a preposition for you…
English teacher: I’m listening
Smears cigarette ashes on forehead so I can show up late for work.
I dunno why but this feels like a trap
Netflix has the AUDACITY to ask me if I’m still watching when it knows I left the remote on the dining room table and have NO intention of getting up. Smh
Daddy can u get me a drink?
“No, you’re 5yo you can get your own drink”
Fine *goes to fridge
“While you’re there can you grab me a beer?”
This Christmas, get her the gift that’ll last a lifetime. Give her a tortoise.
“Are you the one who multiplies fishes?”
Me: Please be quiet. I’m trying to hear this show.
3-year-old: OK
*breaks into song*
*turns on every talking toy*
*detonates fireworks*
A Mexican stand-off, but it’s 3 Canadians each trying to pay the bill and they all have to pee
Friend: Sorry I’ve been so busy! I got my master’s in genetic engineering, singlehandedly solved a murder, invented time travel, discovered a new Pi number, climbed Mt. Everest and taught myself to read Sumerian. What have you been up to???
Me: I’ve been super into cereal lately
My 2yo put her lamp in a different room because it “needs a vacation.”
You know what really boils my piss? The pissboiler2000 from JML.
The prophecy is fulfilled
Yup!
An app told me I had a notification and the notification was that there were no new notifications, so we’re all dealing with a lot rn
The easiest way to burn fat is cremation.
Everyone’s a gangster until you have to chase a plastic bag that the wind took.
[first date]
Me: why isn’t a boy ant called an uncle
Date: why isn’t a girl praying mantis called a praying womantis
*we do it right there*
My 17 year old son made his bed this morning so I texted him to make sure he was ok and not on drugs or something because as a parent you’re supposed to watch out for sudden, unusual behavior in your teens.
Cat 1: hey let’s have a big fight and trash this place
Cat 2: ok, but let’s wait till the human is in a deep sleep for maximum effect
Cat 1: smart. imma barf between the couch cushions while he’s brushing his teeth tho
worst online experience has gotta be finding a reddit post that outlines your exact symptoms and every comment is like “you should go to the hospital” and someone says “any update OP?” but the OP hasnt posted in 5 years
OLD MAN: I fought in WWII
ME: Oh yeah? What was your kill:death ratio
OLD MAN: what
ME: Can you rocket jump?
OLD MAN: I wish Hitler had won
[a Swarm of Bees requests to be your friend] um ok
[a Swarm of Bees has invited you to event “Come Outside”] what tha
Editor’s note: sorry about ‘snowboard’ typo, should be ‘snowboarder’ found dead
Cool Ranch Doritos are just like regular ranch Doritos except every chip wears a little pair of aviators.
You can’t break me, kid. My generation survived dial-up AOL and texting on a flip phone.
People: Let us know if you need help!
Me: Okay I need help
People:
He was a skater boy, half shark/alligator boy
-Dr. Octavril Lavigne