Coworker: Pass your random drug test?
Me: With flying colors!
CW: Really?
Me. So many colors!
CW: You’re high right now aren’t you?
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me: I hate when the bank is crowded like this
[outside]
getaway driver: is he in line
You take the garbage out and forget to put a new liner in the kitchen trash can and your family throws garbage in anyway because team work.
A good way to make friends is to crawl under the bathroom stall quickly before they can get away
100% of all marriages end with an ‘s’
HER: What’s your cell plan?
ME: Bodily decay over decades until inevitable mortal collapse. You?
HER: …
ME: …
HER: … V-Verizon.
I’ve been up for 20 hours. There’s no way I could perform surgery right now. Mainly, because I have no medical training.
Boss: You were napping
Me: No I wasn’t
Boss: You drew eyes on Post-it notes & stuck them to your face
Me: Liar! *draws on angry eyebrows*
WIFE: Do something productive today
ME: I will
[later]
WIFE: What the-?
[dog zooms by in the car]
ME: I taught him how to drive, Karen
[blind date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a customer service representative.
Me: Cool. Our date is important to me. Please hold. I’ll be back in an hour.
I enjoy quaint, old-fashioned customs like being nice to people.
Looking for family dinner suggestions. Last night we had: No! No! No! And Yuck!
I showed my students that I can say my ABCs backwards and a student shouted “SHE’S A WITCH!” and then I unzipped my jacket and revealed my Hocus Pocus shirt and they all screamed and the universe has never aligned like this for me
🤣🤣🤣
Sorry, the dog stood on my keyboard and liked that Instagram photo of you from 47 weeks ago.
Welcome to your 40s: time to go slap mulch bags at home depot.
Why do they make it so hard to dig the candy out of trail mix?
A plus of getting older is not having to make as much small talk bc half the conversation is spent asking the other person to repeat what they just said
hot take but IMO the internet was better when it was just dorks and social outcasts. after they let hot people on here everyone got all weird
My neighbor accidentally called me “love” in a text looking for his cat and now we have more reason to never make eye contact again.
Before I had a kid I thought, god, I wish I could say “please put your shoes on” 17,000 times every morning.
My dreams have come true.
Whoever created lasagna was totally a stoner
I want noodles
Okay
Now sauce
Cool
Now cheese
Got it
Now noodles
You said that
Now cheese
WTF!
hot panini’s mom is pissed, you guys.
the process of buying a podcast mic in america needs to be made as or more difficult than buying a gun
Nobody:
Neighbors: THEYRE ASLEEP LETS SET OFF ALL THE FIREWORKS
Keep your friends zoned and your enemies zoneder
“LEEEEET’S GET READY TO TUUUUUUMBLE!!!”
-wet laundry
wife on facebook: homework with 9, he’s doing so well!
wife to me: it took him 8 tries to spell cake. CAKE. grab some wine on your way home
Like Grandma used to say, if it seems too good to be true buy as much of that shit as you can.
Grandma drank a lot. We miss her.
“WHAAAAATTT?” – The first almond to be milked
When I punish my future kids I wont just take their phone I’m gonna be them on social media & just comment “nice” on everyones old pool pics