Her: Kids! The moving van is here. Bring the boxes
Me: All vans are moving vans LOL
Her: And this is why we’re leaving
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Why aren’t marriage prevention hotlines a thing?
Married people upset because their TC’s “cheated” on them is the real matrix.
If you haven’t woken up from a nap covered in stickers, did you even fall asleep while watching cartoons with your preschooler.
George W Bush kept us safe just like how abstinence education kept Bristol Palin unpregnant.
Sometimes, I worship the devil, but only to disappoint my parents. I’m not really invested.
It’s not too spicy I just don’t think I like the flavor.
-Rival Dads when something is definitely too spicy for them.
Donald Trump is like the “Scream” movies in that he blurs the line between comedy and horror.
Why are we forcing a single payer military plan on everyone? There should be a basic military that covers you, and if you want to bomb another country on top of that, you pay for it yourself. It’s about choice
Listen son, you know how you find an awesome song & you listen to it over and over again until you hate it? Well, I’m leaving your mother.
ME: what came first the chicken or the egg
FRIEND [putting an ice pack on my head]: I’m not sure, people were throwing so many things at you
Teacher: you can be anything you want
Me: Beyonce
Her: well, not that
(we stare at each other blankly for 17 min…)
Me: Hi I’m Beyonce
OMG! How did you get all of those bruises?
Me: [flashback, crashing into dresser trying to zip skinny jeans] I slipped on the ice.
If you wish me a happy thanksgiving don’t be surprised if I whip out a ziplock bag and ask you to bring me home some leftovers.
I was the only one wearing a mask in the supermarket this morning, so I made everyone empty their pockets.
On the phone with my therapist and she is clearly going through the McDonalds drive through 😓
keep your circle small. bridesmaid’s dresses are expensive.
Does anybody know what the word ‘delegate’ means? (Asking for a friend)
sky writing doesn’t always have to be positive, come on people
On my way to Mordor
you nerds need anything?
For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.
I just don’t understand how moats ever went out of style.
My garden has produced some sick beets, some smashing pumpkins and some red hot chili peppers.
We go on tour in the fall.
Mom: here comes the plane!
Baby: *seinfeld voice* what’s the DEAL with airplane food!?
Zoom is really only for one thing: realizing our dream of staring at ourselves while talking to other people.
I wish they’d just come up with a smoke detector that stops beeping when I yell “alright!”.
“Enter passcode to use Touch ID” – then what is the point of you Touch ID that lives on my iPad? WHY ARE YOU SO SCARED?
Why did the skeleton go to the barbecue?
To get another rib.
If you want to catch a bus you have to *think* like a bus.
hey friend,
the list of things you texted me that you’d do for a Klondike bar has me concernedlet’s talk
Things I’ve Said On The Phone This Week
“Sorry. I’m heavy-breathing because I’m trying to stake a canopy”
“The shell of a turtle is basically the turtle’s rib cage. A turtle cannot be dragged out of its shell.”
“Please. Don’t ask questions. Just take some zucchini.”