COWORKER RECENTLY OUT OF THE HOSPITAL: i blew a tire on a mountain road and crashed thru the guardrail, rolling end over end down a cliff into a creek. i was trapped for hours upside-down & near death until a man walking his dog found me and called 911
ME: what kind of dog was it
American cheese is just regular cheese that’s not afraid to fight for freedom! Also, it’s fatter than the other cheeses. And more racist.
me: my pasta salad is cold
waiter: it’s meant to be
me: I think you’re cute too but let’s get this pasta problem figured out first
Oh man almost forgot the trash
*takes trash out, a nice little sushi place*
This is great
*sees wife there with the recycling*
WHAT THE HELL
“Would you just look at all this bullshit?!” – enthusiastic fertilizer suppliers
“I’m gonna call it a day.”
– God, naming things
A woman at my gym tonight told me my kids look just like me because they inherited my “small face.” Can somebody help me out, because I just really need to know if I should be offended.
Saying “have a nice day” to someone sounds friendly, but saying “enjoy your next 24 hours” sounds threatening.
When we go back to in-person office meetings, I’m going to start out by soundlessly moving my lips until people yell at me, just for continuity.
Missionary so I can look him in the eyes and ask him why Ashley from work is texting him with heart eyes.
[email from Cheryl in HR] Stop calling it Januternity. You’re damaging staff morale.
My morning commute was hectic today. I tripped over a dog toy and almost spilled my coffee. I made it to the couch safely though.
At Dunkin Donuts-
8: Can I get choc. milk?
Me: We have that at home.
8: We have coffee at home too…
Me: WHO TAUGHT YOU LOGICAL THINKING?!
All I want is for someone to push me up against a wall
Lean in
And whisper ‘I’ll do your housework’
You know you drank too much last night when you have to use google maps to locate yourself the next morning.
Anyone who says time flies, has obviously never been on a treadmill.
School winter break
Dec 22, 2021 –
There are approximately zero ways to chase paper in the wind without looking like the village idiot
Hostage: *screaming*
Mafia boss: hurry up and tape his mouth!
Me: *still trying to find the end of the tape on the roll*
I am at my most pretend homemaker when I have a repair person in the house. Who me? Oh I’m just gonna sit here and handsew the trim back on this pillow and when I’m finished with that I’m going to sort my dried flowers for two hours.
So Jamie and Cersei could have lived if they moved a little to the left?
Someday, maybe a year or a decade from now, we’ll look back on this day and think, “Crap I completely forgot to pick up my kid from daycare.”
My favorite question is “are you a real person?” and the answer is no. I’m a sewer rat who discovered an old iphone and is now using it for nefarious purposes. Hope that settles that.
At an Italian restaurant for dinner with my 5 yo. She got visibly annoyed that the parmesan cheese wasn’t coming out of the shaker fast enough, unscrewed the cap and dumped a mound on her plate. And just like that she already embodies the spirit of women getting sh*t done.
My cat was bitten by a squirrel and I have to suck the rabies out before she slips into a double cheese burger.
–how I cancel dates
I used to be happily married…but then we went furniture shopping together.
I guess when I thought that I would catch up on tv shows while recovering from surgery I forgot that my kids still live here
If you don’t count the six chocolate chip cookies or the two dead bodies, my diet’s going pretty well today.
Boss: I need you to work late.
Me: [sprays her with Pepsi]
B: You’re fired.
Me: So I don’t have to work late?
B: No.
Me: [winks at camera]
read this from top to bottom to discover just how much movement your eyebrows are capable of
Tried on a pair of skinny jeans and I looked like a full cereal bag that you’re trying to force back inside the box.
