COWORKER RECENTLY OUT OF THE HOSPITAL: i blew a tire on a mountain road and crashed thru the guardrail, rolling end over end down a cliff into a creek. i was trapped for hours upside-down & near death until a man walking his dog found me and called 911
ME: what kind of dog was it
M: Why are the crazies called insane instead of unsane?
Prosecutor: Number 3 is excused from jury duty.
M: *mumbles* works every time
Just ate a whole dictionary. It was alphabet soup, but I figure all the words were in there.
if you’re a shakespeare character your chances of getting mauled by a bear while a clown watches are low but never zero
Fun fact: a baby tortoise is called a tortellini.
I’m at the age I need all the beauty sleep I can get. So naturally I’m not able to sleep.
Dating profiles should make you share a sound bite of you sneezing.
My dad is in Hawaii for travel…
If you see my wife at the store, tell her to put some of that stuff back.
Assert your dominance by putting a few decorative pillows in your husband’s truck.
archeologist 1: with the rosetta stone we can finally translate hieroglyphics!
archeologist 2: nice! what does this bird symbol mean?
archaeologist 1: looks like they’re saying…bird
archaeologist 2: hm ok.. and the cat symbol?
archaeologist 1: …you’re not gonna believe this
Boss: did I hear you call me a twat?
Me: recently?
*shipwrecked diary*
Day 1: alone, doing well. Mentally sound. Met a crab
Day 2: I have married the crab.
Day 3: I have eaten my wife.
*standing next to a wheelbarrow full of BBQ sauce*
Look, no one is arguing that the zoo fire isn’t a horrible tragedy.
Food gives you energy to nap more.
Just got your text from last night: you need to cut the red wire first to stop the countdown.
My cat: Meow
Me: Come here.
My cat: MEOW!
Me: You can’t complain about lack of attention AND not come here. Pick a struggle and stick to it.
Mood: the first half of a paper towel commercial when the mom is ready to light her family on fire
[concert venue]
Manager: Start the fog machine!
Me: *gulps* Fog?
*hundreds of frogs start falling on crowd
*uses your voodoo doll as a tampon*
What happens in the elevator stays in the elevator.
No matter how spicy your sex life is …
If he’s a two-thymer; cumin in that
ginger Rosemary, my sage advice …would bay to leaf him.
what idiot named them “in-flight movies” instead of “Jetflix”
Detective: Did your husband have any enemies, ma’am?
Wife: Well, the cat next door never really liked Jim, and that always seemed a bit odd.
Only short people can save us
[at the bank] hi I would like to deposit these tacos. oh and *drops a fistful of hot sauce packets on the counter* these too, thanks
A Tinder style app that helps parents find other parents to drink with
bartender: the usual?
me: you know it
bartender: [throws me thru window]
When I see a door with the sign ‘Door Alarmed’ I always tell the door “don’t worry, it’s only me”
~ It’s all about the empathy.
[kung fu fight]
“Your tiger claw is no match for my crane.”
*starts lifting heavy building materials*
