Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

People who walk while looking at their phones and expect me to get out of the way… LOL.

Tinder, but it’s an app that you and your wife have for local restaurants, when you both swipe on a match, that’s were you go for dinner.

Email from the PTA tells me if I don’t join, I “will not be allowed inside the school to assist with the children’s class parties” & it’s like whoa whoa whoa threaten me harder.

This morning my husband crooned “How’s my beautiful girl today” and I was feeling pretty damn good until I realized he was talking to the dog.

What I say: Sorry baby, they were out of bubblegum flavored medicine…Grape, will have to do.

What my child hears: I don’t love you, never have…Now drink your poison.

Wife is angry because “somebody” dripped grape jelly onto the dog’s head.

It feels very accusatory.

[First day working in a warehouse]

ME: What’s that machine for?

“Oh, that’s the forklift”

ME: OH MY GOD HOW HEAVY ARE YOUR FORKS??

I’m good, thanks.

might quit my job to focus on actually putting away my laundry

There are only 2 Canadian things I don’t like:
1) Celine Dion
2) Canadian geese

Guess which one is chasing me everytime I go outside.

[behind a customer in line at a coffee shop who is taking forever to decide what to order]
me: hey.

them: yeah?

me: try the coffee.

High Schools: Make sure your student gets plenty of sleep

Also High Schools: Bus comes at sunrise

If you want to hide something from me, put it in the fridge. there are several things there celebrating birthday

doctor: your wife’s gone into labor
husband: oh no, I hate unions

If you click with someone, be their friend. If they prove they’re not worthy of your friendship, bury the body & start again.

[courtroom]

me: [under my breath] ᴵ ᵈᵒⁿ’ᵗ ᵈᵉˢᵉʳᵛᵉ ʲᵃⁱˡ ᵗⁱᵐᵉ

judge: pardon?

me: omg thank you

Animal testing is pointless. We already know they’re animals.

the cvs cashier asked me how im doing as i put some diarrhea medicine on the counter. “not great man ive got diarrhea” i told him

Me: your snowman can look however you like sweetheart

2: *sticks arms in snowman’s head*

Me: not like that

It’s as if the guy in the next stall doesn’t realize this is a competition

Stop staring at my chest! Geez dude, it’s like you’ve never seen toilet paper before!

Who needs human contact when you can just cuddle a pile of clothes fresh out of the dryer

Me at 22: you can find me in da club 🎶

Me at 42: you can find me in da tub 🛁

over-40 lifehack: if you go every 6 months instead of annually, they only give you a semicolonoscopy

Hubs: *under breath* No, no, please noooo…

Me: *about to say “he’s right here” and hand him the phone*

If you can’t pay off your reverse mortgage, does your house have to give you to the bank?

Diarrhea. Having it. Spelling it.
Everything about it is shit.

My daughter was pretty pissed that someone called the cops, ending her party.

Whatever, I needed some sleep.

#ThingsThatAnnoyMe people who do this at school and I’m just like..