Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*peeing*

I should get outta bed now, I guess.

You know that you’re officially lost when you turn down the car radio and take off your sunglasses.

Trojan: Pricier than some other brands, yet still cheaper than Enfamil, Gerber, Pampers, Graco, Fisher-Price, Playskool, Lego, Melissa & Do-

RELATIONSHIPS: Because sometimes destroying your life is a two person job

[On my death bed]

My son: Before you go, could you make me pancakes?

Shirts that say SWAG and YOLO for sale at Walmart. Because dressing like an idiot should be affordable.

A friend of my wife’s who lives in maine put their child in this preschool where the kids help make lunch and then before their naps they get their feet soaked in warm water and wtf do I have to do to get into this preschool?

Pigeon open mic night.

ME AT HOME: I’ll eat a whole pizza & a tub of ice cream for dinner

ME ON A DATE: *just chewing on tree bark* this is all I need to survive

Horse Trainer: OK, so THIS is a very rare breed of unicorn.

Her: He’s kind of uncomfortable to ride.

Horse Trainer: Well, if you sat on its back….

Some Very British Problems with that tedious consequence of moving house: unpacking.

Me: WHAT DO WE WANT?!
Funeral attendees:
Me (whispering): Grandma back.

What idiot called them ‘religious pamphlets’ and not ‘belieflets’?

I have no milkshakes. No one comes to my yard. The grass looks fantastic.

I’m over here watching #Dateline alone, with all the doors unlocked, lighting up the room.

[Deli]

Me: can I get a children’s sub

Employee: sure thi-

Elon Musk: move over I got this

I always get suspicious when I don’t see dishes in the sink like, wait, did I remember to feed the children?

I only have eyes for you. I got them from the morgue. I’ll probably get arrested.

“Update your Adobe or you’ll be sleeping with the fishes”

– Flash mob

wife: Did you leave a good tip?
[flashback to me writing “Always look both ways before pulling out into traffic” on the check]
me: Yep

I tried to convince some McDonald’s workers to do the Harlem Shake but they said the machine was broken

Good things come to those who don’t make mommy lose her shit.

I have neither the patience nor the crayons to show you why this is a bad idea.

My HOA says no parking on the street, so I flex on them by parallel parking at the end of my driveway.

I was in the first Top Gun movie.

I was the Marine actually working out in the background while the Navy took time off to play little volleyball games.

I found a spider in my shoes. He looks ridiculous, they’re way too big for him.

My house looks amazing from the outside…as for the inside, its nothing that a decent fire wouldn’t fix

Can confirm.

Magazines are for your self esteem.

-New Yorker: You’re so uncultured.
-Cosmo: Your body is garbage.
-Forbes: Hey there, peasant.

Depression ads overestimate my need to hike.