coworker relationships are crazy because we don’t hangout or talk outside of work, but i know you tried to poison your husband once
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My son made us all hide then jump out and yell ‘surprise!’ for his birthday. If you guys aren’t planning the same for my birthday on Tuesday, it’s gonna sting
boss: you’re late
me: I broke down on the way here
boss: did they tow your car?
me: car?
In case you don’t believe there’s any way your kid’s stories could be longer, my 12 y/o just told me a story about a YouTube video, with the hiccups.
Of all the things we should be thankful for at this time of year, not being a turkey is probably the main one.
{at sports arena}
*kiss cam pans to me just as I take a huge bite of a hotdog
Me: *panics and seductively licks mustard off my lips.
I always ask Subway workers if THEY want double meat, then wink.
Then I get kicked out.
I’d hire this kid in 10 years.
Don’t worry. Your secret is safe with me, I won’t say a word about your “wenital werpes” *winks*
Date: Do you want to go upstairs?
Me: Sure.
Date: Do you have any protection?
Me: Who’s up there?
Neo is 57-years-old he’s definitely taking the blue pills.
I am interested in:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 making peace with the terror of being alive
If I’d married a wealthier man, I’d be lying on a fancier couch refusing to clean bigger rooms.
Really wish my phone wouldn’t autocorrect my old timey piano slang. Had to explain to my mom that I didn’t spend all morning “tickling the ovaries”.
quick how do i lose 15lbs in a month without changing a single thing
How do I rate our solar system?
One star
[throws a dart at map of the world]
One day, I’m gonna go over there & pull that dart out. The next time I wanna play darts, probably.
[family meeting]
Wife: Ok, so one of you have been loading the dishwasher wrong
Me: Shouldn’t we wait for the kids to join us?
Wife: Nah, we can start
me: do you want to play some ps4?
frenchman: oui
me: no we only have the playstation
The “we’re going to need a bigger boat” scene from Jaws but just me looking at the shopping carts at the liquor store.
Black Friday at the LEGO store, people were lined up for blocks
“It’s not debauchery it’s Digiorno!”
Me drunk about to eat a frozen pizza
First date: *puts entire onion ring in mouth* If yo’lik et ven yo’shoulla puh a wring owh it.
The government be like “please throw your grandma into an active volcano, the economy demands a sacrifice”
My daughter asked me for money on a FaceTime call and I pretended like the screen froze up and she tells me, “Mother, the ceiling fan is still moving.”
The student has surpassed the master
I wish I was a bear, I’d be playing with my bear friends in the woods, not stuck in an elevator with these idiots. Am I talking out loud?
Protip: Never ask an accountant “What have I got to lose?”
Today is a new day. Be thankful. Do something nice for yourself. Call someone you haven’t spoken to in a while. Run with a pair of scissors
Once I started pronouncing baseline like Vaseline things just really fell into place for me.
My husband and I are looking for someone to play the harmonica while we have sex, no weirdos please.
Them: Alcohol is not a healthy coping mechanism.
Me: Okay but when I tried to keep a therapist in the cupboard above the fridge I got in trouble so…