Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My 17-year-old bought us dinner and now he’s making brownies and we’re about to watch a movie together.

I don’t even care what crime he committed to inspire this good behavior, I just hope they don’t catch him anytime soon.

A close talker, a loud talker, and a cougher walked into an elevator to punish me for not hitting the close door button fast enough.

The dental hygienist told me I have nice gums today and giggled, then she told me she was happily married. So I don’t really know what to believe

5-year-old: Dad, can you make the rain go away?

Me: Someone more powerful than me controls the weather.

5-year-old:

Me:

5-year-old: Mom?

My dancing style can best be described as “Guy On Maury Who Just Found Out He Isn’t The Father.”

Would an Egyptian doctor who specializes in the spine be called a Cairopractor?

He really should be.

Guy next to me is doing a crossword puzzle, so I’m about to start dropping some big words in case he wants to ask me for help

I’ve never gone cow tipping. Milk is expensive enough without adding 15%, and the cow would probably just eat the money anyway.

I hope when I inevitably choke to death on gummy bears people just say I was killed by bears and leave it at that.

“Oh look, rain! Wait, how do I drive again?” – People

God: you’re a roly poly bug.

Roly Poly: what does that mean?

God: you roll up in a ball and kind of poly around.

Roly Poly: I’m sorry what?

God: you roll up in a ball [grabs knees and curls up in a ball].

Roly Poly:

God: [rolls around on the floor] and poly around.

When people ask, “Don’t I know you from somewhere?”, I reply “Yes, we were best friends as children until you murdered my puppy.”

Well, don’t ever let your pc feel that you’re in a hurry cos they’re gonna slow down more 😩

Here’s a little song I wrote about being old in the summer it’s called “Sunburn on My Bald Spot” and a one and a two

So I’m Calling random stores & saying “Hey It’s Michael, Screw you guys, I quit!”…. There’s got to be a Michael at one of these places…

It’s the “roaring 20s” again so I’m going to take inspiration from the Great Gatsby and continue to not have read any books since high school

interviewer: what are your strengths

me: when i was little i drew a picture of a beer so good my mom put it in the refrigerator and an hour later she tried to drink it

interviewer: what about weaknesses

me: my mom’s a mess

It’s March tomorrow. February lasted 17 seconds. Christmas soon. Knew I shouldn’t have put the tree away.

You’re so vain. You probably think me being in this tree outside your house is about you.

Before you have kids, ask yourself: how patient am I with really stupid people?

If your coffee smells of sausages, there’s a fair chance you’ve accidentally made yourself a cup of sausages.

Time for evil

Christmas combines two things I love the most, getting fat and lying to children.

I don’t understand why you guys complain about never being able to finish a tube of chapstick, it usually only takes me 2 or 3 bites.

Scavenger Hunt Party

Give your guests a list of all the things you can’t find and set them loose in your home.

“Shut up or I’ll eat your lunch.” Bad fight script writing or okay parenting? You decide.

Teacher: We’re going to need you to work with your daughter on humility.

Me: I was never good with weather stuff but I’ll give it a shot.

We got our carpet cleaned today, so I’m just waiting for the dog to throw up

Me: Okay, give it to me straight. Why doesn’t my food blog get any subscribers?

Food Blog Mentor: Well, you might want to stop posting recipes that end with “food should look like it’s been chewed up and spit out”.