Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My “I’m enraged!” status update on Facebook garnered a lot of congratulations from people who don’t read well.

“Daddy will u tuck me in?:)”
“Ok”
*tucks him in*
“Daddy sing me a song:)”
“Ok”
*clears throat*
LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR LET THE BODIES H

No

one

yums like Gaston

Eats iced plums like Gaston

Knows you saved them but craves them, succumbs like Gaston

Fifth Third Bank? I don’t think you understand how to number things, which is something I generally look for in a bank.

My son turned 8 yesterday. I’m killin’ it at this parenting thing.

I have questions??

ME: lately I feel lonely. like I’ve become untethered from the world

WOLF WHO IS WEARING MY FRIEND’S FACE AS A MASK: *understanding growl*

How many of these sleep podcasts started as just regular podcasts before the host came to the harsh realization that their show was dull so they pivoted

Why do people say I’m washing my hands ?
Hands literally wash each other without any help 🤔🧐

Them: Your children will go from toddler to college grad in the blink of an eye.

Me: *stops blinking entirely to avoid paying for their college*

superman villains:

darkseid – galactic conqueror
doomsday – indestructible killing machine

batman villains:

the joker – tells little jokes
the riddler – poses little riddles
the penguin – is a penguin

Me: [walking through front door]

4: Is it storming outside?

Me: Yeah it is buddy.

4: Did you get hit by lighting?

Me: Nope I’m all safe-

4: Why not?

America: You drive for four hours. You are still in the same part of the country.

UK: You drive for two hours. The local accent has changed twice. Bread rolls have a new name.

Here, take my hand. Now slap yourself with it.

Newton taught us that a body at rest will remain at rest, a body in motion will remain in motion, and that figs taste good in cookies

My dad is watching American Pie and the sex scenes are somehow more uncomfortable at 36 than they were as a teen

7: is it tomorrow yet?
Me: nope, it’s still today.
7: aww

My oldest kid, watching Shrek again, but now being old enough to understand more of the jokes…

The best sick burn I ever dispensed was when I showed up to eat on a patio with a group and I had an umbrella and a girl said “don’t be such a pessimist!” and I responded “I’m not a pessimist, I just know how to read a weather report” and then stared at her.

BREAKING: The BBC declares war on Italy

My husband brought home a 55 gallon drum from work and I’ve never felt more insulted. I could fit in smaller.

Santa hasn’t brought any presents since I moved out of my parents’ house. What a dick.

oh you like architecture? name three walls

I was looking into party ideas for my twins 6th birthday and came across someone who does slime & glitter parties so I reported them to the police

*Hands you a handbasket*

You know what to do…….

ME: [sitting in kitchen writing out bills]

SON: I lost a tooth. I’m gonna leave it under my pillow tonight.

ME: I’d wait until next week.

My 19 y.o. watched a show where a romance ended badly.

In a distressed voice, she asked: “WHY can’t we just have a HAPPY ENDING?”

I involuntarily muttered under my breath: “Because we don’t have the money to pay the masseuse.”

19 y.o.: “What?”

Me: “I didn’t say anything.”

I knife through the icy water like a shark. The spectators gasp in awe. Mall security struggles to drag me fully-clothed from the fountain.

As a dad, you’re required to ask your neighbor “You gonna do mine next?” when you see them raking leaves.