My neighbor with a toddler is over here telling me what life is like with one kid like I got my children in a 3-pack.
Coworker said ‘nice pink shirt, when did you come out?’ I said ‘IT’S NOT PINK IT’S SALMON!’. Then I snapped my fingers and skipped away.
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[1st day at work]
BOSS: Erm..we..have No Smoking rules here
ME: That’s great Alan [blows out smoke] most places have loads of smoking rules
The word “brewery” sounds like a drunk guy slurring a better word
“I have a hard time with faces. One time I mistook a wolf for my dead grandmother LOL!”
– Little Red Riding Hood, talking to a coat rack.
Well maybe don’t invite me over if I can’t rearrange your furniture.
I’ll take a low-fat, mocha, chai, organic-soy-milk latte, with a shot of French vanilla, sprinkled with unicorn soul, please.
Bit chilly again tonight.
Her: Ask me something you really want to know about me…
Me: Ever had the urge to water balloon fight someone until death?
Me: I picked out a pricy rock I think you’ll like
Her: You mean you’re finally going to propose to me?
M: I was talking about your headstone
me: *turns around in swivel chair*
I guess you never expected to see ME again…
Boss: Must we do this every Monday?