Coworker said ‘nice pink shirt, when did you come out?’ I said ‘IT’S NOT PINK IT’S SALMON!’. Then I snapped my fingers and skipped away.
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I wish there were glasses to protect me from all your blurry eclipse pics.
I texted my girlfriend “goodnight, love you” but accidentally sent it to my boss. Now Its awkward, cause he holds my hand during meetings.
Therapist: Okay, let’s go over this one more time
Me: This really isn’t helping with my fear of bridges
“And the award for best empty chasm goes to…Howling Void!”
HOWLING VOID: [howling]
Mother Goose: I need some ideas for my nursery rhymes.
Me: a young boy and girl fall down a hill and the boy suffers a head injury.
Mother Goose: what? these are for children
Me:
Mother Goose:
Me: an egg falls off a wall and dies.
God: you can breathe underwater!
Fish: nice.
God: also eat and drink underwater.
Fish: so where do I go to the bathroom?
God:
Fish: just on the land or something?
All cats can totally do taxes, they just won’t.
Twitter is like swimming in the ocean. Sometimes, it a beautiful sight. Occasionally, you find others like you. And you have no idea how many times you’ve passed a shark.
Me: Good night.
Brain: Night.
Brain: But if dog bacon existed would you eat it?
My phone should just know if the passcode is entered incorrectly the first 3 times then it’s definitely me.
How dare you look down on me, judging me with your judgy eyes and your judgy attitude and…
Attorney: my client means, “not guilty”
Yes, lady who took two parking spaces. I’m the reason you can’t get in your car from the drivers side.
Have a nice day 🙂
Do you know what really makes me smile? Facial muscles.
my favorite part about fruit is when I run it under water for 3 seconds to convince myself it’s no longer covered in carcinogenic pesticides
My elderly uncle was proudly showing off his new “Screechers”, and my dudes, this is what I will call Skechers from now on
The computer beat me in chess so I’m downloading viruses
Boss: And this will be your desk. Make yourself at home
Me (pulling a rotisserie chicken from my purse & putting it on the desk): Thanks
I don’t know how he put it in from that angle, but I liked it.
-me watching hockey
It’s 2021. Why is this still a thing.
Sales of wood-chippers have gone way up as the quarantine has continued. That makes sense on farms, but most buyers are apartment dwellers.
My girl knows I’d never cheat on her because she would need to arrange it and remind me 37 times so I don’t forget
Wordle is trying to tell me something
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Why did they call them buddy cops and not palice?
‘We both know you need to pee:’
~the monster under my bed
We get ground beef from cows and sky beef from birds
*spelling bee*
Me: b-e-e
Judge 1: No, sir, wait until we tell-
Me: B-E-E
Judge 2: I mean, he’s not wrong
Nothing more humiliating than sending a text message with a picture and the picture doesn’t send for ages and now you’ve said something sooo odd out of context
Slugs keep eating my plants so I’ve moved them into the house. If we’re living together they might have second thoughts about eating my plants.
Things that made my toddler cry this week:
– I wouldn’t let the dog drive him to daycare
– the bath was “too wet”
– he wanted syrup for breakfast…just syrup
– his sister “keeps looking at him”
– he wants shoes like his friend Jacob (there is no Jacob)How about your kid?
7 year old: two of the boys at school were executed for fighting
me: you mean ‘expelled’?
7 year old: I’m pretty sure about this one, dad