Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Him: You’re pretty obnoxious. You know that?

Me: I’m sorry. All I heard was pretty.

ME: how can I make u proud?
MOM: reach for the stars
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: the closest star is 93 million miles away. You’ll never get there.

Him (five years ago): Do you have a work out routine?
Me: *still laughing

A game married people play.

Dating in your early 20’s:
Show me your abs and buy me beer.

Dating in your 40’s:
Show me your credit score, latest bloodwork, proof of vasectomy, divorce papers and medicine cabinet.

Me: I’ve been beset upon by a horrible malaise

My body: You’re hungry

Me: something has changed, inside I’m filled with naught but darkness

Body: eat literally any food

Me: will I ever know peace again?

waiter: is something wrong
me: what asshole serves quinoa with a burger
waiter: sir, don’t hate the plater…
me: oh no
waiter: hate the grain

taking a hotdog out of the microwave and checking it with a meat thermometer then frowning and putting it back in

Where would we be without behavioral economics to deliver us such scorching insights as “try to make an appealing profile” and “swipe right on guys you like.”

I thought my wife was joking when she said she wanted to go to a Monkees’ concert in Switzerland, then I saw her face, now I’m in Geneva.

I’m working on inventing an electronic Ouija board so that I can keep tweeting after I die.

I like to wait to board the plane so the person seated next to me thinks they’ll have extra space and then I come in right before the door closes and ruin their lives

Me: I won’t let anything control me!

My bladder: Lmao

I bet the other causes of death are jealous of the number one cause

My neighbor won’t understand why I hide in my car until she has kids.

dam girl

JUDGE: I order you to pay $10,000 – do you understand?

MARIO:

JUDGE: it’s a fine

MARIO [sadly]: no itsa not

applying for a new job

SON: Is it true trees kill more people than wild animals do?
[tree hiding in broom closet tenses up]
DAD: Nonsense.
[tree sighs in relief]

My wife: let me borrow your phone a sec …
Me: [cartwheels into a volcano]

Thank you cards only ever thank people for nice things they’ve actually done. This excludes people who don’t like doing things. We need cards that thank people for bad things they HAVEN’T done

Hundreds, nay thousands of movies about falling in love but only one movie about a beach that makes you old

If you haven’t tried blindfold archery you should give it a go, you don’t know what you’re missing.

I once read a book about an assassin that would identify at least 5 items in any room that he could use to kill everyone else in the room with him if need be.
When I enter a room I identify at least 5 places I could take a nap if I need to.

A Jurassic Park movie where nothing goes wrong just 2 of the employees fall in love & later a baby dino is the ring bearer at their wedding

Whenever I mess up an experiment I just think of what a pigeon considers a successful nest

[David Attenborough watching me pour syrup on my waffles before I put them in the toaster] Turn the camera off this man needs help

I feel like every time a GOP candidate drops out, Oompa Loompas should appear & sing a song to teach us about the perils of gluttony & greed

Him: tell me about your longest relationship

Me: *thinking furiously* does Windows 95 count?

“What if we put wheels on this toilet?”

*inventor of the RV