Coworker: See you next year. Hahaha
Me: Not if you die tonight. Hahaha
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Apparently hitting a butterfly with my car is “not a valid reason to call 911” and I “need to grow up”
i hate when adults say “tummy.” im an adult. it’s my STOMACH that hurts. because yet again. I had too many sweets without mothers permission
Prank Idea: Toss some red laundry in the ocean and turn the great white sharks into the great pink sharks.
ME: I was having a juice cleanse between 6 & 8 p.m
COP: You don’t need an alibi, you’re not a suspect
ME: I know, I’m just telling everyone
Cats don’t say YOLO they say YOLNT
Ooop, you spit-talked on me. I’m just gonna pretend nothing happened and freak out inside my mind.
Air conditioners are just human refrigerators
ChatGPT’s primary use is to generate plausible excuses to leave dinner at the in-laws’.
Me: *upon exiting the womb* you’ll be hearing from my lawyer
[lunch date]
“I’ll have a salad.”
Narrator: Ursula then returns home and eats Fritos, Cool Whip and what appears to be leftover meatloaf.
how do people have 15 minute naps?? if i’m napping, i’ll sleep through an earthquake and the entire lord of the rings trilogy
A ponytail so tight I look 5 years younger and everyone thinks I’ve been smiling all day.
[ robbing grocery store ]
me: put the money in the bag
her: paper or plastic
Having a heart-to-heart with our zoo’s laundry team about using our mooses’ antlers as drying racks.
Trying to explain to H that when the doctor said he can have one red wine a day, he didn’t mean bottle.
Me at 22: you can find me in da club 🎶
Me at 42: you can find me in da tub 🛁
MTV has ordered a reality show to follow a group of virgins. That sounds very interesting and riveting and get that camera out of my face.
Jack Ryan, Jack Reacher…
Maybe it’s time we gave someone named Jerry a chance to solve a murder
*covers kids eyes*
“Hey Billy, guess who?”
“Dad!”
“Nope”
“I knw its u dad. I know ur voice”
“Its not ur dad”
“Stop jking”
“Ur adopted”
My wife is out of town for a few days, and you know what that means!!! (Constant fear of locking myself out of the apartment!!!)
Did you know that a pint of spilled blueberries can travel 3 feet across a kitchen floor in 3.1 seconds? Did you also know they can “disappear” under the fridge in the time it takes a mom to pee?
I do. Now.
“The best eggs are stolen,” I said.
“Poached,” my wife corrected. “Poached.”
Just dropped my youngest off at a park to go play with some friends and now my wife is texting me all these questions I don’t know the answers to like “Was another parent there” and “how long will she be there” and “which park” and “why can’t you remember which park”
Counsellor: what’s the reason for your lack of self confidence?
Me: my girlfriend is always trying to put me down
Counsellor: why is that?
Me: she’s a vet
What is Iron Man without his suit?
Stark naked.
Please pray for my teen who forgot to jump and touch the doorframe before entering a room today
Agent school must be stressful when you have to decide whether to go the “insurance” or “secret” route.
It is easier to pass a camel through the eye of a needle than it is to convince somebody online that they are wrong.
Me: I was watching Sixth Sense when my house got burgled
Cop: Ok tell me everything that happened
[10 mins later]
Cop: holy shit he was dead the whole time?!
Son: what’s the term for animals that come out in the dark?
Me: party?