Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I hope you don’t mind that I got a dog for our son.

Wife: Of course not, where is he?

Me: I just told you.

Is it wrong to eat a Blueberry Muffin that looks just like your dog?!

me: [banging head on wall]
wife: honey is something wrong
me: [sobbing] I’M A SHITTY WOODPECKER

The thing about human relationships is that one person can be so overcome by a moment while the other person is thinking about KFC…

Bow Wow’s full name is actually Boward Woward

How many raisins do I have to add to this bag of M&Ms before it qualifies as trail mix? One? I say one.

date: i had fun tonight
me: me too
me: *mashes mouth against one cheek & slowly drags it across their whole face*
me: that’s how slugs kiss

Now colored!

[abruptly stops speaking in tongues] Oh the exorcism is for ME?

My walk of shame is going back for a shopping cart after realizing I can’t carry 23 items in my arms through the store.

Monday is a draft that was sent by mistake when God’s cat jumped on the keyboard.

My body is a temple, but it’s one of those temples in Thailand where they let monkeys shit all over the place

I’ve been looking for F35 on my keyboard for over an hour, I give up.

Thanks to technology, family members from across the country can still have meetings to discuss what a disappointment you are.

me: ok so it’s a movie about a scientist who builds a zoo that contains prehistoric horses with long necks..

movie exec: i’m not sure that..

me: ..we’ll call it Giraffic Park

movie exec: ok first of all, i love it..

Guys! I just heard when women ask “Does this make me look fat?” they know we’ll say no. What they are really testing is HOW FAST WE SAY IT!

On one hand, eating meat is bad for your body, bad for animals and bad for the earth. On the other hand, bacon.

The movie scene where discarded clothes lead to lovers in bed, except it’s my clothes leading to my wife picking them up and cursing me.

My son plays this game where he’s a bowling ball and the bowling pins are everything we own.

Oh really, Carol? It takes fewer muscles to smile than to frown? How many muscles does it take you to mind your own business

[puts cone of shame on dog]
ME: (to dog) sory buddy
DOG: (to all other dogs in neighborhod) BOW DOWN TO LORD FLOFFYTON HEARER OF ALL BARKS

I think I’m about six months away from the perfect ‘before’ picture.

Johnny Depps wife filed for divorce, thanks a lot Australia! This is why nice people don’t visit you!

[1st day seal clubbing]
Me: OMG this is awful
Guy: [choking back tears] I know right?
Me: [feeding MDMA to a seal pup] There isn’t even a DJ

Them: This is our top-of-the-line model, availa-

Me: I’ll take it.

Them: Sir?

Me: *climbing into casket* Just close the lid behind me.

If the prescription has anal leakage as a side effect, I’m not going to be playing nearly as much tennis as the guy in the ads

ME: did I remember to take my antidepressants this morning?

BRAIN: does it matter? Does anything matter? Aren’t we all just insignificant threads in the tapestry of life

ME: …so that’s a no

How many people in America do you think I can trick into believing that Brexit is the name of one of Sarah Palin’s kids?

[Attorney’s office]

*checked box for cremation*
*signed last will and testament*

Guess I just made an ash out of myself.

Wife: *rolls eyes*
Did he also sign the DNR?

Mugger: give me your wallet and you won’t get hurt

Me: *handing over wallet* wanna be my friend?

Mugger: no

Me: *taking wallet back* but you said :’(