*coworker showing you a picture of their newborn* Nice, nice. What is that?
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3 is feeding 1 strawberries and calling him Baby Babe. It’s so sweet, I can almost forget he tried to lock him in the closet half an hour ago.
Hello 911?
Yeah, my wife accidentally fell off a cruise ship 3 months ago
Abe Lincoln: write this down
Mary: ok
Abe Lincoln: fourscore and seven years ago our fathers brought forth…okay read it back
Mary: this down
This guy must really want to impress me with his endurance skills. Because when I asked if he wanted a ride, he said “No thanks I’ll walk”
my name if I was in the mob
I have a picture of Leonard Nimoy holding a kitten.
I call it Spock and Aww.
Thank you. Goodnight, everybody.
I’ve started an all male cow gang.
Because in life, anything is posse bull !!
Little Caesar’s is really missing out by not doing a “Sides of March” deal on Crazy Bread.
1) My wife and I are fighting
2) My phone has an annoying ringtone whenever someone RTs me
3) My phone is in the room where she’s sleeping
Son, we don’t play Hungry Hungry Hippos for “fun.” We play it to learn how friends turn on each other in moments of desperation and scarcity
eating all the chips in my house so that I won’t be tempted to eat all the chips
last day before retirement cop: I’ve been shot!
suddenly encased in jelly cop: mmphht
Meowchelangelo
Bomb Squad: it’s going to explode if anyone makes any sudden movements
Officer: oh no
Hostage: oh no
Kool Aid Man: OH Y
I made my will yesterday and had to make my lawyer the beneficiary because my estate will just about cover his bill
me: you’re probably wondering why I gathered you here today
platter of various cheeses:
[commercial for college]
*person shoveling money into furnace*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there was a better way?
How to draw a duck
ME ONLINE: all people deserve the same rights & quality of life
ME IN TRAFFIC: I HOPE EVERYONE IN THIS MINIVAN GETS EATEN BY RABID BADGERS
Ke$ha in different currencies:
Ke£ha,
Ke€ha,
Ke¥ha.
Lucky she chose USD… British KePoundHa or Vietnamese KeDongHa might sound a bit odd
Pet Cemetery 3:
People get tired of resurrecting pets and relatives.
Somebody buries dinosaur bones.
Jurassic Park ensues.
Person 1: The glass is 1/2 full
Person 2: The glass is 1/2 empty
Excel: The glass is the 1st of February
the vatican should not be allowed to name any new saints until God sorts out my numerous issues with the citibank web portal
How the hell did Charles Manson get like 16 people to murder for him? I can’t even get two kids to brush their teeth.
Turns out that the best way to find a flat head screw driver is to pretend to look for a phillips one.
gonna have me one of them sexy closed-casket funerals, leave somethin to the imagination
I’m always amazed at how eating 2lbs of chocolate can make you gain 47lbs.
My son just started telling me about a new Pokémon character. Talk to you guys on Monday.
getting a “can we reschedule” text right before leaving the house