Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Got fired from Taco Bell because I was lick-sealing the burritos like a joint.

If anyone out there is named Aesop dear god please open a table store I have just the name for you.

A winged baby shooting people with a bow and arrows. Yeah, what wouldn’t turn me on about that?

[Phish concert]

“I have to pee.”
“Go when the song’s over.”
“How will I know?”

I just heard one of my kids say to her sister, “Hold still. I know what I’m doing.”

Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to go interrupt what I assume is amateur surgery.

my uber driver watching me wander around the street aimlessly because i have no idea what a toyota crayola is

*Sandra Bullock floating around in the background of all the new Star Wars movies*

ME: *reading my tweets aloud*
HER: *spits coffee out*
ME: Aww was it that funny?
HER: No, I just hate coffee.

Failure isn’t an option? Just watch me.

If you rub chop sticks together its a sign of disrespect but if you use them to play a bitching drum solo much honor will come your way

Apparently a guy named George Martin leaked all the main plot points of the next season of Game of Thrones in some books he published. Jerk.

I don’t have a gf, but I do know a woman who in the car often asks where this is going so I show her the GPS & she gets mad for some reason.

Yesterday I wore something from 10 years ago that actually fit…It was a scarf but still

Tried to steal some candy from a baby.

I got hit in the face with a rattle and then it puked on me

They lied about how easy that was.

Sorry I’m late, I’ve been taking an elastic band out of my hair for the last three days.

[entering wrong password] sorry it was dark and you looked like my actual password

I got my husband to marry me 51 days after we met. Today is our 20th Anniversary and I think he’s still wondering what the hell happened.

Her: You secretly think all of your coworkers are morons, don’t you.

Me: Secretly? No.

[leaving a party]
HOST (holding 2 identical coats): which is urs
ME: does 1 have a corn dog in its pocket
H: ya
M (suspiciously): mine had 2

I want a pet donkey that will kick people I don’t like on the command, “huh, interesting”.

older women will do that thing you like.

~bake cookies

i just found out my husband has a hot dog counter on his phone to track his yearly intake of hot dogs

That awkward moment when you whip off your shirt and realize you never put on your swimsuit

“I don’t think Gay Guys should be able to get abortions”

-Me when someone asks me a question that I don’t know the answer to.

I wish I was dinosaur. No school, no work, just ror ror.

Interviewer: “Your resume says you’re good at jumping to conclusions?”

Me: “When can I start?”

*flushes the urinal for the guy next to me* pay it forward, bro.

I’ve never seen a chameleon. Good job, chameleons.

Your perfume/cologne should reward someone for getting close, not punish them for being in the same building.

When a Weeping Willow dies does it become Mourning Wood?