Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

the best advice i ever received was from george costanza when he said that if you look annoyed people think you’re busy

Most airlines will give you a complimentary bag of pretzels and a full can of soda, except for flights to Minneapolis. Those ones only serve mini sodas

It’s daylight savings time which means the clock in my car is about to be correct again

You think you found a parking spot and then boom. Kia damn Soul.

Witnessing me making friendly small talk with a new mom at drop-off this morning, my son:
“Mommy why do you keep laughing at things that aren’t funny?”

employer: what skills do you possess that would make you suitible for this position?

me: I possess the skill that will make all your other employees look perfect by comparison

“Knock knock”
“Whose there?”
“The spelling police”
“Oh know!”

If you think fruit is better than candy just remember Eve ate an apple, not a Reese’s.

My 3yo was so excited to go to his first yard sale! He had $1 to spend on a toy and carefully chose a large plastic shark head. I was relieved it wasn’t something messy! When we got home we discovered it was actually a toy carrier and there were THIRTY miniature sharks inside. 😑

When my friends come over they know to ask “may I sit here” and then we look at my dog to see if it’s OK

Anonymously I asked kids (aged 6) to write new years resolutions. Here are some favorites…
“Eat more butter”
“Build a mud hut”
“Learn to drive”
“Try my hardest at everything but not maths”
“Make a new language”
“Invent Google”

Me: Absolutely broke.

Advertisers: She’s ready. Target her with the nicest shoes ever.

Great news my neighbor just pedaled by on a road bike wearing spandex and when I waved at him he made finger guns so I’m no longer the least cool neighbor on my street!

Her: You know, I hear a lot of guys are celebrating St. Patrick’s Day this year with a quiet dinner at home.

Me: Yea, the nursing home…

In my neighborhood, when things are left by the curb, they’re free to take.

Officer: “Ma’am please step out of the Amazon truck.”

FINDERS KEEPE *gets tased*

I admire my phone for not working when it gets too hot. I, too, sometimes feel that I’m so hot I shouldn’t have to work

[first day as hostage negotiater]

me: [taking the phone] yyyyyelllo

[loud explosion from inside the bank]

When I die dress me like Amelia Earhart and place me on top of the tallest tree you can find

I was going to eat a salad today, but then I remembered I’m not a rabbit.

when i die i wanna come back as a gerbil because they’re so cuddly and are notoriously vindictive, grudge-holding creatures

GUY: Ugh this rice crispy treat is disgusting!

ME: There you go sweetie, it takes 23 oz of sawdust before people won’t eat them anymore.

DAUGHTER: This is going to be the best science fair ever!

and that’s why I’m fat🤭

I’m cash poor but spare-napkins-in-my-glove-compartment rich

My cat likes to eat treats off the windowsill, and my dog likes to sit below it and gobble up any treats that he drops.

Trickle down treatonomics.

I tried to find the quickest checkout by jumping grocery lanes and now I think I’m stuck in the line to pay respects to Queen Elizabeth.

Me: It’ll be nice to have a dog around, we won’t have to worry about intruders

My dog: It’s a new person! Please come in and take whatever you want. I’ll be over here on my back waiting for a belly rub

ME: you really put the cute in executione-

WARDEN: alright hit the switch

“Honey, can you come here?”
“What is it?”
“There’s something in the tub.”
“Spider?”
“I don’t think so.”
“Just squish it.”
“Can you please do it?”
“Stop being such a baby.”

[blind date]
Him: what are you looking for in a partner?
Her: someone with serious ink
Him: *opens overcoat to reveal a range of 18th century fountain pens*
Her: [whispering] holy shit

why I oughta