Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Remember to look both ways before crossing a woman.

The pipes burst at my best friend’s house and I accidentally told someone his water broke

me: I quit drugs to concentrate on rock climbing

him: nice what’s the highest you’ve been

me: I tried to kiss a goldfish

Why is it called a phobia-induced breakdown and not tears for fears?

Why are Americans so obsessed with the British royal family? It’s like constantly checking your ex’s Instagram 245 years after the breakup.

A chicken that’s good with numbers is a mathematish-hen.

Boyfriend: isn’t this romantic watching the sunset?

Me: ugh, no. I’ve seen this one before

I wish there were glasses to protect me from all your blurry eclipse pics.

obi-wan: anakin has turned to the dark side what should we do???

yoda: raise his son to murder him we could

Your honor I object! That other lawyer is saying stuff that makes my client look guilty

Judge: State your name.
Me: Not Guilty
Judge: What?
Me: I had it legally changed.
Judge: You’re Not Guilty?
Me: *moonwalks outta there*

[Inventing octopus]
God: 8 arms
Angel: okayyyy
G: with suckie things
A: and-
G: Mouth like a parrot, shoots ink
A: wtf
G: …I ate mushrooms

before meds: *hates everything*

after meds: *feels good about hating everything*

It was the best of times.
It was the worst of times.
It had mixed feelings about the times.

I say, “know what I mean?” A lot for someone who doesn’t even know what I mean.

Just saw a tiktok of a family introducing their newborn to their cat and after it smelled the baby it went to another room and threw up LMFAO

wife: *handing me a bowl of raspberries* we have to eat these before they go bad

me: that is true of literally every food

Stop buying me complex technological devices that I have to go take a class to learn how to use just buy me a goat

First date idea: you, me, and a blanket
under the stars. We slap the shit out of each other but it’s sweet because of all the mosquitoes

Tractor: ‘Let’s get to work.’

Detractor: ‘Let’s not get carried away.’

Trumpy Cat

I’m running to 1996 if anybody needs anything

When Kevin Bacon participates in a bake off, he instantly becomes Kevin Bacoff.

5: Mom, look at me!

Me: I’m in the shower

5: Look at me!

Me: I can’t!

5: Because you’re in the shower?

Me: Yes!

5: Fine, but can you just look at me?!

We’re just a typical family. My wife is in the kitchen baking her secret recipe cupcakes and my sons are outside lighting the shed on fire.

crazy

me: *sees bags of soil stacked in garden center
brain: slap ‘em, slap ‘em hard

90% of parenting older kids is making sure they’re not in the same room when they have to do homework.

We need tire spike strips installed for those idiots who can’t follow the big arrows and drive the wrong way down parking lot isles.

They’ll remember what those arrows mean next time.

When I die I want my hearse to play ice cream truck music