Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

As someone who lost his pet worm at a RFK Jr event last year this is the worst day of my life

‘Toddler’ is such a funny term. At no other age do we identity someone by the way they walk. “My slouchy strider got detention today.” “My hunched shuffler keeps forgetting to take his meds.”

Journalists stuck in 1970’s Belfast absolutely hating it

i would never put up a lost dog poster. im not letting the whole neighborhood know i fumbled

The nice part about living in a small town is that when you don’t know what you are doing, someone else does!

Diamonds aren’t a girl’s best friend.

Perfectly regulated office temperatures are a girl’s best friend.

If anyone wants to know how WWIII will actually start…. 🤣

What did one tectonic plate say when he bumped into another tectonic plate? Sorry my fault..

He thinks the stuffed animals in my room are creepy, but I can’t think of a cuter way to hide all those cameras.

Driving in Europe vs Canada

Parenting is basically telling your kids they need to eat more fruit then telling them to quit eating all the fruit.

Elon literally had the chance to name his kid Melon Musk and he blew it.

Me, not making eye contact: Oh shit, I’m being weird.

Me, making eye contact: Oh shit, I’m being weird.

so it’s mythic and sexy when sirens lead men to their deaths at sea with song, but when I do it, it’s all “how did you even do that” and “what the hell”

I’ve written a musical called Fish.
It’s very similar to Cats… although Memory’s a lot shorter.

[first day as Uber driver]

Me: any song requests?

Passenger: no thanks

Me: *tuning guitar* you sure?

Me: The face is a tortilla. The eyes are banana slices and the mouth is made of peanut butter. His name is Bertram. He’s my best friend.

[12 minutes later]

Me: I have eaten my best friend.

I love breakdancing. I don’t do it…

Or watch it, even.

I just like it because it allows be to sell cardboard to rich white kids.

Apple has solved laptop theft by making them obsolete by the time thieves get out the door.

If you cross me again I’m gonna unleash hellfire* on you.

*own you in an imaginary argument in my head next time I shower

There was no Internet when I was a kid. If you wanted to talk to a pervert, you had to go find one.

I don’t want your pity sandwiches. I mean I’m still gonna eat them and enjoy them. But I don’t want them.

Three dinosaurs come across a magic lamp. Out pops a genie who grants them 3 wishes. The first dinosaur wishes for a big hunk of meat. The second wishes for a shower of meat. The third dinosaur not to be outdone wishes for a meatier shower.

Boss: Why weren’t you at work last week?
Me: Why are you living in the past?

In the name of “Hell Kitty”, an army of children wages a bloody and unholy war.

“It was just a typo,” sobs Glenn, ex-Tshirt factory worker.

I keep every love note I’ve ever written because one day I’ll have grandchildren who will find them and it’ll fill my heart with joy to hear one of them ask what it means to tongue punch a fur burger.

That awkward moment you have long eye contact with someone who’s really attractive, only cause it’s too hard to walk away from the mirror.

Fun fact: The average Canadian swallows eight moose per year in their sleep.

professor x: what’s your power?

jk rowling: i can rewrite the past of fictional characters

gay professor x : interesting

Morning sex is the most important imaginary sex of the day.