Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[first day as a vet]
Me: ma’am I’m afraid your horse has some of the worst cancer I’ve ever seen
Her: um this is a camel
Me: a what now??

[meeting GF’s mom]

Wow! This must be your sister! Your baby sister! *shakes keys in front of her face* I’m overselling this, aren’t I?

9: I don’t get why that words with friends game mom plays is fun

13: it’s only fun because she’s old

My boyfriend hates my driving, but it’s ok because he’s imaginary.

It turned out to be a huge mistake filling that pinata with healthy snacks around kids with weapons to beat you with.

[watching wonder woman]
*wonder woman comes onscreen*
Me: (leans over to date) that’s wonder wo-*date throat punches me*

I just unplugged my WIFI and heard someone yell WTF from across the street!

I received my 5yo’s report card today. His teachers are impressed with his leadership skills and want him to be the class tidy up captain because he’s so helpful! I’m really proud but also wondering if they’re talking about the right kid.

Friend: Can I borrow a pen?
Me: Sure!
*looks in purse*
*pulls out perfume, 17 Hershey kisses, a stapler & a baby goat*
Me: Sorry, no pen. 🙁

Before company arrives we like to clean our house so there’s no evidence that we live like circus monkeys the other 364 days of the year!

barista: how do u take your coffee
me, a twitter idiot: with my hand

My wife and I were looking for something at Walmart when she said “Maybe it’s on the health food aisle” and then we laughed and laughed.

“Oh hell yes” – Schrödinger, reading the first line of A Tale of Two Cities

[watching #diving]

ME: Huge splash! Nice!

ANNOUNCER: That splash will cost her a medal.

ME [changing channel]: The Olympics are garbage.

has anyone considered that millennials aren’t aging bc those koolaid jammers and lunchables preserved us?

Just saw a guy at the gym with only 1 arm.

If that’s not motivation, I don’t know what is?

Seriously, I don’t know, I’m leaving…

[when someone likes me]

*eyes narrow* but I don’t even like me

Tim Cook bravely announces he’s gay.

The world pats his hand like a kindly grandmother.

“We know, dear.”

Her: Who ate all the ice cream?

Me: *blaming the dog* Reese

Her: What? How?

Me: Witherspoon

Someday a baby’s first words will be “Please take this Ramones shirt off of me, I don’t like their music and this shirt implies that I’m a fan”

Husband: *opens jar of salsa*
Me: That looks like my period

It’s not my job to tell people where they’re failing in life.

It’s just a hobby.

“Turtle Power” is not an appropriate response when HR asks you how you plan to meet your objectives this year. Apparently.

COMPUTER: Enter your password

ME: [types ‘posh_people’s_tea’]

COMPUTER: Your password is too weak

ME: [high fives computer]

From a distance, I look like a regular dude. Up close I look like Picasso painted Nicolas Cage.

No one cares if you take an apple or yogurt from the hotel breakfast but apparently if you start filling your ice bucket with bacon it suddenly becomes an issue.

I brought a glue gun to a knife fight. Those knives aren’t going anywhere.

I got fired from my job as a taxidermist for rolling my eyes.

I keep sending TikTok clips to 18 and she keeps ignoring them. Girl do you know how many handstands you made me watch in the pool? You owe me.