Coworker: *sneezes*
Me: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: *stabs them in the neck with a pen*
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Parent drinking game: Anytime a kid drops something and doesn’t pick it up you dri…
aaaaand I’m drunk.
Proof that kids sometimes listen…
5: Why are you not getting dressed to take me to school?
Me: I’m dressed
5: Those look like pajamas
Me:
5: Did you brush your teeth?
Me: Yes
5: Let me smell
Imagine being a medium and having to talk to dead people as well as living people. That’s too many people.
ME: I’d like to return a defective boomerang
SHOPKEEPER: Ok. Where is it?
ME: I have no idea
condom commercials should just be a live-feed of couples trying to enjoy a decent meal at a restaurant with their kids
For six years I have been occasionally going to a friend’s house to play Scrabble. Each time I’ve taken along an extra “E” tile and added it to his set. He is now playing with nine extra Es. He hasn’t actually noticed but complains about have too many Es every time.
Boy, ISIS are going to be pissed when they find out New Atheists talk about God more than them.
I’m not a dietitian, but if you eat pizza right at midnight your body doesn’t know if the calories go towards yesterday or today so they don’t count
Sometimes I loiter outside of Victoria’s Secret just so people think I have a girlfriend.
Guys, freedom of speech doesn’t mean you can spell things any way you want to.
Aw cool firepit!
Me: Thanks! It’s for destroying evidence 🥰
One day I will peel open the plastic film on a yogurt container and not get sprayed in the face with yogurt juice. Today is not that day.
20s: I do yoga so I can be better in bed
30s: I do yoga so I can get out of bed
Marking my last weekend of living single by finishing off these 19 cans of baked beans
My wife didn’t post an essay thanking our kids for making her a mom on Facebook and now child services is on the way.
I’ll scaramouche, but I don’t do the Fandango for every little silhouetto of a man.
DAUGHTER: [burying pet rabbit in the garden] Goodbye Mr Hoppers. I’ll miss you!
ME: [to wife] Doesn’t it have to be dead first?
Accepting water from a salesperson is a sign of weakness. *faints from dehydration*
“So what do you do?”
I’m a wordsmith
“A what?”
A writer. I deal with words. How about you?
“Oh I’m a uh… weedsmith”
Hell, YES, I work out. Somebody has to support the ibuprofen industry.
When you write lyrics as bad as “I got soul but I’m not a soldier” it’s important to repeat it exactly 10 times in a row so nobody misses it
I dance like people wish they weren’t watching.
‘Dances with Wolves’…
But it’s just me, running around my backyard with an uncooked steak, screaming, while the neighborhood dogs bark.
Nothing says “Proper Retirement Planning” like a garbage can full of losing lottery tickets
I was talking to my wife last night. Man, it sounds like her husband is a real jerk.
For a cheap high after age 30, just squat down for a few minutes, then stand up really quickly.
Jousting on horseback except both competitors have party subs.
My 10-year-old son only just now realized the character in The Avengers is named “Hawkeye”, not “Hot Guy”