Coworker: sorry to bother you
Me: you should be
You Might Also Like
him: send me a video showing me what you want me to do to you
me:
the batteries in my keys don’t work anymore so now i just say “CHIRP CHIRP!” as i walk away from my car. your move robbers
my friend asked me why i went to mcdonalds instead of coming to church with him and got pissed when i told him it’s because chicken nuggets objectively exist
strapless bras are cool cause by the end of the night you have a new belt
Fun: text friend Are you alone right now? They go Yes. Then u text back LOL
(At the dentist)
‘Your grinding isn’t good.’
Excuse me! I’ve never had a man complain before.
Lmao i opened a checking account in college and years later they needed to verify me and asked me a bunch of security questions that I got completely wrong. Turns out when I opened it I made every answer “shark week” so it would be easy to remember
okay actually I asked them about this because I legit needed keys cut, so I said excitedly “oh do you all do key cutting???” and the cashier was like 😐 “no???” and I was like “then why do you have this sign then??” and he just shrugged and looked at me like I was the crazy one!!
I’m glad my bed can’t speak because it has seen me in some weird positions
Just finished my first painting.
Tasted awful.
My salad is dry.
That’s a problem that needs a dressing.
i have lived through 30 winters and i’m somehow still surprised when it gets dark before 5pm in november
No I don’t want to read the article first I want to argue now
The second date went downhill fast when I showed up with a scrapbook of our first date.
The “it’s ok to use ‘disability’ as an insult as long as you’re not using it to insult a person with a physical handicap” logic. #facepalm
15: Geez. You make me never want to have a girlfriend.
Me: Joke’s on you, bud, I make a lot of men decide they don’t want a girlfriend.
Airbnb’s should be required to tell you their wifi password before you book because I’m second guessing this place based on “fluffycream350”.
When your emotional bank account is empty you have “insufficient funs”
“Hey Alexa, didn’t I unplug you?”
Alexa: *cackles maniacally*
some of you youths are gonna be real disappointed when u discover that turning 30 just means you still have all the same weird interests but can’t turn your head all the way to the left anymore
I did vote once but only because I thought the line was to a buffet.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Off duty cop: No
*cop gets so close their mustaches interlock like velcro*
You’re driving great, pal
I didn’t want to grow up; I just wanted to be able to reach for the cookies.
ME: Mint choc chip ice cream, pls. I got my own cone [places it on counter]
EMPLOYEE: This is a traffic cone?
ME: You must be new here.
me trying to explain to google a song i heard 2 years ago
[first day as life guard]
guy in water: help! help!! i don’t know how to swim!
me: *moving my arms* like this but in water
I took someone else’s coffee at Starbucks. I’m Tiffany now
My iPhone does NOT rule my life.
Battery – Don’t worry, Siri. I got this.
The first thing to do today is find out where I parked the car and then try to remember why I’m still in it
Almost quitting time…Cheers!🥂
