Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[at a wedding]
*bridesmaids walk to stage*
5 year old: Does he get to pick?

True love doesn’t care about the look or size of your wallet, it’s all about what is inside ….. the wallet.

Falling in love makes you do stupid things. Once I even got married.

My husband went to a lawyer luncheon thing and the lawyer he sat beside turned out to be my ex boyfriend from college. When they realized the connection he told my husband, “She always had me laughing. Is she still funny?” And my sweet husband said, “Not in the slightest.”

This day in history. 1924. Franz Kafka died after a surrealistically charged life which should have its own adjective. Kafkastic? Kafkable?

The only Plato I care about is a big Plato spaghetti

Husband: I’m stopping for a burger. Do you want anything?

Me: No, I’m good.

Husband: Are you sure?

Me: Ok, just a small order of fries…

and if you can a coke…

and a cheeseburger…

Can you also swing by Taco Bell?

ME: may I speak to the chef please? Today’s repast was magnifiqué
MCDONALD’S CASHIER: what

Imagine having a baby that didn’t photograph well for Instagram. What a waste.

Judges are so childish. Oh, you’re angry so you’re going to slam your little hammer on the table?

Grow up

7: *walks into the house, holding $20 in one hand & keys in the other

Me: What kind of sales pitch did you use on your PaPa to get that?

7: I need $20 and your car keys.

Obama says he supports gay marriage because his views have “evolved.” Republicans unsure which half of the sentence to get more angry about.

[being mugged]
ME: can i keep things of sentimental value?
ROBBER: ok
ME:[pulling things from wallet] my favorite cash…my lucky debit card

Most of my tweets have been coming from a very dark place lately. That’s what happens when you forget to pay your electric bill

Husband: so you know it’s ok to admit that you’re wrong sometimes.

Me: I’m not saying I’m wrong but I could have been more right.

Fun Fact: If someone’s car alarm keeps going off, you’re legally obligated to set the car on fire.

Just made my neighbors kid cry. How was I supposed to know Hags meant have a great summer?

Took my 3 year old to a lot of historic sites and whale watching today. Asked what her favourite part was and she said, “The M&M’s”.

When a girl walks in with an itty bitty waist and a round thing in your face you get

Boy: call me daddy 😉
Me:

[watching This Is Us]

*leaning over to partner*
Me: That is them.

When I find myself with a simple problem, I stop, take a deep breath, and ask myself, “How can I complicate this?”

God: *twisting an owl* I can’t get this damn jar open

Once I ‘get’ a man, how do I keep him, you ask?

It’s simple you idiot. I add cheese to everything. He makes lasagna; I add cheese. He wants to have a pass; I throw straight cheese. He wants to discuss fundamental physics; I buy string cheese…

I have a huge gash in my forehead. I’m going to assume I got up in the middle of the night, fought some crime, and went back to bed.

In my defense,
I was left unsupervised.

Kids, in my day we didn’t have text messaging. We had to write a “Do you like me? Yes or no?” note and pass it through 17 mutual friends.

When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, that’s amore.

When you swim in the sea and an eel bites your knee, that’s a moray.

Fireman: Is anyone else inside the house?

Me: Uh yes..my son is trapped in my room he- [fireman charges into blaze] ..HE LOOKS LIKE AN XBOX

Do you ever wake up.
Kiss the person beside you, and just be thankful to be alive.

I did.
Not really appreciated on flights apparently