Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My new puppy is training and gets treats for doing well. My older dog gets treats as well, for, you know…supervising.

It was nice of Microsoft to put their name on Excel after satan created it.

*Standing in my shower*

I wasn’t being attacked, I was just really trying to hit that Mariah Carey note, officer.

*Forgets to stir pasta for 4 seconds*

The Pasta:

Her: Oh, you brought me flowers!

Me: Yes, one of the many benefits of living next door to a graveyard…

I need a Waze app, but for my walks. Instead of “vehicle on shoulder ahead” it says “person on trail ahead” so I can detour to avoid any human interaction.

I hate avocados

*gets kicked out of California*

Every day before I leave the house, I pat myself in several places. Phone? Wallet? Keys? etc. etc.

I’ve just added a new ending to the search. I say:

Heyyyy Macarena.

Imagine if batteries screamed in agony when they started to die

LONELY OPTIMUS PRIME: *hires a ford escort service*

Find someone who looks at you the way a 125 pound dog looks at your lap as you’re trying to eat dinner on the couch

When I undress there is a radiant shower that falls. Not of money or glitter, but of dog hair.

[God creating humans]

God: Make them really bad at remembering stuff like first names, birthdays, etc

Angel: And things like traumatic experiences too?

God: Haha no. They’re going to remember those forever lol

*panicking* 3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3

i just found this in my phone

I found a message in a bottle. It said: don’t pollute.

But what if options were limited, and portions were small and overpriced?

– Food Trucks

Father-in-law criticizing too much tablet time for my kids.

Things I have suggested for him to do with my kids:
Just Dance
Plant Flowers
Park
Play Cards
Bake Cookies
Play Softball
Go for a walk
Watch Encanto
Fly kites

Things my FIL has agreed to do with my kids:

My therapist said I need to stop listening to Ke$ha on my iPod and start acting my age.

So I bought Ke$ha on vinyl.

Tik Tok.

Kids: Can we have cookies for breakfast?

Wife: Absolutely not.

Kids: Then why is he eating cookies for breakfast?

Me [mouth full of Oreos]: BECUFF IM AN ADULTF

Me:

One of my moles: I shall grow a hair for you, master

I bet Scooby wished he never got into that van of weirdos

I love when young people try to insult me and say ‘It’s way past your bedtime old man’. Bro, it’s not an insult, it’s a reminder.

Job interview…

Interviewer “On your CV, it says that you are a man of mystery.”

“That’s correct.”

“Would you like to elaborate?”

“No.”

Go to tattoo shop to get both legs fully covered. Before he touches me w that needle, I run off yelling ‘thanks for the free shave loser!’

Nevada be like, omg I think I like him… so how many days should I wait before I call him? Is it 3 days? Cause I think it’s 3 days.

Avoid cars that have a sign saying ‘baby on board’. That driver has only had a couple of hours sleep and is likely to be suicidal.

Lady at the dollar store checked to see if my $20 was fake. Like if I could counterfeit money I’d be shopping at the dollar store.

ME: *trying to remember name of someone I met 2 minutes ago*

BRAIN: “Nope. I got nothing. Unless you want complete lyrics to 90s songs?”

somewhere, in an alternate universe