*coworker stares at me as I unpack lunch*
Me: leave
CW: why?
Me: I’m never bringing a banana to work again, okay Todd!?!?
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The difference between just buying your teenage son some food on the way home and texting him to ask what he wants is approximately $30.
It may be an unpopular opinion, so block me if you must, but not all Girl Scout cookies are good. Their “Toast-yay!” should be called “Toast-boo!”
If only I were rich enough to be the first corpse in an Agatha Christie novel
Sandi: “I watched a guy do 50 pushups. Could you do that?”
Me: “Hell yes. I’m pretty sure I could watch him do 100.”
One time I was so sad I wrote an entire Radiohead album.
[planning heist]
LEADER: we can kill the alarm, but how do we get through the concrete wall?
*everyone turns to look at the kool-aid man*
“Welcome to 9-1-1, Florida. If you’re calling about a matter related to George Zimmerman, please press 2. Otherwise, stay on the line…”
Just so you know, it’s almost impossible to drink coffee while laying down.
[texting]
Her: We need to talk. (9:00 am)
Him: About? (9:01 am)
Him: What? (9:02 am)
Him: WHAT??? (9:03 am)
Her: Dinner tonight. (4:42 pm)
“I wanna know who is responsible for this!”
-Me to my parents, while pointing at myself.
“I’ll vote for a Democrat when hell freezes over.” — Texas Republicans
“Deal.” — Mother Nature
ME: Wow I have to print this document right now
PRINTER: Like, right right now?
The only way I’d get within six feet of some people is if I’m standing on their grave.
[interview]
What is your biggest weakness?
“Sometimes I’m too succinct”
Can you give an example?
“Yes”
90% of parenting is asking, “Did you _?” when you know damned well that they didn’t.
Thank you to all the people who tweet landscape pictures so we don’t forget what it looks like outside
Welcome to parenting. None of the pencils in your house have erasers on them now.
*brings elephant to knife fight
*nobody talks about it
Optimus Prime implies the existence of Optimus Fresh, and for a nominal monthly fee, Optimus Audible.
Either I stood up too quickly or this quart of vodka was deliciouser than I thought.
-911 Whats the emergency?
My wife is suffocating me
-Literally or figuratively sir?
Well thats a stupid question. How would I be talking?
my bf just said “you’re one of the most beautiful women ive ever laid eyes on” ummmmmm… im sorry… ONE OF!!??!?
Day 2 without sports:
Found a young lady sitting on my couch yesterday. Apparently she’s my wife. She seems nice.
Drive like no one is watching.
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
A lot of people think that the funniest people are actually the most depressed on the inside but I have a comedian friend who’s pretty depressed and he’s one of the worst comedians I know
Biden: I took a Staples red button & wrote “Nukes” on it
Obama: Joe!
Biden: Tweets to him in Russian when pressed
Taking my dog out in below zero weather brings one thought to mind. I should have gotten a cat.
Practice self-care like Dracula: sleep all day, eat all night & outlive everyone who has ever loved you.
What genius named it a “news feed” on Facebook and not “bullshit”?!