Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

HER: do you own any firearms

ME [trying to impress]: no but I have some hot legs

I love money. I set it free and it didn’t come back. Relationships are hard.

At a seminar. Cannot wait to drop someone during a trust fall.

[inventing potato chips]

CEO: they’re so fragile, how will they be packaged?

Inventor: in a sturdy box

CEO: nah, let’s go with a bag

Inventor: but they’ll get crushed!

CEO: fill the bag with air

Inventor:

CEO: really strong air

I read a news article about a guy who bought a golden egg for $13k that turned out to be a Faberge egg worth $33 mil. Those kinds of lucky stories would never happen to me. There will never be a news story that says “Man finds lost Rembrandt painting inside bag of Doritos”.

*LIGHTHOUSE*

BATMAN – You call?

L/HOUSE KEEPER – Shit, not again man. I am so sorry.

BATMAN – Dead seagull on the light?

LK -*Nods*

Him: What are you doing?
Me: Rollin’ bones.
Him: I’ll roll your bones. *wraggles eyebrows*
Me:
Him: *winks*
Me: *does voodoo-y stuff*
Him: *turns into a hedgehog*

When your baby cries, don’t feed it. That’s just what it expects you to do. You have to outsmart it.

“Disney movies promote false images of the friendliness of woodland creatures,” I mutter after each rabies shot.

I was thinking about drinking less beer but I knew I couldn’t do it if I always have cold ones ready to go.

It was self a self fridge-filling prophecy

My husband says nosy. I say strong investigatory skills.

Goodnight moon.
Goodnight room.
Goodnight sanctimonious people arguing on the internet

Religious rituals and prayers sound really creepy when you replace “Jesus” with “Jeff”

My bank statement is just a record of everything I’ve eaten for the last month.

When I was a little girl, I always dreamed of growing up to satisfy user needs in a way that meets business goals for transformative outcomes

In Bakersfield, California, it is illegal to have sex with Satan without a condom.

I’m sick and my son just brought me tea and said let me know if you need anything else my queen so I bumped him up in the will and gave him ice cream for dinner.

ME AT 19: I stayed in a youth hostel with 20 strangers

ME IN MY 40s: This hotel bed is a bit smaller than at home and my wife’s leg touched me in the middle of night and now my vacation is ruined

If you play a game with your wife where you pick one person you’d be allowed to sleep with choose a celebrity and not “Liz from Accounting.”

Want to feel old? This is what the vampires from Buffy the Vampire Slayer look like now.

I’ve watched “Aladdin” like 25 times with my kids, so I know quite a bit about politics in the Middle East.

if you compliment a dude’s shirt, you better mean it, because that’s the only shirt he’ll wear out for the next five years.

I told my son if he wants to have company over he needs to clean the house. Either way, big W for me.

[On a date at a restaurant]

So this is nice huh?

“Yea,uh, who’s that?”

*Dad is breathing on the window and writing ‘VIRGIN’ in the steam*

When people ask me for directions Im just going to do a really slow sarcastic Macarena .

[speaking at an AA meeting]

Me: You’ll find the transition from hard liquor to hard drugs expensive, but very rewarding

*everyone cheers*

In case you’re wondering it takes a 6 year old approximately 20 min to pick out a bunch of bananas at the supermarket

Is it a compliment when someone says, “You look great, I didn’t even recognize you?”

My dishes are lined up like my sink is the hottest night club the world has ever seen.

“my therapist actually told me im right and you’re wrong” oh really? your therapist who you pay $300 an hour, who only heard your side of the story, told you you’re right?