Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Soooo, if the string breaks off…do you just make yourself sneeze so that it shoots out?

Female cashier: [stares at me]
*rings up tampons*

[watching House of Cards]
where are the cards

Pulling the sword from the stone and getting immediately embarrassed, freaking out, trying to jam it back in but it’s like a USB flipped over. Texting the girls “help”

police: come out with your hands up.
me: no.
police: why not?
me: you’ll tickle my ribs.
police: will not.
me: promise?
police: promise.
me: ok *comes out with my hands up*
police: someone’s… TICKLISH!
me: nooooo

“I WAS SUPPORTING LOCAL BUSINESSES!” I screamed my scale.

People who ask themselves what Jesus would do seem to forget just how badly things worked out for him.

[Wedding meal]
*taps wine glass until everyone stops talking and I stand up to speak* I need more wine

British meanings of “you look well”

1. You look well
2. You looked particularly bad when we last met and you’ve improved since then
3. You look larger than last time
4. We both know you’re looking unwell but I’m trying to make you feel better about it
5. I can’t remember who…

Jesus pulling Matthew mark luke and John to the Side and being like you guys are the big dogs

I got so shit-faced the other night and when I got home I was starving so I shoved something in the microwave but then I couldn’t warm it up because I couldn’t remember my pin number.

“Do you like to swim?” I ask a beautiful woman awkwardly as I walk into the ocean, never to be seen again.

[spelling bee]
Your word is “echo”
can you use it in a sentence?
SENTENCE entence enᵗᵉᶰᶜᵉ ᵉᶰᶜᵉ ᶜᵉ

*shakes brain like an Etch-A-Sketch*

They say New Zealand has a sheep population of over 60 million

How did they stay awake to figure THAT one out?

Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Your options are a pound of salty meat or 900g of sugar

Me looking for something to eat….
⠀
Instructions: bake for 25 minutes.
⠀
Me: ugh, that takes too long. I don’t feel like dealing with it.
⠀
*proceeds to door dash overpriced food that will take 45 minutes to arrive*

Me: Look, even if you could breathe underwater, no one wants to be Aquaman.
4yo: Who’s Aquaman?
Me: EXACTLY!

I can’t afford a security system so I’ve just stopped greasing the hinges on my doors

The afternoons I spent on my hair.

Franz Kafka, 1912.

I’m proud to announce that am winning my fight against sobriety.

If you are in the market for a new fridge just know that my 4yo makes more ice pretending to be Elsa than my four year old Samsung refrigerator.

Everyone was sick in my house for a month and finally better and then my daughter coughed so I jumped off the balcony.

“Ohhh, that’s what you meant by period sex” I say, removing my powdered wig and waistcoat.

I figure soon we will be grounding our children by sending them outside to play

Gym trainer: are you looking to lose weight or increase cardio and fitness?

Me: I wanna look hot enough so people think I’m a bot

Childless friend: “My kid will NEVER -”
Me: [Dabs her mouth with toilet paper]
Her: What are you doing!?
Me: You just have a little bit of bullshit coming out of your mouth right now.

My lighter has 2 options:
1. Nope
2. Flamethrower

My kid, “mumma, what is ‘u’ doing in the spelling of a building?”.

me: I want to travel to the victorian era & meet a real gentleman [takes time machine back to 1860 England]
man: 31? what are u my grandma?