Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

my ex: sometimes I forget why we ever broke up

me: when you do that sigh thing I can hear your nose hair

*writing suicide letter

Goodbye cruel world. Your going to really miss me when I’m gone…

Cat: *you’re

him: how have you been improving yourself with all this free time during quarantine? i’ve been exercising more and eating better

me: [has forgotten the definition of 83 common words, what traffic light colors mean what, my phone number] simplifying

*deletes your contact information*

Siri: Are you sure you really want to do that? You’ve already deleted and re-added this guy 17 times.

Other people are gettin these amber alerts, right? Like, it’s not up to me to find these kids?

If a shark attacks you, punch him in the nose. And if that doesn’t work, use your severed arm to tickle his belly.

I’m at my sexiest when I choke on rice and a piece gets lodged at the back of my nose and I’m snorting and sniffing and blowing to try and dislodge it.

Wife: Whatcha doing?
Me: Re-enacting Noah’s Ark.
W: How?
M: I’m gonna try to fit 2 of every animal cracker in my mouth.
W: Idiot.
M: Mmmrrf.

i’ve got a bag of quarters and the afternoon off. 👀

Ann Coulter has managed to stay so thin because the last solid meal she ate was Hansel and Gretel.

“You’re not pretty enough. Now pay us $3.99 so we can tell you why.” – Magazines

“It’s our third date and you still wear that shirt?”
Honey, this all they have in prison.

Friend: Wow, you’ve been happily married for 25 years?! What is your secret?

Me: He travels, A LOT.

JOB INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?

MARTY MCFLY: I literally have no idea.

Pulled a power move on the neighborhood dads by shoveling my driveway before it stopped snowing

Right now, I need a Transformer that can turn into a blender that’s not broken.

My boyfriend literally has no problem making friends with anybody…

looking for a buddy to go together on knuckle tats:

[P][E][R][S] [O][N][A][L]

[P][A][N][P] [I][Z][Z][A]

cop: show me your hands

dahmer: *opens fridge*

nothing says 2019 like when you group text your family from the bathroom to bring you toilet paper

Both hands Mommy!

-my 4yo the backseat driver.

wife: You’re going to work like that?
me: Yeah, it’s casual day
[20 minutes later]
me *calls wife* Can you bring me some pants?

Kid packed for a 3 day trip to his grandparents with 1 t-shirt, 1 pair of underwear, and 7 pairs of socks. I have a few questions

America is a country where half the money is spent buying food, and half is spent trying to lose weight, and half is spent on education.

wife: “just break it to him gently”
me: “ok ill try”
[tucking son in bed]
me: [opening story book] “once upon a time your grandma’s dead”

The secret to a good marriage is that it’s all about give and take. Giving each other frequent back rubs and ordering lots of takeout

WIFE: *on our wedding night* Don’t you think today was just perfect?

ME: [remembering how I wanted a Flintstones themed wedding but was told no] I yabba dabba do not Sharon, tbh.

Me: You’re such a good boy.
Dog: *tail wagging* Please leave the room so I can eat the couch.

Whoever came up with the idea of pills for cats never met a cat