[coworker starts talking to me at my cubicle]
Welp, nice chatting. This is my stop.
[puts in earbuds]
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“Should I vomit at 1am or 3am? Maybe both.”
Interviewer: Do you have any special skills?
[Me, attempting to remove stapled sheets of paper with a sword]: no
Good morning
Me: *my toddler might eat this healthy food if he can dip it in ketchup*
Toddler: *eats the ketchup by itself*
Today I’m approaching teens dressed like I’m from the future, locking eyes, and saying “Happy Presidents Day, sir” with a wink
Imagine me naked.
Wrong. Fatter.
I don’t think my Uber passengers understand how hard it is to do pretzels in a parking lot, but I can tell they’re having a good time by their screams.
Forgot my wallet at home & filled up at the gas station so I have to leave some collateral. Not leaving my phone there so 4 year old it is.
I can’t afford Ugg boots, so I just never shave below the knee to create the illusion that I’m wearing them.
Better than the last 5 star wars movies. 😂😂
It’s not my fault that the Ouija Board always says, “you guys should order a large pizza” every time I play.
NURSE: The other nurses and I bought you this box of chocolates for Valentines Day!
DR DOG: You’re joking, right?
Oh hey mom. Yeah the date went fine, I think she liked my jorts bc she kept glancing at them
Please sir, Under Arrest is my father’s name. You can call me Free To Leave.
I bet everyone had that one weird uncle who taught them how to do weird stuff like forage for berries or catch upstream salmon in their mouths and sleep for 6 months at a time just like my Uncle Bear
Every work call, he judges.
This Easter, please take a moment to remember Jesus and his inspiring message for mankind:
Flight attendant alerted us to a “birthday queen” coming down the aisle and asked everyone to clap for her. The woman next to me quietly said “That was weird.”
Boobytrap backwards is partyboob.
Moving on.
ME: I’m going to start a blog.
FRIEND: Ugh. Blogs are so narcissistic. I just talked about that on my podcast.
8y/o: What’s sex?
ME: [slightly uncomfortable] Umm. Well, what it is, umm-
8y/o: [to friend] Told ya he wouldn’t know. Pay up
Trump is the perfect candidate for American guys who secretly believe they could come out of the stands and score a touchdown
Guys named Hugh are 75% ugh
It’s too bad The Carpenters never got to do a project with MC Hammer and Nine Inch Nails.
An airbag is just a pillow that punches you in the face
Skyped my dad today and had a great conversation with his forehead and nose hairs…
kid: *reading ouija board* she says you should vacuum
mom: who?
kid: grandma. she’s coming back
mom: honey grandma died years ago
[urn falls off mantle]
mom: get the—
kid: —vacuum?
I know this ain’t smart, but that never stopped me before.
Boss: You’re not fired but we’re taking away all your responsibilities.
Me: Cool, a promotion!
Boss: No–
Me: Sounds like a promotion to me.