[coworker starts talking to me at my cubicle]
Welp, nice chatting. This is my stop.
[puts in earbuds]
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Cashier: do you want cash back?
Me: I mean who wouldn’t. There’s ring of fire, I walk the line. Let’s not forget his christmas album
bank website: you have one password attempt remaining before we kill your entire family
was fired from my court stenographer job when the defendant was sentenced to 15-20 years and I remarked: “aww, big stretch!”
If by cat person you mean I like to sleep all day and poo in sand then yes I am a cat person.
If you tell a sob story on American Idol they pick you, so it’s like Twitter
they’re called hooves, dummy🙄
I’m just a regular guy going for a regular jog with a regular plasma TV being chased by the regular police.
Currently accomplishing an astonishing amount of nothing, at a blistering rate.
If you hold a warm baked potato it feels like you’re holding someone’s hand without having to touch anyone.
My neighbour won’t make eye contact with me ever since I mistook her for my Uber when she stopped at the mailbox in front of my house
(sitting in back seat, locking eyes with the kid in the child seat) “Huh. I didn’t know drivers could bring their kids”
I’m so lazy, I’ll only walk my fingers through your hair.
“Involve your toddler in cooking!” …so dinner can take 35 minutes longer to make and they still won’t eat anything.
Anti-Hero if Taylor Swift was in a SKA BAND @Skatunenetwork
ME: *puts on sunglasses*
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: *slaps them off my face* glasses made of the sun would instantaneously melt your head
me: I’ve been thinking about you all day.
cookie:
You know how moray eels can’t let go when they bite, and both sets of jaws must be pried off even after they’re dead?
Don’t touch my fries.
“What are your dogs’ names?”
Me: “Calvin and Klein.”
“Isn’t that a brand of underwear?”
Me: “Exactly, they’re boxers.”
I can’t listen to music with my headphones at the office. Apparently everyone doesn’t enjoy the way I sing out loud
Paris Hilton is suddenly a DJ?
Well. Then I’m a dragon.
Me: you are chewing your food too slow son
Kid: am doing it faster in my imagination
Me: try faster in real too
Kid: it tastes better in my imagination
My cooking show would just be an hour of me looking for Tupperware lids.
Ratio should be pronounced like Daddio, which sounds like a really cool Rat.
“Wanna see videos from my vacation?”
*shows home video of me eating a raccoon under a bridge
“This is the wrong video”
“No this is right”
I just saw my dad screenshot all by himself,they grow up so fast
If somebody my age is out past 11 PM they just got off the second shift at work.
[My band playing on stage]
New GF’s friend: Which one is the boy you’ve been seeing?
New GF: *sees me playing accordion* He died
TERMINOTOR: come with me if u want to live
ME: ok cool
*just sits there*
TERMINOTOR: COME WITH ME IF–
ME: ya i got it. im good right here
Me: (slightly intoxicated ) I don’t think our cat understands me at all.
16: Mom, put the guinea pig back in his cage please. You’re scaring him.
HER: ”So, what should I do now?”
DOCTOR: “Inform your partner.”
HER: “I don’t know if I can face him.”
DOCTOR: “You can write him a note.”
HER: “That’s a great idea!”