Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My wife wants to be something really scary this Halloween so she’s carrying around a tape measure and asking, “is this a load bearing wall?”

I just got an email that they closed schools tomorrow because of the impending snow storm so I told my 7yo that he if gives me $5 he doesn’t have to go to school tomorrow

I poured some root beer in a square glass and now it’s just beer.

I still don’t understand why my boss didn’t like my idea of playing musical chairs at our next Monday meeting. He asked us for new ideas.

The guy who cut me off then slammed on his brakes just got pulled over and I wasn’t expecting this level of joy today

Ever meet one of these people that makes everything a competition? I’ve met more.

“Mr musk we would like to use your fortune to help humanity”
*Elon Musk presses a button on his desk* “Just fired a boat into space”
“Please Mr Musk”
*presses button* “Now a banana”
“People are dying”
*presses button* “That one was a bear”

If your entire outfit can be purchased at a gas station it’s not appropriate for court.

hookup culture actually helps a lot of people clean their bedrooms

I’m at my most storybook heroine when I water the flowers at work.

then my mum calls to ask why I’m not attending a family dinner; she says where is the glue
me: glue?
her: the glue you have been sniffing

For the first time ever, my teen texted me a grateful, loving, appreciative text! … quickly followed by:

“sry that wsnt for u”

Paying bills, or as I call it, the race to a zero balance

therapist: *holds up inkblot test* what do u see

me: a therapist with no professional boundaries shoving their shitty art into my face

therapist: please take this seriously.

me: ok it’s a car

therapist: no it’s us holding hands :/

Welcome to your 40’s where the small print appears to have gotten a lot smaller!

when you kill a mosquito someone else’s blood is probably on your hands.

I’m sorry you had a bad experience at our restaurant. To make it up to you, here is a coupon for more of our terrible, terrible food.

So as far as I can tell, the Metaverse is just Animal Crossing but you’re being hunted by Mark Zuckerberg.

You say your baby is 13 months? I hate to break it to you, but there are only 12 months. Your baby is lying to you

Just went to the Oreo website and hit “accept all cookies” … and now we wait

when ppl ask to come inside my apartment I always say no bc that’s what a vampire would ask.

Whoever is bringing me the 3 dozen donuts each morning, thank you. But could you just leave them on my desk and not in the break room?

How can you tell when a duck is a witch?

I would like to publicly state my support for Some Sex Marriage.

Two wolves? Cute. I’ve got 8 pieces of pizza in me

Old guys always send me a “Good morning beautiful” and never a “V, you are the only beneficiary of my 3 million dollars life insurance”… Romance is dead

alien: take me to your leader

me: take me to YOUR leader

alien: *suddenly nervous* are you going to eat him?

There is a trend of babies being named after characters in “Frozen”.

“That’s Stupid” says a 24 year old named Ariel.

pressed play on ‘moana’ on disney plus and they hit me with a trailer for ‘moana 2.’ pissin me off. now i know moana doesn’t die in ‘moana’

Hope my marriage can make it through another season of disagreement over the pronunciation of pecan.