Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[being chased around my house by a murderer]
ME: PLEASE STOP, THIS IS JUST SENSELESS

MURDERER: What?

ME [puts Fitbit on] Ok carry on

Rob thank god you picked up! Hey remember when you said if I needed a place to crash I cou- hold on *to copilot* STOP CRYING, ROB WILL HELP

Here I am, block me like a hurricane.

What he says: Ya know, your mom is actually right.
What I hear: So, you have chosen death.

If biscuits were slimming and contained every nutrient the human body needs, I’d be in terrific shape.

You can even hide a dead body in Terms & Conditions, No one will ever know.

do you know how lucky we are that skunks are generally reasonable

Mission Control: Stand by for launch in 5-4-3
Astronaut: WE’RE NOT READY YET
MC: Why?
Me: [in background] No way man seatbelts are for nerds

I can’t believe the 12 days of Christmas is all birds and musicians and not a single thing with potatoes anywhere.

Stop normalising things, we’ll run out of the weird shit

I know a kid who throws her dress over her head to “disappear.” Sadly, it does not have the same effect when I do it.

I want my kid to be sociable, but I don’t know where I expect him to inherit that from.

Gorilla vs. cold water 😂

you left your water bottle on the roof of the car. oh wait, never mind, it won’t fall. the babies holding it

I believe there’s at least 1 killer tweet in each of us. I must have had 2 and they killed each other.

My lawyer said I broke the record for how many times the word mayonnaise was used in a will at 13 times. The previous record was zero.

If you can get the pronouns right for a boat you can get them right for a person

Someone asked if my niece was my sister and the look of pleasure on my 40 year old face was matched only by the look of horror on her teenage face

Show me your pushy.

– Sean Connery shext

My ex DM’d me to say I’m acting creepy then unfollowed me. Luckily, I have his password so I just refollowed myself and told him he’s wrong.

I called 5 a nerd and she started crying. When I explained it was a good thing and that I was a nerd, she started crying harder.

at my local diner ordering eggs “gorilla” style and refusing to explain further

Bread: For when you want to wrap your food with other food, then eat it.

Festive Fact: Women who put on weight over the festive period are 98% more likely to live longer than their partners who point it out.

Suggested movie theater prices: Adults – $9.00, Under 12 – $ 6.00, Under 3 – $249.00

What makes you think I’m trying to poison you? Here, I made you this coffee. Its to die for. I mean its yummy!

Betrayal Treasury, Age 5:
Instead of ice cream after my tonsillectomy, a lime popsicle, the texture of which I do not enjoy.

Obsessed with when babies see a younger baby and say “baby!” Like girl, ur the Spider-Man meme right now

Hand feeding garbage to my roomba when its battery is low

The only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the street the shit is placed.