Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

professor x: what’s ur superpower

me: i take things literally

professor x: that’s not a superpower

me:

professor x: where’s my pen

lol

no one should have to work on Sundays till you pull up to the Taco Bell and it’s dark inside

[at the spelling bee]

moderator: your word is parole

me: can you use it in a sentence?

moderator: depends what you’re in for

Girl, did it hurt…when you fell from heaven? *smooshed girl bobs away making accordion sounds*

We need to put an American base on the sun

Bad news world, my biker gang ‘The Sons Of Panicky’ are finally back out on the streets and oh my god the traffic is SO heavy, maybe we should go back and try again tomorrow

I’ll take a bullet for you but if a clown shows up somewhere you on your own

During a natural disaster be sure to keep your phone with you at all times. You never know when you might think of a joke to tweet.

In spite of what you might have heard, some pretty magical things happen behind dirty dumpsters in shady alleys.

No thanks, $29 hotel. I’d rather be murdered in the comfort of my own home.

When it comes to Pope vs. Trump, do you take the side of the guy who wears that ridiculous thing on his head or the Pope?

Day 4 of quarantine: I’ve gained 796 pounds.

[first date with a skeleton]
ME: So um… have you always been a skeleton?
HER: No, in high school I was a-
ME: Wait, no-
HER: Skeleteen.

a talented computer hacker can bring down any man, no matter how rich or powerful, by smashing him over the head with a brick

Dog people always act like dogs are so much better than cats but as a cat person just wanna say that you never see cats working with the cops

[first date]

her: do u like cats or dogs better

me: [scanning menu] what page are u on

[french restaurant]
me: do you serve frogs?

waiter: no they can’t reach the table

Just found Elf on the Shelf in the bottom of my lingerie drawer. This explains so many things

Being held captive can’t be all bad. At least you’re being held.

A miracle birth, then resurrection. Accept Frosty the Snowman as your personal savior.

Friend: we’re going to Mexico this summer!

Me: I just bought a sensible lavender cardigan on clearance at Target, Jessica. I really don’t have time for your drama.

Maternity.

Sounds like you’re going to be pregnant forever.

[Shark Tank]
Ok hear me out.
-Alright.
It’s an airplane made out of cats.
-But why?
It cant crash. Always lands on it’s feet.
-Please leave.

I’m giving dirty looks to this dad at the cafe whose kid is being obnoxious but he’s not doing anything about it so I guess I’m going to have to deal with it because he’s my kid too or whatever.

The downside of being raised in the wild by wolves is that after you’ve grown up and left the wild, and you’re living in Shoreditch, they come to visit and you take them to your local vegan restaurant and they embarrass you by trying to order lamb.

6 yr old: Can we have cupcakes for breakfast?

Me: Absolutely not.

(I can’t tell him it’s because I ate them all around 3am.)

Taking viagra for my sunburn. Doesn’t cure it but it keeps the sheets off of my legs at night!

whenever they do this I can only imagine athletes are telling each other who they have a crush on