Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me- Look at the beautiful Christmas lights kids!
My husband- Woo buddy, I’d love to see their electric bill

The horror when you realize you’ve drunk DMd a picture, the relief when you see it’s you holding your neighbor’s new puppy.

if you don’t respond to my email when i am alive don’t expect me to reply to your ouija board questions when i am dead.

damn boy, are you a horoscope? because i’m selectively focusing on the parts of you that make sense for me

[moving day]

Me: Here we go. Bye house.

Husband: You forgot the kids.

Me: I filled out a change of address card. They’ll find us eventually.

50 Shades of Grey is also the title of the 101 Dalmatians alternate ending where Cruella wins and makes a coat out of the puppies.

Ikea is like the Hotel California of furniture stores

I think it’s adorable when kids lose their teeth, they look like tiny meth addicts.

Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?

Clark Kent: kryptonite

Interviewer: right, what’s your kryptonite?

Clark Kent: ohhhh I see what you mean. Chips and salsa

Look, all I know is none of this shit was going on when Mtv still played music videos.

“Misinformation” oh you mean lies, just say that

I don’t often find an occasion to work the word “repugnant” into casual conversation, but you’ve inspired me.

[At job interview]
Interviewer: So tell me why you want this job.
Me: I have no money and I prefer when I have money.

Are you Chinese? Well, how about you?”

– Chinese Checkers

Interviewer: If you get this job what will you bring to the team?

Me: cake…I’ll bring cake

[humane society]
Me: Hi, I’d like one medium sized dog please.
Vet: That’s not—
Me: Oops, I’m sorry. One “grande” dog please.

Church: time to come back

Me with 3 small boys: Well, OK

Church: not you

*Goes to zoo to see the world’s oldest tortoise.

Guide: He’s over 200 years old. How cool is that?

*Tortoise says something racist.

Why does Mommy always say no?

Well Son, if Mommy said yes all the time you’d have 20 more siblings.

#Friyay

😩😩😩

You must be radiating feminine mystique because every man in the cafe is looking at you, and then you realize there’s a TV over your head.

Just lookin for a girl to help me organize my plastic bag drawer.

Him: (on phone) Why are you single? Me: (watching a movie about a killer tire) I don’t know.

I just imagined what it would be like to cut eyeholes in a slice of provolone cheese and wear it like a mask. So yeah I’m fine.

“GUYS! WAKE UP! SOME DUDE JUST ATE CARL!”

Me five minutes ago: I’m not sure what the United Kingdom is

Me now: very good result in Newcastle Central, bodes poorly for the Tories

Husband: Do you want to go for a run today?

Me: *drawing a giant pumpkin on my stomach* Nah, I’m good.

Movies Lesson #5: very few people die while trying to get from one hotel room to another using the ledge outside, so give it a shot.

The Teen Choice Awards has to be the most legit award show because teens always make the best choices.

My kid threatened to hold her breath until I gave her dessert. She’s now passed out on the kitchen floor. I don’t negotiate with terrorists.