Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

First date:
[ok, don’t let her know you’re a cop]

Her: do you come here often?

Me: *shoots unarmed black teen*

*guitarist breaks guitar*
HELL YEAH
*drummer throws drums*
YES YES
*singer stabs a bunch of guys*
OH MY GOD
*bassist plants a bomb*
STOP

I made my preteen wear long pants in freezing weather this morning and subsequently ruined his “street cred”

staying in a hotel makes me feel like the queen of the world and staying in an airbnb makes me feel like i’m secretly living in the walls of somebody’s house

me: ugh I’m so fat
him: babe no, it’s all in your head
me: oh great, I don’t even know any head exercises

Barber: How do you want it?

Me [gets the same haircut every time]: UUUUUUUUUUUUUHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

Thought I saw a brownie walk by but it was just my dog. Other than that, diet is going well.

“a perfectly placed emoji is better than good punctuation.. ”
said No Teacher ever

My boss is getting the whole team a license to kill, hoping that we’ll Bond.

Me: Quick question: Did you ask me to help raise your baby, or help “braise” your baby?
Her: Are you grilling something out back? That smells delicious
Me: Please answer my question first

10 years ago parents were like “be careful what you put on the web” and we were all “lol. old people.” now none of us can ever be President.

“Terrible twos” is such a misleading phrase. It makes it sound like other ages are better.

I hope that when I die I’ll say something cool like, “I’m splitsville, baby! Gone-zo!” instead of something stupid like “AAURGH”

Olympics, but with real life skills like who can build the tallest pile of trash on top of the can to avoid taking it out

roses are red
violets are blue
I don’t think you’re ready
for this spaghetti

People who say I tend to give up too fast on things should- eh, know what, never mind.

Say one positive thing about your opponent
Well…he does convert oxygen into carbon dioxide which helps trees grow.

If you are going to call something super, it better have a cape. I’m looking at you, tampons.

Movie tickets for 4: $56
Popcorn: $16
Hot dogs: $20
Sodas: $14
Candy: $15
Parking: $5

Seeing the smiles on your family’s faces: $126

Hey is it just me or is there another two-letter pronoun used to refer to oneself as the object of a verb or preposition?

I bet that Heimlich was just a perv who molested people from behind, and one time accidentally saved someone from choking.

Whatever doesn’t kill you TRIED TO KILL YOU!

Barbie gone wild

Yoda: A Jedi, you will not be. Train Chewbacca, I will.

Luke: But why?

Yoda: Better piggyback rides, he gives.

Everyone needs to eat healthier. Except the guy sitting next to me loudly eating an apple. That guy should be in prison.

[murder scene]

DETECTIVE: Let’s run through the suspects.
PARTNER: Okay.
DETECTIVE: Who’s the most likely?
PARTNER: The husband, for sure.
DETECTIVE: Who else?
PARTNER: Her business partner.
DETECTIVE: And, the least likely?
PARTNER: *shrugs* Tom Hanks, I guess.

she is beauty, she is grace
she’s got a hotdog for the space

Uber Driver: How was your day?
Me: Pretty good. Just saw Spider-Man.
Uber Driver: How do you know him?

Rules for meeting a puppy:
1 be cool
2 pet it
3 do not steal it
4 stop running from the owner
5 put it down
6 this isn’t worth jail time

Me: I can’t do anything right

Therapist: You’re in my chair