COWORKER: Thanks for your help on that project. You’re a peach!
ME: I am a peach! I’m round, I’m fuzzy, and according to my urologist, I have a HUGE stone inside me!
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The only reason I’m on LinkedIn is to find employed dates for the weekends.
[goes up to a pair of identical twins]
so how did yall meet
I love when Scandinavian people on internet forums are like “Sorry for the bad English, I still have a considerable amount to learn about your language, again I apologize for my diction which is likely quite malformed,”
Breaking news:
Noah’s flood = God clearing his browser history
Me: I bought mini cinnamon rolls
Friend: how many?
Me: I don’t know how, but they’re tiny
to revive an exhausted bee, leave out a little bit of sugar mixed with water
to revive an exhausted wasp, give it a cigarette and ask it if it really believes that god can kill it
Just how much toothpaste is IN this tube? Let’s squeeze it all out and see!
– Toddlers
‘Shake It Off’ is probably my favorite urinal sing-along song.
Child: [misbehaving]
Me [picking up phone]: That’s it, I’m calling Santa.
Child: Dad I’m 19.
[Watching an educational show]
[3 year-old asks a million questions I have no answer for]
Me: Okay, let’s watch Bugs Bunny instead.
[5 minutes later]
3: Why doesn’t he hop?
Me: ᴰᵃᵐᵐⁱᵗ
When your emotional bank account is empty you have “insufficient funs”
The secret to a happy marriage is having the same definition of clean.
Date: Did you just spit your tooth out?
Me: Oh that’s not mine
Lois Lane survived until she was, like, 30, without Superman. Then she starts falling off buildings practically once a week.
I think Superman was pushing her.
[First day as villain]
Me: [Emails a co worker and then calls them about it immediately]
I should really stop writing “lol” after “exercise” on my to do lists.
A secretary walks into her boss’s office and says, “Can I use your Dictaphone?”
He says, “No, dial with your finger like everyone else.”
The biggest threat to mankind is aliens somehow receiving transmissions of Xbox Live conversations and deciding to just blow up the planet.
When is a robot gonna take over my job? Please?
Christmas decor isn’t meant to be sleek and minimalist it is supposed to look like joy threw up in your house.
Watching married couples argue in Bed Bath & Beyond is my Game of Thrones.
Keep your friends close and your fat friends closer, because snacks.
I annoy my dad when he’s watching football by referring to all the players as, “characters.” It works every time
I’m a good listener. If you’re interesting. Or you’re a movie about penguins.
Welcome to Wednesday.
If you haven’t had a meltdown yet today, one will be assigned to you shortly.
Bonus points for tears, flinging feces, and swearing in Polish.
@funTweeters thanks so much!! 😘
Sorry not sorry.
wile e. coyote running off a cliff and not falling until he looks down except it’s me stopping for a second mid-sentence to think about what i’m saying
If I am picking up lunch and bringing it back to work for you, please expect at least half of your fries to be gone.