Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I #respectfully #trot when you let me cross the street in front of you. I salute the #power of the automobile.

– Will you donate your organs when you die?
– No, I will not do anything when I die. I will be dead.

Cop: Tell me again why there’s a guy in your trunk.

Me: I told him he would look good in it.

[Person who spends 20 hours per week in the gym]
“The trick is to drink 8 glasses of water a day.”

Coworker: The thing that sucks about vacation is dreading going back to work

Me: Oh I don’t need vacation to feel that way

sometimes I feel sad and then sometimes I go get an apple pie and vanilla soft serve from McDonald’s and mush them together so I can be fat and sad

My right hand: I’ll hold these three Trader Joe’s bags, your overstuffed tote and one awkward rope handled shopping bag

My left hand: imma pet this doggie

Wife: What is that?

Me: Did you know killer whales are really the largest dolphin in the world?

Wife: I don’t care, just get it OUT of our pool!

Me: [whispering] Don’t worry, Dolphin Lundgren…she’ll come around.

Who called it freeze dried pork and not 6 degrees Kelvin Bacon?

Good advice.

Guessing game but it’s when you’ve bought so many things off amazon you’ve forgot what’s in the boxes being delivered.

Primenesia?

[Googling instructions for disarming a bomb]
For me, disarming bombs is indelibly linked to afternoons spent in my grandmother’s kitchen, watching her carefully iron the parchment paper that the nitroglycerin came bound in (to be reused at Christm
[Hurried scrolling]

Sieved flour to rule them all
A pinch of salt to grind them
Cup of milk, then mix them all
add an egg to bind them

-Lord of the Onion Rings

explaining cat scratches is like defending an abusive boyfriend to your parents “he didn’t mean it” “you guys just don’t know him like I do”

ME: I wish all of my enemies would randomly feel a crunch when they’re eating something definitely not crunchy

SATAN: holy shit

You better pray to whatever god you serve that this email finds you before I do

Nutella. A delicious mix of nuts and umbrellas.

We do these things not because they are easy. We do these things because we thought that they might be easy.

Recipes be like you’ll need an 1/8 tsp of this really hard to find item. Also, it’s gonna cost $125

Houston, we have a problem

Houston: new phone who dis

If you don’t have personal demons, store bought is fine.

Let’s be thankful Gwyneth Paltrow isn’t making masks.

Fun Adult Game: put your keys down. walk out of room. now try and remember where your keys are

Called the plumber today to come fix my toilet but had to play it off like I didn’t know how all those wine corks got down there, so I blamed the cat.

My wife asked me, “How do I look?”

I said, “With your eyes.”

I almost lost mine.

My niece calls me her ankle. I call her my knees.

We are a joint family.

Her: Look…I asked you to fix this damn cabinet 3 years ago.

Me: For the record…you did preface it with “When you get a chance…”

Getting emails texts and calls from school during the school year: WHAT DO THEY WANT NOW??

Getting emails, texts and calls from school in August: IS IT STARTING EARLY?! CAN I TAKE HER NOW??!

[briefing]
CIA DIRECTOR: We have a leak…
CIA PLUMBER: (slowly stands up)
CIA DIRECTOR: In our operation.
CP: (slowly sits back down)

“Don’t stop, don’t stop! Oh god, PLEASE DON’T STOP.” – me to the server grating cheese over my pasta plate