Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Girl are you a University of Phoenix degree because I’m pursuing you online and from my couch

If you want to look mysterious I would suggest painting your cornea with a sharpie. Always works for me.

Relationship status: just said goodnight to my living room.

Hard to believe the Cubs last won the World Series 108 years ago. Most of them don’t look a day over 30.

It sounds mean, but my best friend sent me a card with glitter in it, so the next time I see her I’m going to have to punch her in the face.

hello pervert is such a strong opener

If you’re driving a getaway car just remember the best way to lose the cops is to ship them via the post office

I think it would be great if ice cream licked you back.

only baby boomers will get this:

*pension*

did you know the official veterinary term for your cat eating something it shouldn’t is “dietary indiscretion” which absolutely sounds like a cat politician trying to downplay its irresponsible past

I hope none of the people I vowed to “help hide a body” ever actually need my help

Nurse: Where does it hurt?

Me: *Points to heart*

Nurse: Awwww that is so cute!

Me. *COLLAPSES FROM HEART ATTACK*

ME [yelling down into a volcano]: You shut your stupid Earth mouth

To answer your question: No, I’ve never been sought after, but I did once confuse a man’s intentions toward my lasagna as being sought after so I married him.

Sorry I dressed up like Captain Caveman when you asked me if I wanted to go clubbing.

Keep this between us, but I’ve snuck Don’t Speak lyrics into every relationship argument I’ve ever had.

Nothing makes sex more awkward than realizing your kid is awake…

and standing outside your door…

and playing the harmonica.

I hate celery. 🤮🥴

My parenting style is just spouting absurd ultimatums:

“Get your shoes on, or we won’t leave this house again for anything, ever.”

“Stop whining and walk, or I’ll donate your legs to someone who will appreciate them.”

“Turn off the TV, or I’m cancelling Netflix.”

Its awkward touching hands with another man in a popcorn bag, especially if you dont know the man & he doesnt know youre eating his popcorn

Wanna know what it’s like being married? Chain yourself to a wild animal. Now kick the animal.

Started watching LOST again w niece & neph, completely
forgetting I’m flying to Spain for a wedding.
PILLS ARE PACKED

I love that sexy thing you do, what’s it called again? Oh yeah, me.

“Remember where we parked.”

-Me, to my dog.

You are not your own worst enemy.

You have many more enemies.

Judge: How do you plead?

Me, trying to get on LegalZoom .com: sorry what’s the wifi password here?

Things that made my toddler cry this week:
– he couldn’t wear waffles to daycare
– I beat him in a race
– he beat me in a race
– pancakes had uneven distribution of chocolate chips
– he wanted his boogers back

How about your kid?

A hearty round of applause for Starbucks, please.

Will not visit my brother because he has an air mattress and I refuse to sleep without my Chinese throwing stars