Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I dressed as a chimp for 4 years to win a woman’s heart. Eventually I realized that disguising myself was a breech of trust and revealing myself would be a betrayal. I stayed a chimp 3 more years, contributing to important data she was collecting. I realize now I sullied that too

This lady in Walgreens is staring at me like she’s never seen anyone put on deodorant and then put it back on the shelf.

[first date]

him: I’m a cat person.

me: [trying to impress]
*bites him when he tries holding my hand

I’m not usually vengeful, but when I am it’s because someone gave my kid a whistle.

[arrives at the gates of hell]
Satan – “WELCOME MORTAL. DOWN HERE… WE DON’T HAVE LASAGNA”
Me – “um…ok?”
[Satan checks list]
“Is your name Garfield?”
“No”
“Huh. List says Garfield”

Okay, you got me, I’m not really a gynecologist. What gave it away? Was it the tongue thing?

I tried to find the quickest checkout by jumping grocery lanes and now I think I’m stuck in the line to pay respects to Queen Elizabeth.

My husband kissed me while I was sleeping before he left for work and I’m not saying I’m not sleeping beauty, but I may have woke up in a panic and elbowed him in the forehead

I’m not saying I’m a hero, but I did just give a bottle of wine mouth to mouth.

It didn’t make it.

Coworker: can I talk to you about your Twitter

Me, hand on the fire alarm:

Coworker: I think you’re funny

Me, removing hand from fire alarm: yes

In the car and passed by a cop and my 12 year old says “everyone be cool! Act normal!”

Expecting that Father of the Year award any day now

4yo: *Tells 20 minute story*

Me: *Fully listens to the whole thing*

4yo: *Starts telling it again*

Me: *Dies*

I think Jesus would have killed it at water skiing

I usually bring an air horn to a funeral to make sure the person is really dead.

[first day on a new job]

Me: I’ll admit. I’m a workaholic. I tend to bring my work home with me.

Zoo keeper: Put down the penguin.

I have many questions and they all start with what the heck.

Always get worried when I see a “thieves operate here” sign. Who is letting thieves do surgery?

ME: what’s for dinner

KIDNAPPER: omg we let you go four hours ago

If I was a witch, I’d curse you to have neighbors who hand out vegetables for Halloween.

Black rotten roses & run over kittens
Teeth falling out & a test is unwritten
Naked in public becoming a meme
Theseareafewofmyterribledreams

My 7yo has three aunts. He calls them Auntie Ice Cream, Auntie Lego, and Auntie Pam. Time to step up your auntie game, Pam.

*invents time machine*

*has an opportunity to right a wrong*

*makes it wronger*

its actually not that difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. one will see you later and one will see you in a while

Me: got the Infinity Gauntlet from Thanos

Iron Man: snap and bring everyone back

Me: [turning things into puppies] hold on

Me too door. Me too.

People don’t exchange taxidermy gifts as much anymore

I’m 46 years old, my dad told me that candy floss evaporates after a day and I’ve told my kids this. My dad ate my candy floss didn’t he?

[at the doctors]
me: *opens wide and goes ahh*
proctologist: how the hell r u doing that?

I’m thinking of a color between 1 and 10. Correct guessers get a lollipop.